All Game, No Flame

As someone who works in the curse industry, let me tell you, these LED candles are an absolute must. Not only do they provide the right ambiance while I’m saying the incantation or letting the spirit speak through me; they also help with my bottom line.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: how much could traditional candles possibly cost? And the answer is quite simple, actually: it’s not the candles that cost a ton; it’s everything else.

When the curse casters/lifters of yesteryear wanted goat’s blood, they went to a goat farmer and got a bucketful for a polite “hello” and a promise of a curse-related favor to be performed in the future. These days, there’s a whole goat’s blood industry. There are regulations. There’s quality control. All that stuff costs money for the blood dealers, and they pass those non-savings onto me.

And don’t get me started on ‘eye of newt.’ You ever tried to wrangle a friggin’ newt? It’s like playing catch with an oil-soaked piece of spaghetti. And that’s if you know where to find a good stash of newts in the first place. Like, could we please get just one curse updated? One ‘eye of pigeon’ or ‘eye of rat’ or ‘eye of Eurasian carp’?

Not that any of my clients would go for one of these cheaper options. No way, that’s the other thing you have to factor in: the people. They want everything perfect. Some of them even want cruelty-free curses. We’re talking goat’s blood taken by IV. Cataract or otherwise ocularly-non-functional eye of newt, surgically removed by board-certified veterinarians. Which I deliver, of course. Because I care about my Yelp rating. But then, half the time, I hand over the bill, and it’s all, “Oh, that’s more than I expected to pay!”

So if I can cut one corner, it helps. And that’s what these LED candles are: one corner. I take them out. I turn them on. I get a few oohs and ahhs when I initiate the red laser night sky feature. Then, when I’m all done, there’s no wick or hot wax to contend with. I just turn them off, pack them up, take 'em home, and recharge them so they’re ready for the next job.

Now, of course, you don’t have to use these to start your own curse business. You can just have them around the house. And honestly, that sounds a lot nicer. I wish I could set mine up while I take a hot bath and listen to a podcast. But alas, I’m too busy. Like right now, for example, I gotta run. There’s a guy who wants to curse his brother so he always has garlic breath due to some issue of an uneven inheritance. But the guy’s a vegan, so he wants me to get Impossible Bird Entrails.

Just ridiculous.