Ron Popeil 5-in-1 Cooking System
- A deep fryer, steamer, steam baker, rice cooker, and boiler
- Includes roughly 150,000 accessories, as pictured, including a cartoonishly large hypodermic needle
- Will fry a turkey in 45 minutes – what a world we live in
- Can you think of an interesting/funny/compelling 6th use for this cooking system? Post it in the comments and we’ll send freebies to the ones we like
- Model: FS1735-M (good thing that hyphen separates the “M” from the rest of the string or it would be nearly impossible to parse /s)
The Best There Is At What It Does
As children, we all had hopes and dreams for the future. Some of us wanted to play professional basketball. Some of us wanted to become undersea explorers. Some of us wanted to, just once, carve a turkey leg with our adamantium claws.
Deep-frying a turkey is the The Ron Popeil 5-in-1 Cooking System’s flashiest feature, but (as its name implies) not its only one. In the months intervening now and turkey season you can cook up anything your healing-factor-regenerating heart can imagine from steamed clams to pot roast. We’ve sold plenty of these in the past – ask folks in the comments what culinary uses they’ve put theirs to, then slice up those comestibles with your adamantium claws in preparation.
Buying this versatile cooking system won’t get you all the way there. You still need the government to capture you, graft adamantium onto your skeleton, and install razor-sharp claws between your metacarpals, but it’s a start. As Henry Ford said, “Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” Stay focused and nothing can stop you.
The physical aspects of this goal are one thing, the emotional and spiritual another. No gruff turkey-slicin’ super soldier is complete without a dark, dimly remembered history. Your years in Japan will teach you much, including the delicate art of cooking perfect sushi rice — a skill that will come back to you in a painful flash as you first make use of the rice cooker.
You may be too advanced in years to achieve your childhood ambitions of becoming a Major League pitcher or astronaut, but some dreams, like dismembering a turkey with one satisfying swoop of your claws, are still within reach. And hey, if you never end up getting there, you can always sucker-punch that pretty boy Scott in the gut.
Can you think of a 6th use for this cooking system that might tickle our fancy or otherwise provide amusement? Post it in the comments. We’ve got some extras lying around we’ll send to Mehpeople of especial wit.
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