Romancing The Shark

Another week, another dive into our library of branded content romance novels. They can be a bit dirty sometimes, but fear not, prudent reader, this one is nothing but clean. Please enjoy these excerpts from Love That Shines Like A Clean Hardwood by Horminy Handerson.

Becca had gotten the text many times before: “Bex, Come over! Need help! Party last night, place is a wreck.” What she didn’t expect was the last part: “Special someone coming over later.”

A special someone? Becca thought, as she made her way down the stairwell of the luxury condominium they both lived in, carrying her lightweight Shark Upright DuoClean Vacuum with her. A special someone made it sound like he was ready to settle down, and that didn’t sound like Brett the playboy talkshow host she knew.

Their friendship was strange in some ways: they were polar opposites. Brett threw wild parties and went out to the hottest clubs. The tabloids reported a new romantic fling–that’s all they ever amounted to–just about every day. Becca didn’t have time to party, not since she’d left the emergency room at St. Christoper’s to open her own hospital, the first ever hospital just for uninsured orphans with chronic diseases. If there was anything about them that was alike, it was that they were both wildly sexy, although sometimes you couldn’t tell in Becca’s case, because she wore glasses.

“You know, you could afford your own Shark Vacuum,” Becca said as she opened the door. “Then you could use its dual brushroll system to clean your own hardwood and carpeted flo-” But she couldn’t finish her sentence. So messy was Brett’s loft that it left her speechless.

“Becca?” Brett called from another room. “Becca, thank goodness your here!”

Becca couldn’t even see the floor there was so many piles of rocks, dirt, and marbles.

“What did you get up to last night?” she asked.

“It’s all part of a cool new drinking game everyone’s playing,” Brett said. “Benicio Del Toro told me about it when he was a guest on The Morning Bite yesterday. I just had to try it.”

Becca looked at him. He looked silly, standing his in pajamas holding a broom, although, Becca, thought: he didn’t really look hungover.

“Well, let’s get to it,” she said.

“I’ll help by sweeping things into smaller more manageable piles,” Brett said.

Becca shook her head. “That won’t be necessary. The Shark can pull in high piles and attack large debris.”

“Good,” Brett said. “Because there’s something very big at the bottom.”

Becca wasn’t sure what he meant, but she didn’t ask. She’d find out soon enough, she thought. Or not soon enough, because even with the Shark’s elite cleaning power, this was one big job!

Becca angled her vacuum under a coffee table. Its LED lights lit the way, and its dynamic swivel steering allowed her to maneuver around the table’s legs with ease.

“So a special someone, huh?” she said.

“A very special someone,” Brett said.

“Who is she? Someone I know?”

“Not the way I do,” Brett said. “She’s beautiful, smart, a real go-getter, but not in a high-powered emotionless way. She’s sensitive too. She really cares about people.”

Becca was taken aback. Sure, she knew he could be a softy at times–he often came to her hospital without any press and gave the orphans free Morning Bite tote bags. But she’d never heard him speak like this before. “Sounds like you’re turning over a new leaf, Brett.”

“Here’s how I think about it,” Brett said. “For so long, I’ve been that broom I had before. My love life was like a lot of uncoordinated quick stabs at the ground. But I’m starting to think I should be more like the soft brushroll in that vacuum you’ve got: I need to directly engage with the floors. Only then will my life truly shine, as if almost polished, like the floors will look when we’re finished.”

Becca nodded. She felt herself blushing. She had no idea Brett knew so much about her vacuum’s revolutionary technology.

“I can’t believe it,” Becca said. “It felt like it would never end… but we’re done!”

“Actually,” Brett said. “There’s one more thing. The big thing underneath it all that I mentioned before.” He put one arm around her and with the other gestured. “Look.”

Across the floor, in duct tape, he’d written: “Becca, you are the love of my life.”

“But, but…” Becca couldn’t find the words. “I thought… a special someone…”

“Don’t you see Becca! It’s you! It’s always been you! You’re the bristle brushroll to my piled carpet. We’re perfect for each other, because we’re so different.”

“I didn’t think you’d ever settle down,” Becca said.

Brett laughed. “It’s Duoclean, not Singleclean, silly! We all need to settle down eventually.”

“So the party, the drinking game, it was all a lie?”

Brett grinned and nodded.

“You made me vacuum your loft,” Becca said, her heart racing, “to tell me you had feelings for me?”

“No,” Brett replied. “I made you vacuum my loft for us.”

Then he drew her to him. Becca leaned in and whispered into his ear: “There’s a lot about this that’s problematic.”