Make Better Waffles

Do you need a waffle maker?

Now, the you here does not refer to you, the person reading this copy; it refers instead to the universal you. And the waffle maker does not refer to the waffle maker we have on offer today or any other specific machine but rather the waffle machine as a concept.

What we’re really asking is: does anyone need a waffle maker ever?

To answer this question, we offer a theory we call The Spectrum of Culinary Forgive-ability. Basically, we posit that every food lands somewhere along a line between very unforgiving and very forgiving. Unforgiving foods fail to satisfy cravings if poorly or cheaply prepared whereas forgiving foods do.

Take, for example, salmon or steak. Very unforgiving. You don’t just crave salmon; you crave a perfectly seasoned salmon filet with crispy skin that’s flaky and moist. A dry, rubbery-skinned piece of fish will do nothing to alleviate said craving. If anything, it’ll only make it stronger. Same with steak. Under-cooked, over-cooked, under-seasoned, un-rested, improperly sliced: there are any number of errors that will leave you wishing you’d eaten literally anything else, despite your initial desire for beef.

In the middle of the spectrum, there are burgers, fried chicken, and a number of stews, soups, and chowders. These can be made poorly, or really well, but their most mediocre variants offer at least some redeeming qualities.

Finally, there are those things on the far end of the spectrum: the most forgiving of foods. Here you find donuts, Mac & cheese, and, we’d venture to say, waffles. In these instances, even the lowest form of the food in question will adequately engage your taste receptors and leave you sated. The gas station donut will be sweet and yeasty. The boxed Mac will be creamy and cheesy. And the frozen waffle tossed in a toaster and topped with generic-brand syrup will be sufficiently waffle-y.

So, this would seem to be a point against waffle makers.

HOWEVER!

In all of these cases, we’re talking in terms of satisfaction. But satisfaction is not joy. It’s not elation. It’s not happiness beamed directly from your taste buds to your brain. In other words, a frozen waffle might work in a pinch the way a frozen salmon TV dinner never could, but that doesn’t mean it’s a replacement for a real-ass waffle.

And this is what this thing makes: real-ass Belgian waffles. Okay, maybe not HUGE ones like you get a diner, but still, the good kind that are crispy and golden brown on the outside and fluffy in the middle. And it’s from Cuisinart, a brand so good that we don’t even need to link to the Amazon reviews where this thing gets a rating of 4.6 out of 5 based on nearly 10,000 reviews.

So get one, and stop settling for plain old satisfaction.