Breathe Easy

Hi, it’s me, your good friend, bacon. You know, the cured meat.

I’ve been brought in today to pitch you on buying an air purifier. And to do that, I’m going to discuss one of my favorite topics: bacon.

Is that a bit self-absorbed? Sure. But that shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. After all, everyone knows I’m a bit of a diva. What happens when you add bacon to something you’re cooking? It becomes a bacon dish. Nobody tastes anything but me. Chicken bacon chowder? Nah, friend: that’s a creamy bacon soup with some other protein thrown in to round things out. A bacon cheeseburger? Can you even taste the beef?

And can you really blame me for being so domineering? I mean, I really had a moment there. A bunch of weirdos on the internet made me their whole personality for, like, a decade. And it hasn’t exactly stopped either. Why, there are some people out there who want to give your friend bacon credit for writing Shakespeare’s plays! Although, I might be misunderstanding that argument. I only have so many hours in a day to read articles about myself, which means I have to skim a lot.

But look, I’m not going to pretend I’m flawless. There comes a time when my strength of personality can be a bit much. Specifically, when you come home from work on a cold winter night, and you smell the stale ghost-odor of the bacon you fried last Sunday.

And yet, I won’t apologize. Never. Because this isn’t my fault. What that experience should tell you is this: the air in your house, especially during the months when everything’s sealed up to keep out the bitter cold or oppressive heat, is gross as hell.

Hence why should buy an air purifier. Like one of these.

Which one, you ask? Depends on how big your house is and how serious you are about air purification. They all provide 5-stage HEPA filtration that’ll capture 99.97 percent of air pollutants, so that’s good. We’re talking dust, dander, mold, smoke, smells, all that stuff. The 8-liter option will obviously serve a slightly smaller room than the others. As for the 10-liter models, they each have an air quality meter and auto mode. The Pro can handle up to 1000 square feet. The Plus can deal with spaces up to 1500 square feet. Which is a lot.

Will it totally erase the stink of old bacon? Maybe. Maybe not. But it’ll make breathing nicer. And that’s pretty cool.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get down to the donut shop. All those maple long-johns aren’t going to add a crispy salty element to themselves!