Spray Away

A two-pack of “pocket” hoses, you say?

Like, we know it’s the brand name, but what gives?

Is this a thing where ‘pocket’ has just come to mean ‘smaller than alternatives’? Or perhaps it’s a commentary on how big pants are getting these days. Like, seriously, we’re bringing Jncos back? As someone who only does cardio and therefore has a pair of toned legs on an otherwise schlubby body, I don’t appreciate this trend.

Anyway, where were we?

Oh, right! Getting hung up on the brand name of these garden hoses. But you know who didn’t get hung up? The 7,454 people who gave these things an average rating of 4.3 out of 5 on Amazon!

But look, we understand the adulation. They’re pretty rad hoses.

First of all, they expand when you run the water and then contract when you shut it off. In other words, they’re full-sized hoses when you need them to be full-sized hoses (i.e., when you’re spraying them) and not when you don’t. Beyond that, they’re lightweight (which people in the reviews confirm), kink-resistant (which people in the reviews confirm), and easy to coil (which people in the reviews are divided on).

On this coiling point, though: it’s not like normal hoses coil up super easily. You can find something to wrap these around, and, if not, they might end up a couple big snake-like messes, but at least they’re soft snake-like messes, right?

Look, we’re sure you noticed that the calendar turned over this past weekend. We are now a month away from April showers and two months away from the May flowers. The old dudes who live on your block and for whom lawn mowing is not a chore, not even a hobby, but an entire personality? They will soon provide the ambient soundtrack to every minute you spend outside.

Gardening season is almost here is what we’re getting at.

Then again, gardening isn’t the only thing that you can use a good hose for, as Amazon user ‘Fishing Fool’ highlights:

Wonderful product and use one at the boat dock

I really want to click into their profile and see if all reviews are like this. “This mouse pad made it easier to scroll around while browsing lures.” “This protein powder helped me bulk up so I can haul big ol’ tunas into my boat.” But I feel like I’ll be disappointed if it’s mostly normal stuff.

Wow, lot of tangents today. Buy some hoses, people.