Thanksgiving? Let's see which Grandma wants it more.

Grandma Ruth, Grandma Connie, great to see you both. You’ve both been wonderful grandmas and I’ll always be grateful for the love you’ve shown me. My fondest memories, the best times of my life, have been shared with one or the other of you.

So here’s a little token of my appreciation for each of you: an Ecolution High Dome Roaster pan and a thermometer shaped like a turkey. It even gobbles when the meat is cooked! Isn’t that cute?

Now you can each make a turkey so I can decide where I’m going this Thanksgiving. I mean, I love you guys, but we’re talking about Thanksgiving here. If you want a shot at a premier time slot like that, you need to show me you’re not just coasting.

Just use this nonstick carbon steel pan with a removable rack to make a turkey up to, oh, about 20, 24 pounds. I’ll give them both a taste. Whoever makes the best audition turkey, that’s whose house I’ll be eating at on the big day.

Dazzle me. Make this the turkey of your lives. Don’t hold anything back for the real Thanksgiving turkey, because if you don’t win this one, there won’t be a real Thanksgiving turkey. Not that I’ll be eating, anyway. And even the best Thanksgiving turkey tastes awfully bitter when you’re eating it without your favorite grandson.

The winner will receive not only my presence on Thanksgiving. I also agree to bring any two of the following side dishes: sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, roasted brussels sprouts, or pumpkin pie. You’ll provide beverages and the remaining sides, of course. Don’t be stingy with the stuffing.

Now, now, Grandma Connie, don’t cry. It’s nothing personal. Let the competition spur you to raise your game. It’ll be good for you. Yes, Grandma Ruth, I guess I could spend part of the day at each house. But you guys live, like, twenty minutes apart. I don’t want to sit in a car all day on Thanksgiving. Besides, I plan to get pretty wasted. You don’t want me hurting myself in a drunk-driving accident, do you? On Thanksgiving?

OK, I think that about covers it. I’ll expect your audition turkeys by this time tomorrow, and that deadline is firm, so don’t even ask for an exten- uh, Grandma Ruth? Where are you going? Grandma Connie, wait! I haven’t finished giving all the instructions for the roast-off! You guys! Come back! You forgot your Ecolution High Dome Roaster! I can’t use it! I don’t know how to cook a turkey!