90-Pack: Cerebelly Organic Smart Bars

Packed with brain-boosting nutrients, no added sugar
Organic fruits, sweet potatoes, oats, sunflower seed butter, and even some amaranth
You get 90 of the freakin’ things.
Geared towards toddlers, but perfectly fine and healthy for adults too
Best by 11/24/2024-01/04/2025. Samples have been tested and approved.
Can it make a margarita? Good grief, it’s a toddler snack.

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‘Lawyer’s Note: I’m the Worst’

This product should only be fed to seated, supervised children. It says so right on the box.

This is great because it means that these snack bars are completely appropriate—nay, ideal—for your child to eat while seated at a casino table. After all, and we can’t overstate this, these make your kid appreciably smarter and thus better at a variety of table games including most popular forms of poker (excluding Omaha variants, they’re toddlers for goodness sake!), not to mention mid-to-low limit blackjack and some of your more degenerate forms of baccarat. (Lawyer’s Note: don’t say that these make kids appreciably smarter.)

Besides, we all know that Google rolled out YouTube Kids specifically to make kids dumber in the hopes of creating a generation who actually falls for their sponsored search result links. (Lawyer’s Note: let’s not reference the ill intent of a company that hires lawyers by the phalanx, okay?) And if Google (Lawyer’s Note: staaaaahhhp) and the other tech companies are going to make kids dumber, we need to be doing something to make kids smarter. What do you think of that, Mark Zuckerberg, you pasty-faced lizard monster data harvesting jiujitsu fraud with hair transplants and an eleventh toe? (Lawyer’s Note: why??).

So watch out, Big Tech. Because these bars have 16 brain-supporting, veggie-based nutrients. (*Lawyer’s Note: You got that right from the package. Why do you listen to their lawyers but not your lawyers?)

It’s probably because their lawyers aren’t a bunch of stuffy-shirted nerds who suck the fun out of everything and definitely cheated at the company picnic sack race. (Editor’s Note: Do we have to have another talk about arguing in the ad copy?) (Lawyer’s Note: yes please) (Copywriter’s Note: “yES pLEAssSee”)

By the way, if you think we should be embarrassed by this public exchange, we just want to point out that we made these available 90 at a time and if ya’ll would just buy them already we wouldn’t still be having this conversation.

90-Pack: Cerebelly Organic Smart Bars

‘Lawyer’s Note: I’m the Worst’

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