This seems like a lot of pens that do a lot of things poorly (button batteries? really?) and slowly (“Aigh, an attacker, let me find the whistle! Nope, that’s not it. Hold on…nope…” or “Oh no, my car is in the water, let me get the window breaker thingie…nope…no, not that one…”)
and yet I kinda want one just for the fun of being able to whip out the bottle opener at key moments.
@brainmist Bring them to work. When you actually are physically back at the office. Set them out and give them 3 weeks and the pens that may write on things will have grown legs like the above robotic spider.
@brainmist You mean you don’t have a pair of Reef bottle-opener flip flops? I got some by accident, sort of - I just liked the sandals and they were on sale; I didn’t realize the extra feature until later.
The one-star reviews on Amazon are the best, as is often the case. They pretty much line up with my expectations for this item. The whistle and bottle cap remover are probably the two most nearly functional parts.
@werehatrack Well, it is, but it isn’t. Someone has paid to license the brand name, or the husk of what’s left of it. Like the RCA flat panel TV or the Philco DVD player. Personally I hate how they claim in the infomercials that it’s the ‘same B&H you’ve trusted for years’. Yeah, like hell it is.
@PooltoyWolf Actually, from what I was seeing, it’s worse than that. This is a case of some asshole with lots of money having successfully infringed on a respected trademark by changing one character in the name (& to +) and then throwing loads of lawyering at the suit. There’s no license tracing back to the folks who really acquired the old Bell & Howell (which still sort of exists), there’s just a squatter shitting all over the name.
Three LR44 batteries? THREE? Oh, ffs. A couple months ago I was about to throw out some old led flashlights (conference swag, back when we did that sort of thing) that took 4x LR44s. Then I discovered the miracles that are 4LR44 batteries (aka 476A / PX28A / A544 / K28A / L1325) which are a single unit that takes the place of an annoying pile of 4x LR44 button batteries. Common on dog collars, wireless doorbells, and the like.
But THREE? Nope, you gotta deal with handfuls of nostril hazards. I guess that’s why they are here…
@blaadnort Three LR44 cells powered most of the old laser-keychain cat exerisers; that’s where I used to see them a lot. That item has largely fallen out of common availability. I see more of the longer, skinnier ones that use two AAA cells now. (I think I have half a dozen of those, in some assortment of all four readily-available wavelengths.)
Which reminds me, I need to check those for expiring batteries…
@werehatrack@whitelightertre I used a Wallet Ninja clone back in the day to tighten some loose nuts on some patio furniture.
I wasn’t wearing gloves. The sharp edges of the Ninja dug into my hand to ensure that I wouldn’t try to apply more torque than the tool or the furniture could handle.
I used the screwdrivers several times, but the hex wrench feature was only useful that one time. You can only use that hex wrench when there is enough space around the nut or bolt to fit the card.
@lichen@nottooloud Not when you look at the way it goes together; the various bits nest inside each other, and there’s only room for a pair of AAA cells if you chuck most of the other functions to make room. Then you’d be left with a pointless light and a glass breaker, which even QVC might balk at trying to sell at 3AM.
@lichen@nottooloud Yeah I thought when I saw the unit out of nice-looking metal, it would have room for one AAA battery. But instead it’s just the ubiquitous evil toxic LR44s. But it comes with spare toxic little batteries at least…
With so many little compartments, one should be a salt shaker. Then it could be sold as (drum roll…) A Salt and Batteries.
@Kyeh
Not everyone reads the forum thread. FTM, not enough people actually read, period. The Ooooh, Shiny! factor on this item is high, for those in its target market - and an adequate number of them check this site.
Personally, I treat the As Seen On TV logo as a Warning Label. I’ve turned down some of those for free.
@werehatrack Well, I’ve seen things sold here that I thought were a lot stupider than this. As for the the TV deals, I like the way they’re categorized on Sidedeal: Dumb things you saw on TV
@Kyeh Yeah, this is only about a six on the “Did they really go there?” 1-10 scale. The outright snake-oil herbal supplements are far worse. I include the entire Hempvana line by virtue of its marketing, even where the product minus the hempish hype is actually valid. Woo-camo aspercreme clones at many times the MSRP are still intended to be a ripoff, even when they flop so badly that they end up here at a reasonable price for what’s actually in there.
@richrauch Stolen, more like. Bell & Howell still exists (but has been acquired by an actual investor). From what I read, this outfit is an outright impostor that squatted on the name via a one-character difference, and managed to successfully defend their theft in court. Your rant is more than 100% valid.
@richrauch@werehatrack Yeah not sure what happened to Nakamichi, which I think this site has sold as $6 earbuds or something.
“Back in the day,” Nakamichi was a very high-end name in audio equipment, famous for audio cassette recorders (yes, that was the thing!) starting at about $500. And that was 40 years ago. I still have mine… not sure why.
@housepage916 It breaks the edge of the screen on smartphones that are thin enough to fit in the slot. Which, if they have any kind of a protective case on them, they won’t. In other words, the smartphone slot is the result of somebody sitting around a table saying “We need one more feature to add to the list for this, can we call this notch here a smartphone slot?”
Specs
Product: 4-Pack: Bell + Howell 9-in-1 Tactical Pens with Tool Cards & Replacement Batteries
Model: 724466
Condition: New
Tac Pen Features:
41 Tool card uses
Inch ruler, CM ruler, Protractor, Screw Driver, Square Nut Wrench (.375", .25"), Eyeglass screwdriver, Hex wrench (0.50", 0.4125", 0.3750", 0.3125", 0.250", 0.21875", 0.1750", 15mm, 13mm, 10mm, 9.5mm, 8mm, 7.5mm, 7mm, 6mm, 5.5mm, 5mm, 4mm, #6, #8, 9/16"), Divider markers, Bottle cap opener, 0.25" circle guide, Butterfly wrench, Smart phone slot, String cutter, Bottle opener, Spoke wrench (0.156", 0.136", 0.130", 0.127"), Staple remover, Box opener
Available in 3 sets:
What’s Included?
Price Comparison
$71 at Amazon for 4 w/out the Extras
Warranty
90 days
Estimated Delivery
Thursday, Aug 4 - Monday, Aug 8
But can I replace the inside with a Mont Blanc refill to make it a poor man’s James Bond superpen?
I mean, yeah!
/giphy precipitous-negligible-basketball
@dasred DAGGUM!!
No purple, but that might be Georgia Red.
@heartny, no, I think it’s Russian Red!!
I mean, I don’t want to get smoked by a 4/20 deal.
/giphy invincible-jumbo-tarantula
@fuzzmanmatt I hope this gif makes some of you uncomfortable. It’s fantastic!
@fuzzmanmatt
@fuzzmanmatt, I like spiders, though that’s no tarantula, but what spider is that¿
<<<neither is he! 
@1DisabledWarVet @fuzzmanmatt
@1DisabledWarVet @fuzzmanmatt That is a scissor lipped bag-biter. and they jump 4 feet.
@1DisabledWarVet @fuzzmanmatt @otyce
The legs look like scythes.
So no matter what we order, when we open the box, we’re going to see red?
@werehatrack not my first choice but it appears so
BLAZE IT
This seems like a lot of pens that do a lot of things poorly (button batteries? really?) and slowly (“Aigh, an attacker, let me find the whistle! Nope, that’s not it. Hold on…nope…” or “Oh no, my car is in the water, let me get the window breaker thingie…nope…no, not that one…”)
and yet I kinda want one just for the fun of being able to whip out the bottle opener at key moments.
@brainmist Bring them to work. When you actually are physically back at the office. Set them out and give them 3 weeks and the pens that may write on things will have grown legs like the above robotic spider.
@brainmist You mean you don’t have a pair of Reef bottle-opener flip flops?
I got some by accident, sort of - I just liked the sandals and they were on sale; I didn’t realize the extra feature until later.
@brainmist @Kyeh And for sanitation… a 29!!!
/image puttin on the hits
@brainmist @Kyeh That’s gotta be the filthiest bottle opener ever.
@blaineg @brainmist Yeah, I’ve never used it for that, myself.
@brainmist @Kyeh The one in the photo looks like a poncy-ass wine opener instead of a beer bottle uncapper.
@brainmist @werehatrack Well, it’s not very poncy-ass wine if you can open it with one of these!
@whomeyesu I’m a hipster WFH: I did it before it was cool. I would be keen on robotic spider pen though.
@Kyeh @werehatrack It’s a bottlecap opener. The thing that looks like a corkscrew is their logo.
And it may be filthy, but it’s only touching a bare edge of the bottle cap. I’m sure it’s fine!
Would have hit me with a 420 dayz warranty and we would all be in. Hit, hit, hit button - pass!
The one-star reviews on Amazon are the best, as is often the case. They pretty much line up with my expectations for this item. The whistle and bottle cap remover are probably the two most nearly functional parts.
@werehatrack Yeah. The reviews are pretty damning. I was thinking cute, pretty colors, but, no.
2 for $10 would have been nice but I don’t want to spend $20!!
@Lynnerizer I guess you four things 4 20 bucks.
@mexicantacos
Oh duh, I’m slow! How did I not see that…
@mexicantacos
You win this thread as far as I’m concerned. I missed that, and can’t top it.
@werehatrack damn, I didn’t realize that either actually. Also thought it was 2 for 4 20.
/giphy frigid-abashed-anteater
I just break car windows with my fist and write in blood like a normal human.
@carl669 Speechwriter for Putin?
@asplus @carl669 Needs a suicide pill.
@asplus @werehatrack doesn’t everyone have a cyanide tooth installed as a child?
Defend yourself with that strobe light and someone is likely to drop a 16 ton weight on you.
@werehatrack Sooo funny!
I don’t remember seeing this skit before, (or it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten)…and it’s hysterical. They certainly were the epitome of ‘silly’.
@werehatrack Try that with a pineapple shoved down your windpipe!
What, no lighter function? What 420 junk is this?
@hchavers No, but I’m sure one of the tools will help open the adult-proof packaging that most of the edibles come in.
Dammit.
/giphy cursive-exuberant-opinion
This is not the Bell & Howell of film projector history you remember (assuming you remember one at all).
@werehatrack Another sad ghost of a zombie brand.
@werehatrack Well, it is, but it isn’t. Someone has paid to license the brand name, or the husk of what’s left of it. Like the RCA flat panel TV or the Philco DVD player. Personally I hate how they claim in the infomercials that it’s the ‘same B&H you’ve trusted for years’. Yeah, like hell it is.
@PooltoyWolf Actually, from what I was seeing, it’s worse than that. This is a case of some asshole with lots of money having successfully infringed on a respected trademark by changing one character in the name (& to +) and then throwing loads of lawyering at the suit. There’s no license tracing back to the folks who really acquired the old Bell & Howell (which still sort of exists), there’s just a squatter shitting all over the name.
@werehatrack
I don’t have to worry about breaking car windows. The thieves in our parking lot do that for us free of charge.
Then use the pen to fill out the police report then stab your eye out with the Phillips screwdriver!!
@bugger Assuming you can get the unsecured bit to stay in the handle…
/giphy frantic-inquisitive-muscle
Three LR44 batteries? THREE? Oh, ffs. A couple months ago I was about to throw out some old led flashlights (conference swag, back when we did that sort of thing) that took 4x LR44s. Then I discovered the miracles that are 4LR44 batteries (aka 476A / PX28A / A544 / K28A / L1325) which are a single unit that takes the place of an annoying pile of 4x LR44 button batteries. Common on dog collars, wireless doorbells, and the like.
But THREE? Nope, you gotta deal with handfuls of nostril hazards. I guess that’s why they are here…
@blaadnort https://www.alibaba.com/product-detail/Best-Selling-4-5voltage-3lr44-3ag13_60866526427.html?spm=a2700.7724857.normal_offer.d_image.7f731635HJRNcw
@blaadnort Dude, you’re not supposed to snort them. Today’s 4/20, not whatever the equivalent coke day is.
@blaadnort @lisagd This is the joke of someone who hasn’t had a small child who lives by if it fits in da nose, it goes.
Honestly batteries might be less stressful than food; at least I’d be able to use a magnet rather than trying to tweeze out a lima bean.
@blaadnort Three LR44 cells powered most of the old laser-keychain cat exerisers; that’s where I used to see them a lot. That item has largely fallen out of common availability. I see more of the longer, skinnier ones that use two AAA cells now. (I think I have half a dozen of those, in some assortment of all four readily-available wavelengths.)
Which reminds me, I need to check those for expiring batteries…
@blaadnort @DonWhiteside Yet another reason I’m glad I don’t have kids.
/giphy credible-jovial-birch
John Wick uses these? What an endorsement!
/giphy famished-faint-sun
/giphy demonic-unused-rake
Elon must be so proud of you.
Kinda Tac-y. Definitely not the write stuff. Although the pen-is mightier than the tac-sticles (unless you shine some red light on them).
Hell & Bowell
@mehorama So you are saying what Meh is trying to do here is a Bowell movement?
I don’t know about the pens, but the cards look very similar to “wallet ninja” that I bought some of years back. People LOVED getting them as gifts
@whitelightertre I expect that the hex wrench capabilities in there are probably good for about 3 inch ounces of torque.
@werehatrack @whitelightertre I used a Wallet Ninja clone back in the day to tighten some loose nuts on some patio furniture.
I wasn’t wearing gloves. The sharp edges of the Ninja dug into my hand to ensure that I wouldn’t try to apply more torque than the tool or the furniture could handle.
I used the screwdrivers several times, but the hex wrench feature was only useful that one time. You can only use that hex wrench when there is enough space around the nut or bolt to fit the card.
LR44s? Not rechargeable AAAs? No thanks.
@nottooloud
They look more than big enough for a AAA too!
@lichen @nottooloud Not when you look at the way it goes together; the various bits nest inside each other, and there’s only room for a pair of AAA cells if you chuck most of the other functions to make room. Then you’d be left with a pointless light and a glass breaker, which even QVC might balk at trying to sell at 3AM.
@lichen @nottooloud Yeah I thought when I saw the unit out of nice-looking metal, it would have room for one AAA battery. But instead it’s just the ubiquitous evil toxic LR44s. But it comes with spare toxic little batteries at least…
With so many little compartments, one should be a salt shaker. Then it could be sold as (drum roll…)
A Salt and Batteries.
@pmarin
@lichen @nottooloud @werehatrack So is making a pointless thing even more pointless a win or a loss?
@blaineg @lichen @nottooloud
Yes! (To both…)
@blaineg @lichen @nottooloud @werehatrack
Looks plenty pointy to me…
Despite all the scorn they’ve sold a whole bunch of these!
@Kyeh
Not everyone reads the forum thread. FTM, not enough people actually read, period. The Ooooh, Shiny! factor on this item is high, for those in its target market - and an adequate number of them check this site.
Personally, I treat the As Seen On TV logo as a Warning Label. I’ve turned down some of those for free.
@werehatrack Well, I’ve seen things sold here that I thought were a lot stupider than this. As for the the TV deals, I like the way they’re categorized on Sidedeal:
Dumb things you saw on TV
@Kyeh Yeah, this is only about a six on the “Did they really go there?” 1-10 scale. The outright snake-oil herbal supplements are far worse. I include the entire Hempvana line by virtue of its marketing, even where the product minus the hempish hype is actually valid. Woo-camo aspercreme clones at many times the MSRP are still intended to be a ripoff, even when they flop so badly that they end up here at a reasonable price for what’s actually in there.
What the hell
/giphy buttery-bland-warlord
“Bell + Howell” my *ss. A once-respected name in optics was picked up by some junk dealer to be slapped on their slave-labor wares. [/boomer rant]
@richrauch Stolen, more like. Bell & Howell still exists (but has been acquired by an actual investor). From what I read, this outfit is an outright impostor that squatted on the name via a one-character difference, and managed to successfully defend their theft in court. Your rant is more than 100% valid.
@richrauch @werehatrack Yeah not sure what happened to Nakamichi, which I think this site has sold as $6 earbuds or something.
“Back in the day,” Nakamichi was a very high-end name in audio equipment, famous for audio cassette recorders (yes, that was the thing!) starting at about $500. And that was 40 years ago. I still have mine… not sure why.
/giphy uninvited-cylindrical-sofa
Yah sure why not?
/giphy dizzy bland ant
/buy
@relm256 Sorry, this deal contains 3 unique items and I’m not sure which one you want. You can review how to pick one, or just try ordering from the checkout page.
/giphy crumby-amethyst-woodpecker
/giphy habitual-weedy-sorcerer
Last minute decision
/giphy crowded-peppery-leech
I’m so high I thought buying this was a great idea
/giphy distracted-trite-death
/image distracted-trite-death
/giphy plucky-unadvised-lager
/giphy bold-opportune-glue
Got a pair of Red and a pair of Green… wish I got a pair of Black. I feel like it would fit better with my general tacticool motif.
What even does the “smart phone slot” DO? Sure as hell doesn’t hold a smart phone I can tell that much from the picture…
@housepage916 It breaks the edge of the screen on smartphones that are thin enough to fit in the slot. Which, if they have any kind of a protective case on them, they won’t. In other words, the smartphone slot is the result of somebody sitting around a table saying “We need one more feature to add to the list for this, can we call this notch here a smartphone slot?”