Ten and One

10 reasons you should get this stick vacuum:

1. It is a good deal.
2. It is a good vacuum.
3. It has a high-efficiency filtration system, so you don’t kick up a lot of nasty dirt while you’re vacuuming a lot of nasty dirt.
4. You get a bunch of accessories, so you can use it to clean the floor, between the couch cushions, your car seats, the ceiling, whatever.
5. When it comes time to clean, you can take it out and say, “It’s a stick-up; give me all your dirt.” Or “It’s time to stick it… to unclean floors.”
6. It looks a little like a Super Soaker, so every time you use it you can enjoy a jolt of nostalgia for those sepia-toned summer days of your youth spent at the town pool, when “mortgage” was just a strange word your parents used from time to time, and the only thing that mattered was toweling off in time to make it to the snack bar for a bomb pop before they closed up shop.
7. JASHEN sounds like Jason, which gives you great naming options. You could call your vacuum JASHEN Kapono, for example. Or JASHEN Mantzoukas. Or JASHEN Voorhees, even! Shark or Dyson just don’t even come close in terms of cheeky names.
8. It works on carpet or hardwood.
9. It is good for cleaning up pet hair.
10. A reason we had to redact, not due to any untruthfulness but because it’s so juicy and appealing, we worried people might get too excited just reading it.

1 reason you shouldn’t buy this stick vacuum:

1. You bought one last time we sold them.

(And, honestly, this is barely even a reason. Vacuums are like potato chips: the more you have, the more you want.)