A Few Pounds Of Melted Candy Corn And A Knife

  • You get several bags of Brachs candy corn and a knife to break them apart if they fuse into a blob in transit
  • On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t use the knife to do that – probably a bad idea
  • On third thought, life is short and if you’re going to lose a finger you might as well have a funny story to go with it
  • On fourth thought, “lose a finger” is making us realize this is a definitely a bad idea
  • It’s this Schrade Partially Serrated Knife, BTW
  • If you just want melted candy corn, you can get seven pounds of it without the knife over here
  • No refunds for melted candy corn, or non-melted candy corn, or cut-off fingers, or non-cut-off fingers, or assumptions we weren’t actually selling what we said we were selling
  • Model: CCBAKTCIUWW (Candy Corn Blob And Knife To Cut It Up With)
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Warning: This Is Stupid

Some folks who ordered this candy corn the last time we sold it received instead a homogeneous, melted candy blob. Sorry about that. We swear it wasn’t in brick form when we sent it, but that’s the risk of shipping candy in the record-breaking summer heat, we suppose. This time we’re including a knife to help you break it into its original kernels, or whatever candy shape your imagination can conjure*.

*This is not a recommended use of this knife. Meh does not condone the use of this knife as a confectionery un-blobbing instrument. Meh is not responsible, accountable liable, blamable, or guilt-trippable in the account of knife misuse, whether in the pursuit of re-kerneling candy corn or otherwise. Failure to observe safe cutting practices can place the wielder and any nearby parties at risk of serious injury, death, or embarrassment. Responding to a spouse or domestic partner who yells, “Honey, the candy corn from Meh showed up but it’s all melted into one chunk. It came with a knife, though, maybe I’ll use that to cut it up, what do you think?” in the affirmative places you in a sticky legal position (no pun intended) that should be avoided. Instead, Meh and its affiliate properties suggests yelling, “No!” or “What? I can’t hear you! Put the knife in a safe, lock the safe, and come down here and tell me!” or similar. Nailing the block of candy corn (hereafter: BCC) to the wall and using it as a target for knife-throwing practice is also a pretty bad idea, as is kneading the knife inside the BCC and putting it in a bowl for Halloween party guests. Molding the BCC around your hand as a sort of armor with which to play the “knife game” is right out. Stabbing the knife into the BCC as would a frontiersman into a stump, while not the worst idea yet listed, should also be avoided. Meh takes no responsibility for damage sustained while whittling the BCC into one “extra large” candy corn kernel, physical, mental, or spiritual; nor assumes the risk inherent in serving the BCC on a nice wooden cutting board with the knife nearby, as one would with a cheese, charcuterie, or mixed cheese-and-charcuterie spread. Side effects of ordering this stupid bundle include regret, depression, suicidal thoughts, and loose stool. Consult your doctor before eating the BCC. Consult your dentist before gnawing at it like a gerbil. Consult your chiropractor before placing it in a bag, heating it up in the microwave, and using it as a heating pad to ameliorate lumbar pain. Failure to comply with these instructions, explicit or implicit, or general failure to not be an idiot, could result in a boo-boo.

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