More Than Time

Things this watch can do

• Tell time.
• Make telephone calls.
• Receive texts.
• Show alerts.
• Monitor heart rate, blood oxygen levels, and sleep patterns.
• Track fitness activities.
• Accurately register calories burned.
• Look nice.

Things this watch cannot do

• Make judgment calls.
• Make foul calls. (Though it’d do better than some of these refs, amirite?!)
• Compose the perfect text response that makes you seem funny but not annoying.
• Calculate the exact right time between text received and response, so you don’t leave the recipient hanging while also seeming like you’re not just another tech-addicted weirdo who’s always on their phone.
• Make you feel better when you grow wary of a work project.
• Politely correct you when you use ‘wary’ instead of ‘weary’ by accident.
• Accurately register bridges burned.
• Make a nice roux.
• Monitor your blood alcohol level.
• Provide explanations for your dreams.
• Track your rate of resting heartbreak.
• Track down the notorious Glebb Gang before they stick up another chicken farm. If them boys keep this up, there ain’t gonna be an egg in all the county by end of March!
• Host a nice little get-together.
• Do the running for you.
• Scoop litter boxes.
• Turn back time.
• Find a way.
• Take back those words that have hurt you.
• Help you with your screenplay about the detective who’s a werewolf investigating a spate of murders involving day traders in New York. Like, is it too obvious that he’s the killer all along? Also, is the title The Wolf of Wall Street taken? It sounds sort of familiar…
• Sternly dismiss your doubts.