A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”
“Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian" around, so that’s why fire trucks are red!"
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a goat in the front seat. "What are you doing with that goat?"
He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the goat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that goat to the zoo!"
The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
a guy goes to the emergency room with a problem. he explains to the nurse, who blanches at the description of the injury and immediately puts him in a bed and tells him a dr. will be there soon. a few minutes later- the dr walks in, looks at the injury and asks what happened. the patient calmly replies “i was sodomized by an elephant.” the dr. says “that’s impossible- from the rectal tearing and extreme damage done to your sphincter, there’s no way an elephant did this. i did a stint at the zoo while i was in school working with elephants- the penis of an adult elephant, when engorged, is barely thicker than my thumb. whatever did this to you, it wasn’t an elephant penis. what happened here?”
the guy, again calmly, replies “well, he fingered me a little first…”
@f00l or the classic prank call:
Hi, this is Ann Hoff. My brother Jack is in the store, could you page him.
Sure … phone call for Jack Hoff… is there a Jack Hoff here… dial tone
or a call to the bar for Al Koholic.