2-Pack: Secur Emergency Flashlight Multitool with Powerbank

  • They can provide light in low, high, or SOS modes
  • They can turn your cigarette lighter into a USB charger
  • They can work as an emergency power bank
  • They can break windows and cut seatbelts
  • They can make the perfect poached egg
  • Okay, not that last one, but you almost believed us, right?
  • Choose your color wisely
  • Model: SP-4007A, because they are Super Practical, at least until the year 4007 (in universe A)
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Look At This Overachiever

What’s funny is, these things bill themselves first as flashlights. But really they’re more like all-around-bunches-o-random-helpful-shit.

The flashlight–which features settings for high, low, and SOS–is just one of the things that might help you out when you’re in a bind. You can also plug one into the cigarette lighter of your car, for easy on-the-go charging, and it can then be used as an emergency power bank if your phone’s low on juice when you’re away from an outlet. And then, on a more serious note, it can be used in an emergency to cut your seatbelt and break your car window.

Again, they’re very useful, and calling them a flashlight doesn’t really do justice to their overall level of utility. In fact, just sitting here thinking about how useful they are, we managed to come up with three additional functions:

1. Cigar Trainer - Some people smoke cigars regularly, so they don’t need to worry about looking cool while they do it because they know all the moves. But if you’re someone who smokes a stogie only on occasion, you risk looking like a real dweeb when you take an unpracticed puff. That’s why we recommend using one of these as a training cigar. Much like baseball players use weighted bats to improve their swing, the flashlight will make an actual cigar feel light and easily maneuverable.

2. Emergency Drum Sticks - Whoa, is that a drum set? In the garage of Chad Grangerman? Whose house party you are currently attending? And who just said in front of the cool kids that you can’t play the extended solo from In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida? And also he’s withholding his drumsticks? So if you’re going to prove your percussive talents, you’ll need to supply your own? Well, use this two-pack of flashlights in a pinch!

3. Darts For Strong Men With A Very Thick Soft Dart Board - It’d be hard to stick them into a normal dart board if you have basic human strength, but if you’re super muscular and have a very thick soft board… maybe?

Okay, never mind, maybe just use them for all the light/power/emergency stuff and ignore our suggestions.

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