To Two Or Not To Two, Part Two

Remember the last time we offered a 2-for-Tuesday deal that was a pre-packaged two-pack of something (wine glasses, in that case)? We explored the fundamental question of what 2-for-Tuesday really means. We wondered if, perhaps, since the price of one pre-packaged two-pack offers a lower barrier of entry, and you are still free to buy a quantity of two two-packs, which would add up to the same price we would charge if we sold the two two-packs together, you would agree that a pre-packaged two-pack keeps the promise of the “2” in “2-for-Tuesday”.

You told us we were wrong. And frankly, you could have been a little nicer about it. We have feelings, you know. We’re human beings, not retail pleasure machines.

But talk is cheap. And Internet talk is 40-60% cheaper. So today, we’ve altered our usual parameters to test your dedication to the proposition that all twos are not created equal. We want to see how you’ll behave when you’re playing with your money and not just your mouth. For these Contigo Shake & Go 18-oz. Tumbler 2-Packs, we’ve raised the quantity you can buy to six instead of our usual three.

So let’s say you really want a couple or more single-wall tumblers with AUTOCLOSE technology perfect for mixing powdered drinks, iced tea, iced coffee, etc. right in the glass. Who doesn’t? That’s the easy, non-controversial part. Of course you’re going to buy some number of these. But that number will determine your vote on this question of vital importance to nobody.

If you think 2-for-Tuesday means two packages, no matter what the quantity of things inside, buy 2, 4, or 6. Build your own two-packs of two-packs. The prices, and what you’ll get in return, are what they would be if you bought 1, 2, or 3 of the 2-for-Tuesday deals that meet your narrow conception. Speak two to power!

If you think one pre-packaged two-pack is a legitimate 2-for-Tuesday deal, buy 1 or 3. That’s what you would have to choose from in the kind of 2-for-Tuesday deal you support. This should be 1, 2, or 3, but we’re counting quantity 2 as a vote for the other side.

If you want to protest this sham election, buy 5. How dare we require a purchase to vote? Where do we get off selling the right to express your mind? Buy 5 and you’ll end up with 10 Shake & Go tumblers, which is a number that doesn’t fit anywhere in our uptight 1x2/2x2/3x2 paradigm.

The Meh Bureau of Elections and Powdered Water Enhancement will tabulate the results and issue a non-binding consultatory powerless suggestion to management. Just remember: if you hate the idea of two-packs that are half what you think they should be, send a message and buy twice as many. That’ll show us.