4-Pack: Bell + Howell 9-in-1 Tac Pens with Tool Cards & Extra Batteries

  • These tactical pens can break windows, whistle, screw stuff together, shine a light on things, shine a self-defense strobe light at things, and even open bottles
  • Oh, they can also write, we’re told
  • You get 4 of them for $20
  • That’s 4 Tac Pens, 4 tool cards, 4 ink refills and 4 extra sets of batteries
  • The tool card can be used as a ruler and can fix your sunglasses or your bike tire or what have you
  • Here is a helpful 20+ minute video about these things
  • Can it make margaritas: honestly, we’d be surprised if it couldn’t
see more product specs

Four For Twenty

Wow. It’s 4/20. And we’ve got 4 tactical pens for $20. Also, you get four tool cards.

Now, given the holiday, I’ve taken perhaps a few too many hits off another kind of pen, and it’s made me a little philosophical, but I was just thinking… couldn’t you say all pens are tactical pens?

Like, sure: each of these can be a window strike tool, and a whistle, and a self-defense strobe light, and can generally be used as a weapon. But, if you think about it, isn’t, like, language the ultimate weapon? Against, like, tyranny and stuff? And also against Jake from HR who’s all like, “I don’t care what date it is, you can’t just sit around vaping at your cubicle all day”?

What I’m getting at is that I’m pretty sure the person who said, “The pen is mightier than the sword,” wasn’t talking about one of these tactical ones.

But wait, who said that again? Was it Shakespeare? Or Francis Bacon? Or–

Oh, man. Bacon. Damn. There should be a subscription box for bacon. Maybe I’ll pitch that to the higher-ups. Better do it quick. Before Jake comes back with security.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh right, these tactical pens. Like, okay, so there’s a flashlight to illuminate things. But isn’t the written language already, like, illuminating enough? You know, like, how it illuminates history, to keep us from making the same mistakes again? And sure these tactical pens have screwdrivers, but haven’t pens been used to build stuff for a while, like, I don’t know, governments and laws and shit? Seriously, Google “the Declaration of Independence” if you don’t believe me.

As for the bottle opener part, well, pens have opened bottles since forever. For example, they’ve opened the bottles of passion, via sonnets from great poets like Shakespeare or Bacon or–

Wasn’t I just reading about someone launching a bacon subscription box? I should search and see if they’re looking for, like, beta testers or something–

Wait, how long has this Phish video been playing? At full volume?

Oh, what’s the other thing? The tool card? Is that what Jake from HR has in his wallet, lol? Because he’s sure being a real tool about this vaping-at-my-desk thing. It’s like, dude, I don’t get on your case when you wear green for Saint Patrick’s Day!

Okay, so, according to this HSN YouTube video, which I guess I’ve also been playing at full volume–I thought it was part of the Phish song!–you can use the tool card as a ruler and to do a bunch of other stuff like fix your sunglasses.

Which is good, because I’m gonna need to put on some sunglasses to walk out of here with this security guard, so no one sees my bloodshot eyes as I shout my idea for a bacon subscription box towards Matt’s office.

Or wait, was that my idea? Or was someone telling me about that?

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