They're Crafty

“He wouldn’t even hurt a fly.”

It’s a classic saying, found often in films and literature, spoken about a character suspected of some more major misdeed or act of violence. The implication is that said character couldn’t possibly have enacted such a thing, given their penchant for cruelty doesn’t even extend to insects.

My take: this is nuts. Any person who is harassed by a fly and does not swat at it is either, a) bottling up their negative emotions so tightly that they will inevitably snap, or b) is afraid of accruing even a modicum of additional bad karma after doing something truly heinous.

And, anyway, this is all ridiculous. The question isn’t “Would you?” It’s “can you?” Because hurting flies is not as easy as it should be.

Now, it is easy to make contact with flies. You can usually flail your hand in the air and give it a bonk no problem. Hell, it isn’t even that hard to smack a fly up against a window. But those little assholes are surprisingly resilient. They just bounce off your palm or the glass and go on ruining your day. Which is what makes dealing with them so annoying.

That’s why you need one of these things.

Did you ever play Goldeneye with a friend, and decide to set it to “License to Kill” so that one hit was all it took to drop somebody, and then turn the weapons to the option where the only thing you could do was karate chop, thus turning the entire game into a deadly slap fight?

That’s what this is for bugs. Only, the bugs don’t get to slap back.

More specifically: it’s a little electrified tennis-racket-looking thing. That means you can swing it at a fly (or any kind of bug), and as soon as you make contact: ZAP! Then, when you’re not using it, you can set it up in its charging base in a centralized location so that it can continue to mow down anything stupid enough to try landing on it or flying through it.

That last part is especially important to know for any of those aforementioned folks who “wouldn’t even hurt a fly,” because buddy, it’s not your fault anymore! It’s entirely out of your hands!

So get one, and ratchet up your fight against pests.