Secure Vault Safes
- Basic safes, or starter safes, or let’s just say it, cheap safes
- Protects your stuff from kids, petty crooks, and natural disasters, not Ocean’s Eleven-type professionals
- Portable, maybe too portable
There's never anything in the safe.
Every generation must learn this lesson anew. Geraldo Rivera taught us in the '80s. reddit taught us last year. After all the anticipation, the fevered hopes, the wild speculation, the safe is always empty.
These safes are empty, too, until you put something in them. Maybe it’ll be something of actual value, although unless you bolt it to the floor, a thief could just carry the whole safe off and crack it in private, possibly sharing the whole process with thousands of Internet voyeurs around the world. Still, that’s probably enough of a deterrent to tip the scale toward “not worth the hassle” for your typical B&E goon. Petty criminals are not generally known for their patience, diligence, or tolerance of delayed gratification.
Or maybe it’ll be something of no value, to throw the bad guys off the trail of your real treasures. While those dumb crooks are hauling this bulky honeypot out the window, your McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces and 1997 Entertainment Weekly Collector’s Edition Yearbook will nestle safely under your mattress.
Maybe it’ll be a gun, which we are not even going to joke about because we want to be utterly clear: guns should be locked up, especially if children are ever, EVER in your house.
But if you really want to be a hero, stock one of these safes with items of low monetary but high storytelling value. An obviously doctored passport. Newspaper clippings with random words underlined. A vial labeled BIOHAZARD - HIGHLY INFECTIOUS VIRUS. As long as it fires the imagination of those future redditors, the time and effort of cracking it open will be amply rewarded. And you’ll be hoaxing the Internet from beyond the grave. How rad is that?