Ready for Anything?

The warehouse lighting flickered overhead as the copywriter banged away typing, occasionally brushing fine loose sediment from the keyboard. With every rumble of the ground, the mist of dust and debris was falling gently from above almost peacefully, like snow.

We have a decent track record around here for not using fear and anxiety to move product, even when that day’s product happens to dovetail perfectly with grim and frightening realities taking place out there in the world.

In the distance behind the copywriter, a backend web developer stands by a pallet of semi-expired ramen noodles, her ponytail swaying almost deliberately like the tail of a cat getting ready to pounce. She’s staring down a procurement manager as he points at the stacks of noodles, gesturing expressively with his hands.

Even when the world was in the thick of covid and we’d manage to get our hands on a bunch of face masks, we didn’t lean too hard into the big bad pandemic or point out how your local DoorDasher was essentially a self-contained superspreader event banging on your front door.

The drone of helicopters outside could mean anything. The first one caught everyone’s attention, but as the buzzing became louder, closer, and more frequent, the sound had melted into nothing in particular, like the white noise setting on a nebula light projector that you should really plan on grabbing next time one comes around.

So even though what we have today is generally billed pretty unapologetically as a serious survival product, we’re not here to talk about how serious floods are becoming more severe, or that major cities are bristling with political tension, or how we’re pretty sure that 95 percent of all critical internet infrastructure is run through a single Amazon data center somewhere and that the only reason we ever even notice that it breaks sometimes is that Netflix stops working.

The scuffle was short and decisive. The procurement manager retreats quickly to an unattended pile of mismatched KIND bars while web developer lady awkwardly lifts the ramen onto her back like an ant carrying a bee carcass many times its own size, ponytail unperturbed.

But just objectively speaking, what this does is filter water on the go, letting you safely hydrate even if potable water isn’t immediately available for…unspecified but hopefully non-terrifying reasons.

The momentary lapse in power between the regional grid failure and the automatic switch to on-site backup generators seemed like little more than a hiccup, a few seconds of relief from the fluorescent hum of the lights followed by the startling pop of the power kicking back on.

Oh so help me if this makes me have to rewrite any of this.

Quick enough that nobody has to rewrite any of this…

Whew.

…but long enough to allow for the breach of the containment unit in the basement.

The what now?

Don’t worry about it. Office staff and warehouse workers crisscross back and forth with increasing urgency under the unsettling red glow of backup power. One carries an impressive array of camping supplies and emergency tools. Another with several Eveready ReadyFlex Floating Lanterns (batteries included). Two more tensely negotiate the division of a large pile of PWRCard 2500mAh Slim Power Banks with Integrated Charging Cables. Somewhere far away, a siren screams.

Um. Cool. Well even on a pretty ordinary day, it’s not that crazy to be someplace where you just want to be able to filter the water. Like…maybe you’re catching a flight and want to fill up in the public bathroom sink instead of paying $6 for airport water or you’re stuck at the kid’s school for a while and don’t want to think about the various germs and minor plagues that are surely clinging to the only working water fountain you’ve found.

A purple streak skitters across the cement floor followed by the heavy clunk of the door to the containm—

WHY DO WE KEEP TALKING ABOUT A CONTAINMENT UNIT??

—as tiny claws scuff the ground making a sound like the plexiglass face shield of a HAZMAT suit being dragged down the sidewalk of a temporary military outpost crudely established at a nearby elementary school.

That can’t be the best way to describe what you’re talking about.

The containment is breached. Irk is unfettered. And whatever catastrophe was unfolding outside will now surely pale in comparison to the horrors about to play out within.

“Got ‘em!”

Her ponytail bobbed pleasantly with each syllable.

What??

“Got him. Grabbed him by the scruff of his little neck and stuffed him into one of those reusable yellow tote bags you guys are always leaving everywhere. I’m going to give him some belly rubs and put him back in the thing.”

This feels anticlimactic.

“Oh and the power’s back on. Turns out there was just a minor blackout because too many middle schoolers were using ChatGPT to do their homework at the same time.”

Sigh. Fine.

“I’m keeping all the ramen I managed to fit into my Corolla, though!”

Yeah that’s fair.

Um. Anyway. Just remember that if you want an essentially endless supply of clean, drinkable water wherever you go…it’s a two-pack! Choose your size. There’s a 22 oz and a 1L. Your call.