3-Pack: Mini TacLight Flashlights with Tactical Pen

  • 2 badass flashlights
  • 1 badass pen
  • Pen can light stuff up, shatter glass, cut stuff, and jot down badass groceries
  • Flashlights cast badass light
  • Model: T300, P80, which are badass model numbers
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Get The Job

Mr. Corpulson,

We are writing to congratulate you on advancing to the final round of our application process. The last step is to sign the contract.

Upon reading this, you might be thinking: wonderful, that means I got the job, right?


Because the contract signing is perhaps the most arduous round of the application process yet. Here is a brief rundown of the task with which you are faced:

  • The contract will be in an abandoned warehouse somewhere between 15th Street and 127th Street. You must locate it using your problem-solving skills.

  • Once you gain entry to the warehouse, you will find that all windows have been blacked out. You will be in total darkness. And there are many wires that, if tripped, will terminate your candidacy. Not to mention deep holes in the floor. (Falling into one will not terminate your candidacy but will severely hurt your chances. And likely your ankles too.)

  • The actual contract will be in a sealed bottle, which itself will be in a glass case, which itself will be in a wooden box, which itself will be in a burlap sack. You are to cut open the sack, deconstruct the box, shatter the glass, open the bottle, sign the contract, and reinsert it into the bottle.

What’s more: the signing must be completed in the next five hours, and you are to bring only two tools with you, one of which, obviously, must be a pen of some sort.

Not a minute after the five hours is up, we will check the bottle for your signature. If we find you have completed the challenge, then–and ONLY then–will you be awarded the position of Adjunct Assistant Professor of First Year Composition.

Good luck.

Gail Bailson
Hiring Committee Chair
Jordison University English Department

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