Tiny Light Show

So, what we’ve got here is a 5-pack of BlissLights Starport USB Laser Star Projectors. Basically, they’re the iPod Shuffle of the BlissLights family. You just plug them into a USB and let them rip. There’s no adjusting, no programming, nothing. They just project the cool pattern they project and that’s it.

So, like this:

Now, according to BlissLights, this is all for some good old-fashioned wholesome fun:

Don’t be fooled by StarPort’s size—it can light up a whole room with vibrant stars. Transform your room, set the vibe for a night of tabletop gaming, or take it on that family trip you’ve been planning and let the stars shine wherever you go.

But let’s be honest here; their entire suite of products would be pretty rad if you were high as hell, and these little guys are no exception. So, we’re going to go through a few Amazon reviews and rate them, not based on how thoughtful or articulate they are, but based solely on how stoned we think the user who wrote them was.

Stoned rating: 0/10

Now, obviously, some of this depends on the daughter in question. Like, is she twelve? Or is she twenty-seven and living with a few friends in Portland? We’re going to assume the former, and anyway, the actual reviewer seems pretty sober.

Stoned rating: 2/10

This is based solely on what we think is a typo in the review title. It’s supposed to be “and,” right? At any rate, not super stoned-sounding. Maybe just an occasional low THC or CBD-based sleep aide level of stoned.

Stoned rating: 7/10

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere! I mean, come on: “people will ride along u looking at your stars.” (And, sidetone: this isn’t the only review mentioning how it can be used in a car. Which just makes me think how far we’ve come. Like, when I was a kid, I would be accused of attempted murder by my parents for turning on the overhead dome light to find something I dropped on the floor. Now we can drive around with laser projectors? Wow!)

Stoned rating: 10/10

Look, we’re just thankful this person is in their parked car in the backseat, not behind the wheel driving eight miles per hour in the left lane of I-90 at 2am, just thinking about stuff, you know?

Has this helped you make an informed purchase? No, of course not.

But what can we say? These things are cool. Buy them!