Cleaning House: a Meh-rathon

ROY
What the hell is going on here?

HAL
Roy, meet Power-Roy. He’s you but, well, better.

POWER-ROY approaches ROY slowly, his face an impenetrable scowl. His eyes glow red just like the men from the bar.

HAL
After all, we treated you extensively after each mission, didn’t we? You thought we wouldn’t collect a little DNA? You thought we’d let you retire early if we didn’t have your replacement? And what better replacement for Roy Dillington, the only allll purpose cleaner in Cleaning Service history, than another Roy Dillington, only with certain… upgrades.

ROY
You’re sick, you know that.

HAL
I want what you want, Roy: for the Cleaning Service to succeed. And we will, with Power-Roy. He has your mind, your drive, but better endurance, better strength. A titanium skeleton. A set of hydraulic arms and legs for higher jumps, faster strides… and stronger kicks and punches.

HAL takes out a cigar from his suit jacket and lights it.

HAL
Maybe it’s a bit premature to light the victory cigar, but I can’t see how this could fail.
(he takes a puff, then yells)
Power-Roy! GO!

While wiping the work laptop of Calvert Harrison, a project manager who recently left his position at the company for a comparable role with a rival, our IT department discovered a Microsoft Word file titled ‘CLEANING_HOUSE_SCREENPLAY_FOR_JS’ as well as several Notepad documents containing phone numbers and email addresses for people with a tertiary connection to Jason Statham. The screenplay was, by all indications, written on company time and therefore, per Calvert’s contract, belongs to us. So, please enjoy these excerpts and stick around all day for great deals on spring cleaning gear and stuff for getting outside. (And Mr. Statham, if you’re reading, this is available!)