Cleaning House: a Meh-rathon

INT. CLEANING SERVICE HEADQUARTERS - DAY

MACE, a young, quant-looking type, walks into HAL’s office.

MACE
You wanted to see me, sir?

HAL
(turning over papers on his desk)
Yes. I see you lost three men in the field this morning? And a very pricey piece of explosive equipment?

MACE
Yes, sir. I can explain. I believe you put me in charge of spring cleaning this year because you wanted to see bigger results. For this reason, unlike my predecessors, I did not target former agents who were old and feeble, allowing the Cleaning Service to save by not paying the final few years of their pensions. Instead, I’ve taken a more radical approach, identifying former agents who are at least ten years out of action and thus out of practice enough to be easy marks. This way, we don’t put our people at risk while cutting back our expenses considerably. Or, at least, that’s how it’s supposed to work, and frankly, how it has worked until today.

While wiping the work laptop of Calvert Harrison, a project manager who recently left his position at the company for a comparable role with a rival, our IT department discovered a Microsoft Word file titled ‘CLEANING_HOUSE_SCREENPLAY_FOR_JS’ as well as several Notepad documents containing phone numbers and email addresses for people with a tertiary connection to Jason Statham. The screenplay was, by all indications, written on company time and therefore, per Calvert’s contract, belongs to us. So, please enjoy these excerpts and stick around all day for great deals on spring cleaning gear and stuff for getting outside. (And Mr. Statham, if you’re reading, this is available!)