A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”
a guy goes to the emergency room with a problem. he explains to the nurse, who blanches at the description of the injury and immediately puts him in a bed and tells him a dr. will be there soon. a few minutes later- the dr walks in, looks at the injury and asks what happened. the patient calmly replies “i was sodomized by an elephant.” the dr. says “that’s impossible- from the rectal tearing and extreme damage done to your sphincter, there’s no way an elephant did this. i did a stint at the zoo while i was in school working with elephants- the penis of an adult elephant, when engorged, is barely thicker than my thumb. whatever did this to you, it wasn’t an elephant penis. what happened here?”
the guy, again calmly, replies “well, he fingered me a little first…”
“Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian" around, so that’s why fire trucks are red!"
Btw this joke is best told verbally, not read.
And the best teller of this joke would be a slightly and politely impertinent and cheerful child who is roughly between the ages of 4 and 11.
How do you keep a Puerto Rican from spending his welfare check?? Hide it in his work boots!! ( And before the trolls come in, Im born and raised in PR and find this hilarious!)
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a goat in the front seat. "What are you doing with that goat?"
He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the goat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that goat to the zoo!"
The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
@daveinwarsh Always remember my father telling me the same with ‘Prince Albert in a can.’ Didn’t they make any regular guy tobacco? Do you have ‘Jack the Homeless Guy in a can?’
@f00l or the classic prank call:
Hi, this is Ann Hoff. My brother Jack is in the store, could you page him.
Sure … phone call for Jack Hoff… is there a Jack Hoff here… dial tone
or a call to the bar for Al Koholic.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Did you hear about the guy who got frozen down to -459.67°F? But don’t worry, he’s 0K now.
@lordbowen
@lordbowen Spectacular
@lordbowen
Did you hear about the guy that got cut in half in an accident?
He’s all right now.
@lordbowen Took me a minute to dredge that science out of my brain… LOL
Did you hear about the hipster that burned his mouth on the pizza slice? He ate it before it was cool.
Q: Why do hipsters only use microwaves?
A: They don’t like conventional ovens.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It’s an obscure number. You probably never heard of it.
@KDemo I can’t believe that I actually laughed out loud at all 3 of those…
@mikebrown2509 - Cool. I wonder if hipsters know they’re hipsters?
@KDemo
Hipsters are way too cool to be hipsters.
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been trippin’ all day.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal there was a dog.
It was a shitzhu.
@cinoclav
I must die now.
@f00l IKR. My life is pretty much complete.
@cinoclav I’m just replying to say that I starred this. That is all.
I’ve got a Polish friend who works as a roadie for a band. I’ve got a Czech one, too… Czech one, too.
This needs more stars.
So the chicken and the egg are laying in bed… The chicken lights up a cigarette, takes a long, deep drag and exhales with a satisfied sigh…
The egg rolls over and says: “Well, I guess that answers that.”
@omahajack nobody ever thinks about the rooster…
@alacrity well, I guess that answers that!
Q. What time did the guy make his dentist appointment at?
A. Tooth-Hurty
Q. What do we do when a chemist dies?
A. We Barium
Q. How does Moses make his tea?
A. Hebrews it
NSFW
Q. How come barbie never gets pregnant?
A. Because Ken comes in a different box.
@lichme Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich!!
@carl669 Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarl!
Mother to son, “You should stop dating that girl. She has no future, all her family does is make whiskey.”
Son to mother, “But I love her still.”
What do Winnie the Pooh and Attila the Hun have in common?
Their middle name.
A rabbi, a priest, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Two guys are walking down the street. One walks into a bar. The other guy ducks.
I blatantly steal jokes from the internet, rather than trying to pretend I made them up.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
Better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall.
So… these two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, just like it would anywhere else.
Q: How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A: A Buccaneer.
@mahoneyli Always thought it was: How much does a pirate pay for corn?
@cinoclav Never heard that one. That’s great!
I detect a whiff of internet sourcing.
Well y knot.
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Q; What’s the difference between a doughnut and a deernut?
A: Doughnuts are about $8 per dozen, deernuts are under a buck.
@mehmoth …difference between beer nuts and deer nuts… beer nuts are $1.49, deer nuts are under a buck…
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in three years…
Come on like I have 2020 vision!
@mikibell I’m stealing this.
Q: Why do hamburgers think they’re so cool?
A: Cuz they get to hang out with pickles.
(This joke was written by 6-year-old me, when I was unclear on a lot of concepts.)
@UncleVinny That would certainly make them as cool as cucumbers, no?
@JerseyFrank 6-year-old me would be staring at you blankly. Adult me is nodding sagely.
Because today is Old Christmas, aka the Twelfth Day of.
@OldCatLady
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
“I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
@daveinwarsh Hopefully the bartender didn’t charge them.
@MrMark @daveinwarsh with assault and battery
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
@daveinwarsh
/youtube I’m a gummy bear
/youtube I’m a gummy bear german
/giphy I’m a gummy bear
/image I’m a gummy bear
@PlacidPenguin in my opinion, the ONLY Gummy Bear song worth posting is this:
@daveinwarsh Why do teddy bears not eat at picnics?
A. Because they are already stuffed.
Did you hear about the cannibals who passed a missionary in the jungle?
What does the B in Benoit B Mandelbrot stands for?
Benoit B Mandelbrot.
@MehnofLaMehncha i lol’d at this one.
Q What happens when a cow jumps over a barbwire fence?
A Udder destruction.
Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Q How does NASA throw a party?
A They planet.
Last time it rained cats and dogs, I stepped into a poodle.
@Pavlov oh god. I used to have a Roger Rabbit plush with a pull string that said that.
/giphy Roger Rabbit
I invested in toilet paper and revolving doors, but I was all wiped out before I could turn around.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food… but no atmosphere.
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.
@mahoneyli No, because 7 is a registered 6 offender
@tightwad Good one!
Q: Why do men like it when women wear leather?
A: Because they smell like a new car.
What did the prism say to the beam of light?
Get bent.
I was gonna tell a joke about my dick, but it’s super long.
A guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, “Doc, you gotta help me! Last night, I dreamt that I was a tepee. The night before, I dreamt I was a wigwam!”
The psychiatrist looks at the guy and says, coolly, “You need to calm down. You’re two tents.”
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
What should you do if you see a green alien?
Wait until it’s ripe!
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
It’s a little meteor.
“Doctor, Doctor I feel like a goat”.
“How long have you felt like that”?
… “Since I was a kid”.
@daveinwarsh The last one needs posted on the goat thread…
Did you hear about the fire at the campground?
It was in tents.
I was going to tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
What day do potatoes hate the most?
Fry-day!
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador!
Why do seaguls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the Bay they would be Bagels.
A Zen master visiting New York City goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.
The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”
3 Irishmen walk out of a bar.
…hey, it could happen
a guy goes to the emergency room with a problem. he explains to the nurse, who blanches at the description of the injury and immediately puts him in a bed and tells him a dr. will be there soon. a few minutes later- the dr walks in, looks at the injury and asks what happened. the patient calmly replies “i was sodomized by an elephant.” the dr. says “that’s impossible- from the rectal tearing and extreme damage done to your sphincter, there’s no way an elephant did this. i did a stint at the zoo while i was in school working with elephants- the penis of an adult elephant, when engorged, is barely thicker than my thumb. whatever did this to you, it wasn’t an elephant penis. what happened here?”
the guy, again calmly, replies “well, he fingered me a little first…”
Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels great while you’re doing it, but when you’re done you realize you just fucked yourself.
Q: What is the difference between a straight man’s mustache and a gay man’s mustache?
A: The smell.
credit: This is 40 (movie)
Three dogs parachuted out of an airplane because a cat told them it was going to crash.
It wasn’t.
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.
What did Captain Jack Sparrow use while on galley dury?
Pyrex of the Caribbean
a sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. the bartender looks at the sandwich and says “sorry, pal- we don’t serve food here”
@marklog got a dog to come near him.
@carl669 - Truly bad joke!
What do you call a blind Bambi? No eyed deer.
What do you call a blind Bambi with no hoofs? Still no eyed deer.
My boss told me to have a good day…
So I went home…
What do you do with a sick boat?
You take it to the dock.
@CaptAmehrican And along the lines of your jokes
What lies on the ocean floor twitching uncontrollably?
A. A nervous wreck.
One of my childhood favs:
“Why are fire engines red?”
“Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian" around, so that’s why fire trucks are red!"
@f00l
Btw this joke is best told verbally, not read.
And the best teller of this joke would be a slightly and politely impertinent and cheerful child who is roughly between the ages of 4 and 11.
@f00l Or just ask Google Now
@Bingo
I’m not so into watching Google Now’s face as it tells the joke.
Somewhat inferior experience.
How do you keep a Puerto Rican from spending his welfare check?? Hide it in his work boots!! ( And before the trolls come in, Im born and raised in PR and find this hilarious!)
Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.
@DocBJ …or because he knows he will lick your face later.
Did you hear about the guy who won “farmer of the year”?
He was out standing in his field.
Two nuts were walking down the street, one was a salted.
Can February March? No but April May.
How do you make holy water?
A. You boil the hell out of it.
and
Why can’t you trust Adams.
A. They make up everything
@Kidsandliz I was confused there for a second before I realized, oh… atoms.
@cinoclav yeah well it is a lame joke anyway…
@Kidsandliz No, it’s actually funny but written down the spelling throws it off. Saying it in my head clarified it.
@cinoclav Yes some are better delivered said than written
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a goat in the front seat. "What are you doing with that goat?"
He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the goat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
"I thought you were going to take that goat to the zoo!"
The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
@daveinwarsh Eh… rehash of one I told in our older joke thread: https://meh.com/forum/topics/the-joke-thread#5407dc6cb03a74fc027a9607
@cinoclav oops…
Disclaimer: This is not only a dumb joke, it’s a joke-rehash taken from cinoclav.
I apologize to him & meh.
Shit. Now I have to scan the previous thread before I post again…
@daveinwarsh
Naw. You don’t.
Just grovel when you get caught.
@daveinwarsh Lol - Actually, the penguin version was always my all time favorite joke. Though the zoo one I posted above may have taken over #1.
@f00l or ask for forgiveness when caught rather than for permission to repost…
“How many manipulative guilt-tripping relatives does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“That’s all right. I don’t mind. I’ll just sit here in the dark.”
Q: Why do cows where bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
How do you get a tissue to dance
A: You put a little boogie in it.
the town i was born in was so small, our dragstrip was a transvestite.
What do you call a slutty cookie?
A whOreo.
What is a computer’s favorite food?
A. microchips
/giphy sadness and pain
@legendornothing
What that a response to the joke? Or are you indicating you’re too bummed out to appreciate 3rd grade humor?
/giphy ironic sadness and pain
@f00l /giphy ironic irony
@legendornothing
Sounds good then.
/giphy irony
@f00l
/giphy ironicer irony
@f00l
/giphy frozone supersuit
Dredged from 2nd grade prank phone calls
(we did them from a courtesy phone at parent’s club hq until we got caught.)
Is your refrigerator running?
Well, you’d better go catch it.
@f00l Do you have Sir Walter Raleigh in a can?
Then you better go let him out!!
@daveinwarsh Always remember my father telling me the same with ‘Prince Albert in a can.’ Didn’t they make any regular guy tobacco? Do you have ‘Jack the Homeless Guy in a can?’
@f00l or the classic prank call:
Hi, this is Ann Hoff. My brother Jack is in the store, could you page him.
Sure … phone call for Jack Hoff… is there a Jack Hoff here…
dial tone
or a call to the bar for Al Koholic.
did you hear the joke about the wall?
it’s hilarious! i still can’t get over it.
How will Mexicans get over Trump’s wall?
With a Trumpoline.
What did the buffalo say to his kid as the boy went off to college? Bye-son ( bison ) get it… hehe.
What did the mama gnu say when the papa gnu asked if she was pregnant?
“Have I got gnus for YOU!”
did you hear about the muslim extremist love doll? when you remove the burkha, it blows itself up.
If the girls like it when you talk nice to them,
does it make you a cunning linguist?
Have you heard about the new shop that sells shoes especially for gingers? They’ve got no soles!
Two men on the river bank, taking a leak into the river.
Man #1. brrr, that water is cold…
Man #2 yeah, and it’s deep too!
sucka
@carl669
HAIRPIECE!!!
A black guy, a Middle eastern guy, and a priest walk into a bar, And they all blow up.
A cat got run over,it was catastrophic.
A German Shepard named “Rumor” won Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
But every dog there was a very good dog!!!
Where’d Noah keep the bees?
In the ark-hive