Ports Aplenty

Thanks for coming by! When you emailed asking about the open room in our industrial living space, I got the best vibe. It was like, ‘Whoa, I cannot wait to meet them!’ And hopefully, you feel a similar connection once we’ve done the walkthrough and meet-and-greet.

Seriously, what this place lacks in ventilation, it more than makes up for with a sense of community. And if you’re worried that it might be a bit cramped living with six other people, don’t be. The place feels way bigger, mostly because none of the rooms have walls!

Anyway, let’s get started. I’m Kelsi, and I’m an apprentice bike mechanic. Over here, this is Gregory. He works as a dog doula.

Carl sleeps over there. He’s not in right now, because he’s working. He started his own non-profit to raise awareness about people with octophobia. And no, before you ask, that’s not only a fear of octopi, but of anything related to the number eight. Spiders, octuplets, all of it. It’s his life’s passion because he actually suffers from it himself. He’s got big plans, but it’s tough. He struggles with fundraising, and most of the money he gets goes towards legal help for those who get tickets for running stop signs. Octophobiacs see those eight sides, and they’re so scared they just gun it straight through!

This is Tina. She does primitive UX design, which means she makes beautiful recreations of corporate sites and app interfaces without any modern tools. Right now, she’s using a sharp rock to carve the HBO Max landing screen into a piece of bark. Isn’t it amazing? It’s a brilliant commentary on… umm…

Hey, look, it’s Caleb! He’s a musician. Do you know the band Geese? Well, Caleb’s stuff sounds a lot like that. But if you replaced all the instruments with bongos. Digital bongos. Which can be turned up way louder than normal bongos, isn’t that right, Caleb? Also, there’s no singing. And they’re more like soundscapes than songs.

And then there’s Christina. She’s another dog doula.

Huh, you’re unfamiliar with the practice? Well, so, you know doulas? Yeah, it’s like that, but for dogs.

So, if you choose to live here, I will let you know, in addition to rent and your share of utilities, you’ll be expected to contribute one meal a week. Also, we ask that you serve that meal within the 7 o’clock hour, otherwise it’ll get too late. Did I mention that we skip both 8 o’clocks here? For Carl.

So, what do you say?

You have some concerns? Really? Well, if one of them is where you’ll charge your phone, fear not! We just got a two-pack of Verbatim 30W 4-Port USB Wall Chargers. Each one has three USB-A ports and one USB-C. So there’s room for everyone, and even a port left over. Which means we can add another housemate if we want to! Although Carl might not appreciate that.

Oh, that wasn’t among your concerns? Then what were they?

Wow, hold on. Please slow down. You’re saying a lot of stuff really fast, and it’s honestly bringing on a migraine for me.