The 29 Gripes of Christmas

Despite its popular representation in media and commerce, the holiday season is not all sunshine, frankincense, and roses. In fact, we’ve got a few gripes with it – 29 to be exact. Follow along all Mehrathon long as we reveal 'em all.

For the thirteenth Gripe Of Christmas, Meh’s Scrooge-self groused to me: Is he really a ‘drummer’ if the boy can only play one beat – ‘Pa Rum Pa Pum Pum Pum’? Our Casio keyboard from 1987 has more beats than that, including but not limited to Bossa Nova, Slow Rock, and Disco.
1: People who call it Frankincense instead of Frankincense’s Monster.
2: The office Christmas potluck is two Costco flans that never got refrigerated, and nuts.
3: ‘When you two gonna get hitched?’ ‘No kids yet?’ ‘Still out of work?’ And other infuriating aunt questions.
4: Bloomingdale’s does not have a Burberry counter what in the actual hell.
5: The unbearable, shooting pain in your chest when you hear a sweet melody wafting up from Whoville and your heart grows three sizes.
6: Having to explain to your kids that Santa is at high risk for mesothelioma from all the chimney asbestos.
7: Gingerbread houses are delicious-looking but inedible, like Tide Pods. [Editor’s note: We expect this to be our final Tide Pod joke of 2018, and possibly of all time. Farewell, sweet Tide Pods. Yours was a most fertile comedic soil.]
8: In Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, if Belle still has young children the year that Marley dies then she can’t be much past her mid 40s, right? Scrooge isn’t TOO much older than her, so how can he be such an old man only seven years later? Also, why don’t we get invited to more parties?
9: Bows large enough to put on a car are so pricey these days.
10: The annual tradition of being reminded of ‘The Decline of The American Mall’ in a magazine think-piece.
11: Everyone thinking they’re the first ones to ever point out that ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is a creepy song.
12: All those predictable Hallmark Hanukkah movies.