What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
I walked into a junkyard looking for some hard-to-find-parts. In the middle of the junkyard was an old Japanese SUV, surrounded entirely by a tall chain link fence that was carefully locked shut. It was an Isuzu.
I took my meh-purchased slow cooker to the zoo, grabbed some elephant dung, vacuum sealed it with my meh-purchased food saver, and then cooked it…it was a shit sous…
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited,
“Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a cow” said the cow.
“Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.
“Cool.”
The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
“Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.
“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.
“Right - o, great, see ya round.”
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said,
“Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”
I asked some comedian pals to come up with the worst zoo jokes. I’m telling you that so you don’t blame me when these things I’m about to post are terrible.
There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!”
The new truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we re going to see a movie.”
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
Caller: “Is this the zoo? I’ve been trying to call you for an hour!”
Zoo: “Sorry! All of our lions were busy.”
I played poker at a zoo once, but never again.
There were too many cheetahs.
Did you hear about the Zoo in China that was taken over by the animals?
It was Panda-monium!
https://meh.com/forum/topics/bad-jokes#586d297e1ff03604e85f88e8
What happened to the lion when he ate the comedian who was telling zoo jokes?
The lion felt funny
@CaptAmehrican It might have been the clown. He tasted funny.
A man walks into a zoo. There are no animals, but they do have a masseuse.
It’s a shiatsu!
My father has the heart of a lion…and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
@therealjrn Ha!
I went to a zoo and there were klu klux klanners everywhere. It was a sheet zoo.
You people are awful.
What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
@heartny “pairs nicely with taters and moonshine”
There are no zebras at the Prague Zoo because Czechs and stripes don’t mix.
/image shit zoo
Man walks into a zoo, but all they had was fresh water fish.
It was a crappie zoo!
I walked into a junkyard looking for some hard-to-find-parts. In the middle of the junkyard was an old Japanese SUV, surrounded entirely by a tall chain link fence that was carefully locked shut. It was an Isuzu.
I can’t help but hear Rodney Dangerfield’s voice when i read most of these…
I took my meh-purchased slow cooker to the zoo, grabbed some elephant dung, vacuum sealed it with my meh-purchased food saver, and then cooked it…it was a shit sous…
What do we call the elephant that’s half rhinocerus? Helifhino
It’s a Mastiff… now, that’s a shihtzu.
https://www.cnn.com/2013/08/16/world/asia/china-zoo-dog-lion/index.html
Man walks into a zoo, but all he sees are As-Seen-On-TV kitchen knives!
It’s a Ginsu!
A man walked into a zoo.
He discovered it’s a bad idea to text and walk at the same time.
@mike808 Pinkard and Bowden?
Drops Mike
[What did Mike do?]
@PhysAssist
My horribly grumpy early morning soul thanks you.
@f00l de Nada- I was on a bun, errr roll…
After I posted these, I went into our bedroom and tortured SWMBO with them- she groaned appreciatively.
@f00l @PhysAssist TIL: SWMBO love that!
This is a Zasu
Man walks into a zoo, but there is only 1 animated animal from the Lion King there.
It’s a Zazu!
/image zazu
I went to watch the Polar Bear feeding at our zoo…they fed them Ice Bergers…
The animals in our zoo study martial arts.
It’s a Jujit-zoo.
There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.
She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited,
“Hi! I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a cow” said the cow.
“Right, and what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make milk for the farmer” said the cow.
“Cool.”
The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
“Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.
“Oh, right, what do you do?” asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer.” said the chicken.
“Right - o, great, see ya round.”
Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said,
“Hi, I’m a zebra, what are you?”
“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.
“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”
“Take off your pajamas darling, and I’ll show you.”
@tightwad ok. that one was kinda cute.
A man walks into a zoo, but all he sees is a college tiger mascot.
It’s a Mizzou!
/image mizzou tiger
I asked some comedian pals to come up with the worst zoo jokes. I’m telling you that so you don’t blame me when these things I’m about to post are terrible.
@dave Much funnier than when y’all were making bitter, butt-hurt political “jokes” in the twitterverse.
@therealjrn those Twitter jokes are great. Trump sucks big-time.
@medz
@therealjrn
Why did the woman marry her boyfriend who worked at the zoo? Because he was a keeper.
The big cat said he was a tiger, but I knew he was lyin’
A Iion, a tiger, & a bear walk into a bar. The zookeeper is fired for negligence.
It’s a bad idea to tell insult jokes about snakes. They don’t have very thick skin.
@dave Never tease a liberal.
@therealjrn wrong thread for that comment.
@Kidsandliz It’s a joke. Deal with it, ok?
@therealjrn It’s not a zoo joke. It is political in line with your other political comments on threads.
@Kidsandliz whaaat? It doesn’t say zoo joke anywhere. Here, you can have the last word. Tell me what for, and how I don’t understand jokes.
Armadillos should be called Hardvarks.
@dave i aubidly groakled at that one.
(groan + chuckle = groakle)
@carl669 @dave but what about aubidly???
@dave @llangley I leave that to the reader’s interpretation
@carl669 @dave fuck that!
@carl669 @dave @llangley
Indubitably it was the autospell in the kitchen with the candle bra.
Or is it inscrutably?
@carl669 @dave @mike808 /define inscrutable
How is a sloth on a branch like a stand-up comic? He’ll be here all week, folks.
My boss said I could one day lead a team of zookeepers, cuz I have menageriel potential.
Why aren’t sea mammals called “Swammals?”
How do you make a lamb stew?
(I don’t have a punch line for this, can you provide one?)
@sligett Lamb says what?
@sligett make the little critter come up with a punch line for a riddle?
@sligett Are ewe worried about it?
@sligett Say that Mary sneaked away without him.
@sligett Tell her she is grounded and has to clean up her room.
A man walks into a zoo, but all he sees is a Japanese car.
It’s an Isuzu!
@medz https://meh.com/forum/topics/a-joke---deal-with-it-ok#5bbd7ce2dc45f632e0187f64
@therealjrn
/giphy delete
A man walks into a zoo, but all he sees is a Priest of the Great Old Ones.
It’s a Cthuzoo!
There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, “What’s going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!”
The new truck driver responds, “I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we re going to see a movie.”
@llangley @placidpenguin haven’t seen you around, hope all is ok!
@llangley @Dave woo hoo my first like from The Man