Altec Lansing Porta Bluetooth Pocket Speaker

  • Hey uh look its a quality indoor/outdoor bluetooth speaker from a brand we all know
  • Uh they have IPX5 waterproof
  • And uh they have 6 hours battery life and a 33 foot range
  • Model: IMW279, a reference to their tie-in with Call of Duty: Infinite Modern Warfare 279 in 30 years
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The Treasure of the Ancient Altecs

“What is it, Doctor?”

Michigan Mitchell pushed past the rest of the adventuring party to find Dr. Sullivan rubbing his hand over the dusty stone wall. The light of his lantern barely illuminated the worn-out indentations, but the doctor recognized them nonetheless, if only by what he could feel out. “Based on these pictographs,” he murmured, “This is a burial chamber made by the ancient Altecs of Lansing, Michigan…”

“The ancient Altecs?” asked Mitchell with equal parts fascination and incredulity.

“Of Lansing, Michigan,” the doctor confirmed.

Mitchell shook his head with a chuckle of disbelief. “Nobody could ever prove their civilization existed.”

“Until now,” replied Professor Badmann in a cordial yet somehow menacing tone.

Dr. Sullivan continued feeling the inscriptions until a particularly loose stone shifted. The entire chamber began to shake as objects suddenly sprung from the ceiling suspended by ropes.

“What’s going on? What’s happening?” stammered one of the archaeologists.

“It seems to be some sort of booby trap,” condescended the professor.

The small objects rattled against each other as they swung and began to emit a deafening noise.

“My ears!” cried an assistant.

“Those drums… no, no no. This isn’t a booby trap. It’s a Bobby trap! It’s the Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man!” yelled the doctor in recognition.

Michigan Mitchell cursed under his breath, guiding members of the expedition toward the nearest exit. “The crafty, dead sonsabitches weaponized Seger?! Everybody out, before the whole place caves in!”

“Quite remarkable, these speakers,” Professor Badmann said to himself under his breath and the sounds of Seger. “So well preserved, despite the damp environment…”

As the others fled, Mitchell caught a glimpse of Professor Badmann pocketing something. Realizing he’d been seen, the professor muttered to Mitchell just loud enough to be heard over the cacophony, “We can’t leave here empty-handed, now, can we?”

Badmann pushed past Mitchell with a smirk, followed shortly by Dr. Sullivan. The ceiling began to crack, and water dripped at an increasing pace as the speakers continued to shake the structure.

Before exiting, the doctor confided in Mitchell, “We know where we are. We’ll come back, do a proper excavation. I believe the Altecs of Lansing still have much to teach us.”

The two made their egress as the walls collapsed behind them.

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