@werehatrack
While this is funny, a bunch of bad puns with veiled sexual references is again not something I would share with my small children.
Or to quote Irk, “maybe it bothers me more than it should”.
@cinoclav Stealing jokes is the sincerest form of flattery (or at least the way most comedians pad their sets )… i just looked up one of their videos for the first time & immediately recognized my favorite Ellen DeGeneres joke, the one about her grandmother starting to walk five miles a day.
@cinoclav@lisagd cinoclav: Yeah, i think it’s one of those Internet things, everyone needs endless content to fill their social media, as if everyone is constantly checking for updates. Oy.
lisa: I don’t think I’m familiar with the dog one, it’s this one (just as ancient, I’m sure! Lol):
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
@lisagd It hasn’t really been a problem for a while. If you put them in a high-heat dryer, it will accelerate the issue for sure. Personally, I wash mine inside out and line-dry them. I’ve had regular worn shirts for years that still look fine.
@ACraigL@lisagd My experience with the recent Woot shirts has been pretty good, but my dryer is modded so that the Cremate setting is not reachable. This may have a bearing on the results.
True story: Back in the olden days, before they were called “dad jokes” and I was a wee lad, we had a Westinghouse refrigerator/freezer. One morning my father told me the following:
Someone once opened the fridge and saw Bugs Bunny inside. He asked him, “Why are you in the refrigerator?”
Bugs replied, “Is this a Westinghouse?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’m westing!”
10th grade math teacher told these. Said they are her only jokes:
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You neek up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way.
Granted, she also said that you have to feel sorry for a trapezoid.
@earlyre These days if a parent learned of that joke the bio teacher would have been in a big heap of trouble, never mind how teenaged boys like those kinds of jokes.
@chienfou no kids… and at 44, with a similarly childless 37 yr old GF… I don’t see any in my future…
( unless, God forbid, something happens to her sister and brother in law…)
I don’t know how I was directed to this but I did enjoy it. I might be down to play this game. I was going to warn there are messed up jokes but from above you get that. It’s a series so there are more if it makes you laugh
/youtube yeah mad dad jokes
Two atoms are walking down the road. One stops and says, “I just lost an electron.”
“Really?” asks the other.
“Yes, I’m positive”
But you can’t trust atoms - they make up everything.
One day René Descartes absently minded walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender said, “I think you can use a beer.”
René replied, “I think not!” and he disappeared.
When the Yoga session ended, everyone packed up and decided to go to a juice bar. Someone asked the instructor, “Are you coming along?” to which she replied, “Namaste”
The Buddhist walked up to the hotdog cart and said, “Make me one with everything”
Again not exactly a joke but full of dad puns which are a critical element of dad jokes… I stole it from someone who posted it in a forum and they apparently got it from facebook although who knows where the original was posted.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Did you hear about the guy that tells everyone what the colors on the graph mean?
That guy’s a legend!
@tweezak
That’s one’s really good
What’s a calendar’s favorite food?
Dates.
@tweezak
That one’s good too!
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open-toad.
@tweezak
Very good dad joke.
I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting between two identical twins.
I couldn’t differentiate between them.
Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?
Because he kept getting lost at C.
@tweezak
Definitely made me laugh.
@werehatrack
While this is funny, a bunch of bad puns with veiled sexual references is again not something I would share with my small children.
Or to quote Irk, “maybe it bothers me more than it should”.
Just credit Dock Tok and the Lisle boys if you’re going to steal their material.
@cinoclav Stealing jokes is the sincerest form of flattery (or at least the way most comedians pad their sets
)… i just looked up one of their videos for the first time & immediately recognized my favorite Ellen DeGeneres joke, the one about her grandmother starting to walk five miles a day.
@ircon96 It’s become rampant recently. I’ve been seeing the same jokes posted so many places.
@cinoclav @ircon96 Is that the one where she named her dog Five Miles? That one’s ancient.
@cinoclav @lisagd cinoclav: Yeah, i think it’s one of those Internet things, everyone needs endless content to fill their social media, as if everyone is constantly checking for updates.
Oy.
lisa: I don’t think I’m familiar with the dog one, it’s this one (just as ancient, I’m sure! Lol):
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
@cinoclav @ircon96 The joke goes I’m going to get a dog and name it Five Miles. That way, I can tell people I walk Five Miles every day. Bah-dah pshh.
Too bad you didn’t put one of those Trackr devices on your grandmother; you’d have found her by now.
One of the many jokes my dad made up (he’d wake up each morning with at least 5 of them, occasionally one or two of them good.
This is a multiple choice test.
What do you call a nun who died and ent to heaven?
e) None of the above.
supposed to be went not ent
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Also this:
https://shirt.woot.com/offers/dad-jokes-brewing-company
@ACraigL I just bought one for my brother. Thanks for the heads up about the sale.
@lisagd Awesome! Mine arrived a few days ago and it printed great. I hope he enjoys it!
POKER! JOKER! NOT MEDIOCRE! AWESOME!
@ACraigL Have they worked out the problem with the designs flaking off?
@lisagd It hasn’t really been a problem for a while. If you put them in a high-heat dryer, it will accelerate the issue for sure. Personally, I wash mine inside out and line-dry them. I’ve had regular worn shirts for years that still look fine.
@ACraigL @lisagd My experience with the recent Woot shirts has been pretty good, but my dryer is modded so that the Cremate setting is not reachable. This may have a bearing on the results.
why didn’t the chicken wear underpants?
His pecker is on his face
True story: Back in the olden days, before they were called “dad jokes” and I was a wee lad, we had a Westinghouse refrigerator/freezer. One morning my father told me the following:
Someone once opened the fridge and saw Bugs Bunny inside. He asked him, “Why are you in the refrigerator?”
Bugs replied, “Is this a Westinghouse?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’m westing!”
This is also the oldest joke that I remember.
10th grade math teacher told these. Said they are her only jokes:
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You neek up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way.
Granted, she also said that you have to feel sorry for a trapezoid.
My HS Biology teacher told us this in class…
how do you make a hormone?
Don’t pay her…
@earlyre These days if a parent learned of that joke the bio teacher would have been in a big heap of trouble, never mind how teenaged boys like those kinds of jokes.
@earlyre @Kidsandliz
Yeah, no kidding!
@earlyre Answer I heard to this joke: Hit her in the head with a brick.
What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can’t hear a vitamin.
What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I’ve never heard of anyone asking a garbanzo to bean on them.
@earlyre
Typically dad jokes are ones that they spring on their children. You’re a sick f*** if you spring this one on your kids…
@chienfou @earlyre It isn’t the funniest joke I’ve heard, but at what age do dads stop telling jokes and you are no longer your parents’ kid?
KuoH
@chienfou @earlyre @kuoh I’m gonna say never.
@chienfou no kids… and at 44, with a similarly childless 37 yr old GF… I don’t see any in my future…
( unless, God forbid, something happens to her sister and brother in law…)
@earlyre
Sorry… my kids are 40 and 43. And this is still not a joke I would share with either of them…
@chienfou @earlyre I don’t plan to ever share this joke with my kids, but I do expect them to encounter it from other sources.
@earlyre @Limewater
Exactly my point. I would NEVER call this a Dad joke… which ostensibly was the purpose of the OP.
@chienfou @earlyre @Limewater
Maybe someone needs to start another thread - BAD jokes.
My granddaughter got married a few months ago so I rented a limousine. I didn’t realize it didn’t come with a driver.
I was so mad! All that money wasted on a car and nothing to chauffeur it.
I’m sure this one is all over the socials, but one of my more recent faves.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Then the librarian made me take it out.
@ACraigL My wife (who is a librarian) liked this one!
@macromeh It’s a perfect joke. The setup, the misdirection, the visual. Comedy gold.
@ACraigL Overdosed on viagra yesterday; it was the hardest night of my life.
@ACraigL @pakopako
My friend had a Viagra pill get stuck in his throat…
…and had a stiff neck for 4 hours, before he called his doctor.
A doctor in the burn unit ordered Viagra pills every 4 hours for each male patient in the unit.
When a new nurse asked if it helped their burns heal, she was told: “Kind of, but mostly it keeps the sheets off their burns…”
Similarly, the bedtime Viagra orders for all the male residents at the nursing home…
“Does it help them sleep?”
“Kind of, but mostly it keeps them from rolling out of bed…”
What did the dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.*
*Disclaimer: I am not a dad, nor do I play one on TV.
@lisagd
I can’t seem to figure out whether I’m a sadistic necrophiliac into bestiality, or if I’m just beating a dead horse…
Same disclaimer apples…
@lisagd It gets worse.
Do autoparanoid agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
@werehatrack
Without ceasing
If you think science class makes your brain go numb, math class with make it go number.
My girlfriend and I are splitting up after losing our glasses. We just couldn’t see each other any more.
Before the crowbar, crows had to drink at home.
What’s Brown and Sticky?
A Stick…
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
@pakopako Not a dad joke, but this meme cracks me up.
If you think the microwave is collecting your data and your TV is spying on you, wait until you hear the dirt your vacuum clearer has got.
Anyone who’s ever worked at Twitter is now an ex-employee or an X employee.
I dreamt I was a muffler last night…
This morning I woke up exhausted.
Why do SCUBA divers always fall backwards out of the boat?
If they fell forward, they’d fall into the boat.
Did you hear the new rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I prolly shouldn’t spread it…
Why did the chicken coop only have 2 doors?
If it had 4 doors, it’d be a chicken sedan…
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
Because he had trouble controlling his pupils…
I have a pathological fear of elevators.
But I’ve begun taking steps to avoid them.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool…
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
The frog says: “Ribbit, ribbit”, but the horny toad says: “Rub it, rub it”…
What is Irish and sits out in the yard?
Patio furniture…
Did you ever hear about the disappearing magician?
He was just driving down the street, when he turned into a driveway…
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: “No charge.”
Three guys walk into a bar,
You’d think one of them would’ve seen it and ducked…
A priest, a rabbi, and a mullah walked into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says: “What is this, some kind of joke?”
What do you call a guy with a nose and no body?
Nobody nose…
DADD: Dad’s Against Daughters Dating
Shoot the first one and word will spread…
@PhysAssist
/youtube Louis Prima - I Ain’t Got Nobody
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These came from
https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/other/the-clever-signs-at-this-vet-clinic-make-vet-visits-more-pleasant/ss-AA141F57?ocid=hpmsn&cvid=1763c5f97f44450c95e9f2495dfb1e0f&ei=61#image=1
[1]:
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[3]:
[4]:
[5]:
[6]:
[7]:
woops I meant to put the dog hair one on the thread with the two 2 shirts about % cotton and % dog or cat hair.
@Kidsandliz That’s OK, it’s still funny.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" “You follow the fresh prints.”
“What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?” “Supplies!”
@Star2236 What did the Asian janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Surprise!!!
@Star2236 @tweezak
I don’t know how I was directed to this but I did enjoy it. I might be down to play this game. I was going to warn there are messed up jokes but from above you get that. It’s a series so there are more if it makes you laugh
/youtube yeah mad dad jokes
“Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
Did you Coffee called the Police.
Well it as complaining that it was getting Mugged.
Two atoms are walking down the road. One stops and says, “I just lost an electron.”
“Really?” asks the other.
“Yes, I’m positive”
But you can’t trust atoms - they make up everything.
One day René Descartes absently minded walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender said, “I think you can use a beer.”
René replied, “I think not!” and he disappeared.
When the Yoga session ended, everyone packed up and decided to go to a juice bar. Someone asked the instructor, “Are you coming along?” to which she replied, “Namaste”
The Buddhist walked up to the hotdog cart and said, “Make me one with everything”
@mml666 Then after he paid, he asked for his change. The hotdog vendor said “Change comes from within.”
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
No matter how nice you think your own kids are, German children are kinder.
I don’t normally give ratings to days, but I’d say today is 9/10.
@capnjb
Nice… and an original too, I bet!
@chienfou Heh… this is what happens when I wake up at 2am and my brain says, ‘It’s go time!’
@capnjb @chienfou At 2am it is usually my bladder saying it is go time.
They’re only Dad jokes if they’re fully groan.
@werehatrack They aren’t real Dad jokes until they’ve become apparent.
@werehatrack
Hey you stole that from me up above
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Bc he never lands…
Ha ha lol
Not a joke but is a dad joke kind of pun
Again not exactly a joke but full of dad puns which are a critical element of dad jokes… I stole it from someone who posted it in a forum and they apparently got it from facebook although who knows where the original was posted.
hahahh bitchen
Just want to share a favorite from Warcraft:
“Are you in the market to buy a ship? I’ve got one that’s…on sail.”
I have a step ladder. My real ladder went to get milk and cigarettes when I was 3 and we never saw him again.
I did hear he had taken up another family, but I’ve never rung him up.
@djslack You didn’t know the extension to call him at?
@djslack @Kidsandliz
Genuinely lol’ed at this!
Why don’t eggs go sledding in winter? They might get scrambled!
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.