Sick Lack of Burn

‘Sunburn’ is one of those words you hear so often that you rarely step back to marvel at its violent simplicity.

It’s not called a ‘heat contusion’ or a ‘UV rash’ or anything like that. Nope. Sunburn. As in, you were out in the sun, and that big old asshole up there in the sky gave you a nasty burning.

And you know what? That’s good. Because the simpler it is, the more embarrassing it is.

Like, you shouldn’t ashamed if you suffer from astigmatism. And if you’re dealing with some tendinitis in your knee, that’s nothing to feel bad about, even if it’s the result of overexerting yourself. Shit, maybe you went for a walk, didn’t look where you were going, tripped, and scraped your shin in the process. Feel free to call that an ‘abrasion’ if it makes you feel more like a serious thrill-seeker than a klutz. We don’t care.

But if you’re an adult human person, and you’re like, ‘Imma go spend some time outside in the middle of a summer day wearing shorts and a short-sleeved shirt that I might, if the weather tempts me, take off entirely,’ and you end up with a sunburn, well, guess what buddy: you earned it and therefore you have to own it. No seriously medical-sounding misnomers for you to hide behind.

If anything, we’d say the word ‘sunburn’ should sound more embarrassing, although that might be overkill, considering how embarrassing having a bad sunburn looks.

Sorry if this feels like we’re laying the shame on a little bit thick. But, in our opinion, laying on a little bit of thick shame is necessary here, because avoiding said shame involves doing nothing more than laying on some thick lotion. (By which we mean: lotion of a viscosity comparable to most other lotions, which is thicker than a lot of things.)

Like this stuff. It’s available in SPF 30, 50, or 70. It’s water-resistant. It’s made with simple stuff, like aloe vera and coconut oil. And you get two tubes for just 5 bucks.

What we’re saying is: you have no excuse for getting a sunburn. So buy this, and lather on a little protection this summer.