Tooth Be Told

Welcome to the movie theater.

The primary service we provide is self-evident. We screen movies. But we really offer so much more.

We are weather erasers, if you think about it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a blistering three degrees and windy outside, or if it’s ninety-five with eighty percent humidity and a sun so bright it can blind. When you settle into one of our seats, you cease to think about the environment beyond. For an hour or two or three (if a filmmaker gets particularly ambitious [or sloppy]), you can escape into another land.

And you know what else you can escape? The endless need to create conversation out of thin air. Sit down next to a friend or loved one and feel the pressure to be interesting release. Making it even more amazing is the fact that the sensation does not immediately dissipate when the lights come up. No, you don’t wander out of the theater in silence, but nor do you need to think of something original to say. Instead, you can enjoy a debrief as easy as it is lively, as one or the other of you says, “What about that part when such-and-such happened?” Or “How good was such-and-such actor?”

But perhaps the most pleasing thing we offer is an excuse to engage in some culinary hedonism.

Yes, in some modern theaters, you will find a more restaurant-like gustatory experience, with salads and small plates and craft cocktails. But many maintain the traditional snack bar approach, providing an array of candies. Some of these candies are pure sugar. Others of them are pure sugar upon more pure sugar, such as Sno-Caps, which are little more than ordinary chocolate chips covered with additional sweet bits. Only in the airport do you give yourself permission to spend and consume the way you do within these walls.

But there is a cost beyond the exorbitant monetary exchange with the disinterested teenage staffer. For, as you watch battles unfold on the big screen, an even more dire war occurs in your mouth, as your teeth fight for their lives. Why, even popcorn, the most famous savory movie theater treat, not only overwhelms your tongue with salt but also deposits its shrapnel of husks between your canines and into your gums.

Luckily, the dental industry has developed a super weapon for the good guys (teeth, in this case): the sonic toothbrush. And now, you can get two that are similar to the $100 Laifen Wave Pro–with 3 levels of lateral movement, 3 vibration speeds, and an IPX7 waterproof rating–for $12 per.

So snack on as you watch, friends. But just remember: you can buy some of the delicacies we offer at the dollar store, but you can’t put a price on the experience of going to the movies.