We've Never Bean This Skeptical Before

Ah yes! Something with appeal based on questionable science! You know what that means? it’s time for the long-awaited return of one of our favorite write-up segments:

THE SKEPTIC’S CHOICE!

Basically, what we do here is lay out a product’s claims. Then we discuss why we find those claims a bit dubious. And finally, we wrap up with a noncommittal conclusion that makes us feel morally righteous while continuing to sell the stuff in question anyway. So, here goes:

The Claim

No, Lean Joe Bean is not a sunglasses-wearing pinto bean designed to market cigarettes to children. It’s a brand of instant “weight loss coffee” that “contains a patented, proprietary blend of Super CitriMax and ChromeMate” which will help you slim down and curb your appetite.

The Skepticism

What is it about the concept of “weight loss coffee” that has us a bit skeptical?

How about literally fucking everything.

Just head over to the Amazon page, scroll down to the product description, and you will be treated to a poo-poo platter of YIKES. First off, there’s the insistence on this stuff being Keto/Paleo/diet friendly. Which, it better be, because you know what is diet-friendly? Normal coffee! Then there’s the quote from a trainer who worked on The Biggest Loser, a show with a well-documented history of problematic messaging and prioritizing extreme weight loss over building lasting healthy habits.

But, of course, the real question is: what is this stuff? Like, what takes it from being just instant coffee to instant weight loss coffee?

That would be the Super Citrimax, an ingredient made from “garcinia cambogia” extract–some sort of fruit that looks like a tropical pumpkin–and also hydroxycitric acid, chromium polynicotinate, gymnema sylvestre, potassium, and calcium. So something, something, something, bananas, and milk. Got it. It was developed by the totally cool and absolutely trustworthy sounding company InterHealth Nutraceuticals.

But what does any of that mean? We don’t know. Because in the age of SEO content farms, it’s impossible to find any reliable information on this sort of stuff. Take, for example, this review from dietspotlight. Concluding the subheading “Fat Burning Abilities,” it says:

Weight loss pills such as Citrimax or Citrimax Plus are for those who seek shortcuts. Beware of fraudsters, and conduct proper research before you buy any rapid weight loss drugs.

Yeah, no shit! If only there was a website out there that could spotlight research related to diets and diet products! (To be fair, they express some of the skepticism we do, but also seem to be in the pocket of some product called “Noom,” so take what they say with a grain of salt, and then dutifully log that grain of salt in your food diary.)

In other words, clear answers are hard to come by here. To perfectly illustrate this, look at the two answers to this question on Amazon:

And yet, this stuff has an average rating of over 4 stars on a not-at-all-paltry 265 reviews. Many echo the thoughts expressed in this one from Hollie S:

I wasn’t sure what to expect from Lean Joe Bean instant coffee, but I was pleasantly surprised. I did notice that it did curb my hunger after drinking it in the morning at work. I didn’t feel hungry for about 6 hours each time I drank one cup in the morning.

So maybe we’re just way off base.

The Conclusion

It’s natural to side-eye the claims here. Anything that comes in a packet, dissolves in hot water, and says that it will entirely alter the way you live your life is peddling, on some level, in sensationalism. And yet, if you’ve been looking for something like this to try, the reviews confirm that you could likely do a lot worse.

Oh, and it tastes pretty good apparently. We forgot to mention that, didn’t we?