Paper Fears This.

You don’t really hear about paperweights anymore, do you?

Back in the day, they were a totally ordinary thing. You’d see them all the time. Just random ass objects with a small bit of heft and green felt on the bottom for some reason.

You’d buy them for people. It was a totally a go-to gift for any occasion. Aunt Cherie loves puppies? Puppy paperweight. Robert likes airplanes? Well you’re in luck, Bobby Boy, here’s one to sit right in front of you while you work. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuummmmmmmmm or whatever sound airplanes make when you’re pretending to fly it around your cluttered desk.

(By the way, how do we know that the desk is cluttered? Because these are the type of people who pay money for random objects with no discernible functionality other than occupying space and being made of mass.)

Older readers, perhaps you can weigh in with a comment and let us know, but back before the digitalization of everything, was there so much paper that it was just flying off your desk or spilling onto the floor? Were you constantly looking around for a rock or a snow globe or a deliberately heavy vacation souvenir expressly intended to keep your out of control paper firmly in its spot so you could…what? Write a business letter on a typewriter or send a fax or whatever the hell people in offices used to do all day before there was a machine that let them send emails and play solitaire?

Anyway, please let us know. This is not rhetorical. And younger readers, before you ask what a fax is, just know that we’re not going to answer because that would spoil the surprise for an upcoming deal*.

But we’re getting off topic. (Editor’s Note: You have not yet been anywhere remotely close to “the topic.”)

While we’re sorry that certain readers have a hard time enjoying any content that has more exposition than a TikTok short (Editor’s Note: Can we not do this again?), we do feel like it can be intellectually satisfying to follow along with a gentle thought piece about the origins of paperweights before discussing the deal itself: *A REALLY NICE DESK FAN THAT CAN BLOW YOUR PAPERS EVERYWHERE!

This is that. It’s sleek and looks kind of ominous. It’s small but surprisingly powerful. It has two speed settings because a decisive badass like you doesn’t need any middling “medium” setting for cowards unable to commit to low or high.

So if somehow that isn’t enough to sell you on this thing, just think about all the cool paperweights you can justify once you’ve got your new Vornado fan blasting!

Suddenly you have a real-world business case for spending money on useless nonsense ranging from those Funko pops to fidget toys to elegant crystal ashtrays like your grandma used to have.

See? It’s all coming together.

Come for the fan. Stay for the swirling vortex of junk mail.

*goodness no, not even us