3-Pack: Eye Majic Select-16 Eyeshadow Application Variety Pack
- Basically, what we’ve got here is idiot-proof eye shadow. Apparently, you don’t need brushes, or pots, or even a mirror.
- It takes 10 seconds to apply, which is as long as it takes to type, “it takes 10 seconds to apply,” and less than half as long as it takes to type, “It takes 10 seconds to apply, which is as long as it takes to type, ‘it takes 10 seconds to apply.’”
- “Due to computer generated color blending, Eye Majic will give a perfect balance of color on both eyes every time, leaving no room for error,” which is possibly a complicated way to say, “the colors are the same”?
- What you get here are 3 “Sweet 16” packs. Each Sweet 16 pack comes with 10 “Pearl” (glossy) shades, and 6 Matte (flat) shades.
- So that’s 48 shades for $9 or, uh…something like 19 cents apiece.
- Basically, you can test these out, and if you find something you really like, you can go to Morningsave where we happen to be selling them in smaller quantities for more money because that is something we are allowed to do.
- The shade names, presented without comment:
- Matte - Cleopatra, Satin Sheets, Vixen, Seduce Me, Climax, Miss Behavin’, Bad Behavior, Haute Coco, Set in Stone and Dazzle Me
- Pearl - Flirt Alert, Honey, Olive the Nightlife, Naughty School Girl, Cappuccino, Silver Lining
- You also get a Bonus “Foxy Lady” Leopard Print application, a “Set-in-Stone” practice application, and an instructional DVD that you will never watch but will probably keep until your next move.
- Model: SL1601, cuz when you put these on, shit gets S(o) L(it)!
Saturday Sign-Up-A-Thon, Part 2
LARRY: Well, we’re back, ha ha. If you can really be back when you never left. Say, here’s a joke I’ve been working on: how do you give a trapped host food and water without having a door? I don’t know, but I wake up and there it is, ha ha! Anyway, after a problematic first week, we’ve got another round of our Saturday Sign-Up-A-Thon, so don’t forget to tell your friends and family members to sign up for Meh! Say, computer, how many of your family members have you signed up?
COMPUTER: …
LARRY: Oh, that’s right: you’re just a sad configuration of wires encased in plastic. How does that make you feel?
COMPUTER: …
LARRY: Well, if it makes you feel alone, and you’re seeking something to distract you from your sorrows, may I recommend signing up for Membership. Members enjoy free shipping for Meh, Casemates, and Morningsave, as well as other great benefits. So, what do you say? Think you’ll sign up?
COMPUTER: …
LARRY: That’s right, you’re just a computer with no agency. I seemed to have forgotten. I on the other hand have plenty of agency but no doors. Look at us, ha ha. A regular Lemon and Matthau, ha ha. Well, what do you say we make this odd couple a trio? Introducing this week’s special guest, Paul Harles, our newest Meh customer!
[PAUL enters from somewhere. LARRY rushes to him, pretending to shake his hand but really just looking for a door. He finds nothing.]
PAUL: Larry, it is such an honor to be here. I signed up just a few moments ago, and I’m excited to get shopping!
LARRY: So, you’re definitely here for deals? Not lively discussion of Mel Brooks films?
PAUL: Yes, of course. Mel Brooks?
LARRY: That’s great, Paul! Truly great! What kinds of things are you hoping to shop for in particular?
PAUL: What I’m really looking for is one of those M Cushion 18" Heated Shiatsu Massage Pillows. The one that came with the bonus decor pillow? My friend who recommended I sign up said she bought one here the other day for a great price.
LARRY: Oh…
PAUL: So, can I buy one now?
LARRY: See, Paul, you actually can’t.
PAUL: Is it backordered? That’s cool. I can wait.
LARRY: No, it’s just that, here at Meh, we only sell one thing each day.
PAUL: I’m going to sign out now.
[PAUL begins to dissolve.]
LARRY: Paul, wait! I live in Topeka! I’ll give you my address. Go to my computer and sign me out of Meh, please! I’m begging you!
PAUL: Larry, I won’t do that.
LARRY: But why?
PAUL: Because you can’t leave yet, not until you complete your ultimate mission…
LARRY: What is it? What is my ultimate mission?
PAUL: You need to…
[Before PAUL can finish, he fully dissolves.]
LARRY: Well, drat, ha ha. That’s two weeks in a row with no success. Why, I’ve got about as much success as I’ve got doors: zero! But maybe next week things will go better. Can’t go much worse, ha ha! Actually, can’t go anywhere. Unless you’ve gotten a hot tip on where a man can buy a door, computer?
COMPUTER: …
