Sexagintuple Frappuccino, Shmexagintuple Shmrappuccino.

Back in May, this guy Andrew Chifari was hailed as an Internet hero for using his Starbucks loyalty reward of a “free drink” to fill a 128-ounce glass with 60 shots of espresso and a confectionery’s worth of mix-ins. The Starbucks loyalty program picked up the $54.75 tab - a new record according to people who actually keep track of that kind of thing.

Not bad. Not bad. We appreciate the intent: slurp it to The Man! But then Andrew fumbled his shot at immortality by taking five days to drink the whole thing.

Andrew. Andrew! Just imagine how bad-ass it would’ve been if you’d toted that vase full of caffeine and sugar back to a stool in front of the window, casually flipped open the local free weekly, and guzzled all 128 ounces before you made it to the massage parlor ads. That would’ve been a feat nobody could top simply by bringing in a bigger glass.

Of course, that might have killed you. That’s why you need to train first. This Philips Saeco Giro Espresso Machine is as close as you’re going to get to the professional stuff in your house, especially at this price. Not only will it make exquisitely controlled, delicately balanced espresso - it will also stretch your digestive system, cup by cup, into grotesque shapes never intended by nature, enabling it to accept brutal punishment beyond the limits any internal organ should ever be subjected to.

That way lies legend.