The Joke Thread (necropost)

Fish swims into a wall and says, "dam!"

Heisenberg walks into a bar ...or maybe he doesn't.

What's a polar bears favorite sandwich?

A brrrrrger.

What do polar bears order from Taco Bell?

Brrrrrritoes.

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?
Decalfinated

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” and then he dies.

What does someone with a thick Spanish accent and very small hands use to cut pizza?
-Little Caesars.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
--he was hit by a bus

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
--she didn't have arms

A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.
"Long day?" the bartender asks.
"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.

There was this guy, not exactly smart, with a bit of a mean streak. He liked to throw things off of overpasses and smash car windshields.
One day, he got sick of having to carry a bunch of bricks and rocks to throw; so he had a bright idea. He tied a rope around a brick. This worked out great!
He would wait for a big rig (they were his favorite,) then he would toss the brick, shatter the windshield and bring it back up to wait for the next one.
This old school one came up, one of the types with the bar in the middle of the glass, he wrapped the rope around his hand, tossed the brick and waited for the impact. Well, it impacted. The brick went through the windshield, wrapped around the center bar, and the truck didn't stop fast enough. With the one end of the rope attached to the truck, and the other attached to the idiot with a mean streak, it ripped his arm right out of the socket, poor bastard.
After all of that, the damned courts charged the truck driver with assault... and arm robbery.

One day a man is driving a truckload of penguins to the zoo. About a mile away his truck breaks down. He gets out and pokes his head under the hood. While looking, a stranger walks up and asks him, "Hey buddy, is there anything I can help you with?"
"Um, yeah. Matter of fact you can. I'll give you $100 if you take these penguins to the zoo for me."
The stranger agrees, they unload the penguins and he walks off with the line of penguins waddling behind him.
A few hours go by and the truck driver is still under the hood of his truck when he looks up and sees to his surprise the stranger walking back down the road toward him with the penguins still following. He reaches the truck and the driver, bewildered, asks him, "Hey buddy, I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo?"
The man replies, "I did. We had such a great time, now we're going to the movies!"

How do you keep a blonde busy for 7 hours?

Give her m&ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order

Someone told me that I'm condescending.

That means that I talk down to people.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Marvin?"

A guy sits at the bar and bets the bartender $100 he can bite his eye. The bartender takes him up on the bet. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it.

Then the guy bets the bartender $500 he can bite his other eye. The bartender figures the guy is obviously not blind and can't have another glass eye so he takes him up on the bet. The guy takes out his false teeth and gingerly touches them to his good eye.

Now the guy bets the bartender $1500 that he can stand on the barstool and, when the bartender slides a pint glass down the bar, can piss into the pint glass without a single drop landing outside the glass. The bartender figures no one could possibly do that, let alone a guy with no depth perception. So the bartender takes him up on the bet. When he slides the pint glass down the bar the guy just pisses all over the bar. He doesn't look like he's even aiming for the pint glass. The bartender collects his $1500 and laughs while he mops up the piss. He notices the guy seems pretty happy and asks him why. The guy says, "You see those four guys at that table? I bet them $5000 each I could piss all over the bar and you'd laugh about it."

A penguin is out for a drive when his car starts running rough. He pulls into a repair shop and the mechanic tells him he will find the problem, check back in about half an hour.

The penguin heads across the street where he has seen an ice cream parlor. It's a hot day and he loves ice cream, so he gets the biggest vanilla cone. By the time he's done eating, he's kind of messy, but now it's time to go back to check on his car.

As he walks into the garage, the mechanic tells him, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream."

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist's office says, "What's the problem?"

And the moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin, man?" He goes, "I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and uh, all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there."

And the podiatrist says, "Oh yeah?"

And the moth goes, "Yes." And he goes, "Uh, at night I...I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the...in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch... I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I... that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only the cowardice was stronger then perhaps...perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all."

He says, "Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good.

And so the doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"

And then the moth said, "'Cause the light was on."

Why don’t you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really f**king good at it.

What's worse than a pile of dead babies?

The one trying to eat its way out at the bottom.

A mushroom goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "sorry- we don't serve food here."

The mushroom says, "Aw, come on. I'm a fun-gi".

How do you save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head!

I should have known that @jsh139 would have this covered. So here's a mediocre joke badly told. Because it seems topical. And a bad joke is better than a good day wasted bitching.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? The golfer goes WHACK, DAMN. They skydiver goes DAM, WHACK!

2 penguins sitting in a bathtub.

One says, "Please pass the soap."

The other replies, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"

why did the rooster cross the road?

chickens day off.

String walks into a bar, orders a drink.

The bartenders says, "Sorry, bub, we don't serve string here." Tosses him out.

Out on the street, the string kinda gets bent out of shape, tousles his hair. He walks back in and again orders a drink.

Bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what are you trying to pull? Aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"

String, disheveled and angry but still articulate, says defiantly, "Nope. I’m a frayed knot."

Lovely little town with an old church at its heart and one of those big bells up in a tower rising from the roof. The bell ringer has a simple but significant job. Marking the days, calling congregants to worship, establishing order for the small community.

The bell ringer dies and no one in town is interested in the job. Loud environment; menial, repetitive work; mostly thankless. The local priest adds bell ringing to his other duties. But for all of his prayers for patience, he hates it.

One day a nameless stranger wanders into town. He's unkempt, awkward and mute. Eventually he makes his way to the church and that night falls asleep at its entrance. Early the next morning, the priest finds him, feeds him, and through a series of gestures, establishes a simple sort of dialog.

The two men form an immediate bond and awkward man joins the priest as he begins his daily rounds. Soon it's time for morning prayers and therefore time to ring the bell to call in the faithful. Despite himself and the joy of his new friend, the priest's displeasure with the task is evident. Awkward man enthusiastically offers to help. Instead of pulling on the bell rope, awkward man climbs up to where the bell hangs, ambles toward it and smacks it with his face. The pitch is perfect and the clear tone of the bell resonates through the town. The priest is concerned for his friend (surely this can't be good for his head), but there is so much childlike delight in awkward man's face and he seems so good at the job, even with his unorthodox approach (and, indeed, wasn't he a bit addled to begin with?), that the priest concludes it must be ordained.

There are few who notice awkward man that day; he quietly blends into the background. Evening approaches and it's time for vespers. The priest indicates that it's time to ring the bell again and awkward man eagerly rises to his task. Again, he strikes the bell with his face. It again peels out a perfect tone. But in the shadows he loses his footing, trips out the bell tower and falls with a thud to his death. Alas, it all happened so quickly and there was nothing the priest could do.

The priest is beside himself, weeping over the dead body of his anonymous friend.

Town folk gather around, but of course no one recognizes the awkward newcomer. "Who is he?" they ask the priest.

Through his sobs, the priest answers, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

As it happens, another stranger at that very moment walks into town, clean-shaven and well-dressed, but otherwise identical in appearance to the dead man. He sees the dead body on the dusty ground and cries out, "My God, that's my twin. What happened?"

Holding back tears, the priest tells the whole story. Disconcerting to the priest, a smile creeps over the stranger's face as the tale unfolds. At its end, he explains to the priest that the two men come from a family of bell ringers. "He loved it more than any of us," the stranger explains, "I doubt he could have chosen a better way to die."

Despite initial protests from the bereaved priest, the stranger talks his way into going up the tower and ringing the bell to honor his brother--which he does in the same unorthodox manner and with the same beautiful sound. And sadly, the stranger, like his awkward twin, stumbles and falls to his death.

The priest runs out to see two bodies side by side, sprawled across the ground. Uncanny, really, in their silent repose, how the two look so much alike.

Again the locals ask, pointing at the second stranger, "Who then is this?"

"I don't know," says the priest, now almost bemused, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally
gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in.

Someone told me you sound like an owl.

Q: What's the number one cause of pedophilia?
A: Sexy kids.

One of my favorite philosophical musings from Jack Handey: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you have a mile head start. And you have their shoes.

A guy comes home from work one day and finds all of his belongings thrown all over the yard. Everywhere. His TV is smashed, his clothes are in the tree and his golf clubs are bent and strewn about.
He rushes to the door and is greeted by his girlfriend. She immediately starts screaming, "I know what you are! I know what you are!"
He tries to calm her down.
He says, "I don't know what you are upset about, but let's talk about it. Calm down."
She screams, "I will not calm down! I know what you are! "
He again asks her to calm down and offeres to talk, hoping to figure out what she is so upset about.
She screams, "I know what you are! You are a pedophile!"
"Wait a minute," he yells, "that's a really big word for a fourteen year old to be throwing around."

Where do you find a turtle?
-right where you left him.

I have a very offensive joke, but it dosent break any forum rules. If I get 5 or more stars on this comment I'll post it.

1 What do you get if you throw a grenade in a french bathroom?

Linoleum Blownaparte.

2 What do you get if you throw une grenade in a french bathroom?

A pomegranate on the floor...

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini and taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?" she replied.

"We are priests and proud of it; but I have to know how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me…………….Sister Margaret.”

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked, as fast as an old lady can, through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling, naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

/giphy tell a joke

Does anyone understand this joke? Someone said it but won’t tell me what it means!

Hey my grandma always said to me, “Boy! God only made people either smart or good lookin , and lemme just tell ya, it’s for damn sure ain’t smart, and it’s debatable about your looks! So good luck in life” woman would leave me speechless after every time she would say that.
But I was her favorite.