It is Monday.

Look, just don’t even worry about today’s deal for a minute. It doesn’t matter. Because we have a bone to pick.

And that bone is with literally everyone selling something on the internet today.

Cyber Monday.

Go look at your email inbox right now. Enjoy the shameless suck parade of desperate retailers trying to make their subject lines stand out in a sea of Johnny-Come-Lately cyber deals. We wrote this a week ago, but we’ll take a few guesses as to what’s unfolding today:

Hey, Woot. Look, we know better than anyone you’ve got your SMART goals and engagement KPIs to meet, and you’ve probably a-b tested the hell out of this subject line. We don’t begrudge you sending out that carefully engineered quirkiness to get those w/w bps up. We’re sorry you don’t get to just try something fun and wacky for the holidays without having to pore over the metrics for your pre-pre-WBR meeting. (Please correct us if they’ve updated your acronyms lately.)

What’s up, Apple. Full-price on everything yet still need to be included in the festivities, yeah? But you’ll fart on a gift card of nominal value and send it our way in the spirit of the season. Cool. Will come in handy when we need to buy whatever charger or keyboard or screen that your shit doesn’t come with anymore.

Hello again, independent tech product we bought 18 months ago. Thanks for pointing out that the 10 percent we saved back then by signing up for this relentless newsletter was a complete joke compared to how cheaply this stuff can actually be sold.

Cyber Monday indeed.

As a company out here slinging our very best online deals 365 days a year, this must be what it feels like when all the dedicated gym rats have to wait in line for equipment behind a wave of new year’s resolution wannabes for the first two weeks of January. Or the dedicated soup kitchen workers who are presently suffering through a holiday deluge of mostly-useless volunteers while gently pointing out that people are also hungry in, like…June.

So yeah. Go pound sand, retailers. You’ve merely adopted the deal. We were born in it. The shoppers betray you because they belong to Meh. Except not really because we know you make crazy bank with this bullshit every year.

Oh well.

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These sky lite things are dope, though. The price is good but definitively not significantly better than what we offered yesterday or what we’ll offer tomorrow. Happy Regular Monday, everyone.