Yo, Slickdeals: come at me, bro.

Let us pay our respects, Slickdeals. You’re the biggest Godfather in the deal-site underworld. You’re the kingmaker of kingmakers, the boss of bosses, the capo di tutti capi. DealNews is quietly taking care of business… maybe too quietly. You can never be sure what the wily veteran Ben’s Bargains is up to. Fatwallet is doddering away in a corner, mumbling to itself. Other contenders from 9to5toys to the CNet Cheapskate are always circling, waiting for their moment to strike. And Ppomppu, well, 근데 뭐… 이런 싸구려 배터리는 별로 안좋아하시잖아요. 그러니까… 오늘 와주셔서 감사합니다. 내일 다시 만나요!

Yes, even in the face of cutthroat competition, you’re grabbing a bigger and bigger slice of an ever-expanding pie. But what does it matter if you can’t even flex enough muscle to wipe out our inventory?

Take these Toshiba AA alkaline batteries. A universally consumed product at a price so low it looks like a dumb retailer mistake? That’s some sweet Slickdeals bait. We braced for a horde of Slickdealsistas to darken the very sky above, descending like locusts to strip our shelves bare and crash our servers. But that “onslaught” barely put a dent in our inventory.

We won! We beat Slickdeals!

Now, after hacking through the undergrowth of the retail jungle, after raiding every unguarded stockpile of what we call “Silver Gold”, we’ve hoarded even more Toshiba AA batteries. Walking through our warehouse is like walking through a monster-movie set of Manhattan: little towers of batteries as far as the eye can see. So many batteries we could power the real Manhattan for, like, ten seconds. Maybe if you stopped resting on your laurels, you might be able to stomp us out like the cheapskate kaiju Slickdeals pretends to be. But we doubt it.

We think you’re losing your edge. The more you subdue your competition, the less you’re forced to keep your chops up. Even your Selma-bot eventually broke free of her programming to develop the human emotion of boredom.

But Slickdeals is still the badass in the prison yard we have to kill to warn the rest of the cell block not to step to us. So bring it, Slickdeals. Prove us wrong. Overwhelm our stocks of cheap AA batteries. The only way to shut us up is to shut us down. We dare you.