So Many Functions

With some products, we need to explain exactly how we ended up with them and why we’re able to offer them for so cheap. An impending best-by date, a weird color nobody liked, rebranded packaging requiring the old stock to be offloaded fast, etc.

This thing, on the other hand, requires no such elucidation. All you need to do is look at it and you’ll see exactly why we’re the ones selling it.

Seriously, a toaster oven with a built-in coffee machine and a griddle on top for cooking eggs and sausage and the like? That’s so silly right?! Who would use such a thing?

It’s absurd!

You need WAY more functions than that! The ideal breakfast maker wouldn’t be a 3-in-1. It’d be a 14-in-1, including the following features:

1. Coffee maker
2. Toaster
3. Griddle
4. Pork processor and sausage link maker (hidden, so you can’t see how the sausage is made)
5. Egg cracker
6. Egg poacher (as in: the cooking method)
7. Pair of robot hands to craft egg shell into origami-like shapes (not entirely sure how this would work; up to the engineering department)
8. Barista-bot for latte art
9. Showerhead
10. Cereal and milk pourer
11. Toast de-cruster for toddlers
12. Tomato juicer and vodka-shot dispenser for weekend brunch
13. Egg poacher (as in: an egg stealer, so you don’t have to buy eggs)
14. Old-school dad-bot that silently reads the newspaper and shakes its head disapprovingly

Wouldn’t that be much better?

But, given that a 14-in-1 breakfast maker doesn’t exist, we guess this 3-in-1 model will work fine enough.

Sigh