Wild Pitch: When Athletes Sing

Of course you need earbuds to work out. Walk-up songs, highlight montages, “Chariots of Fire”, the very existence of the concept of “jock jams”: music and sports go together.

But musical ability and sports ability almost never go together. Garth Brooks may have been laughed out of spring training when he tried to make the New York Mets roster, but that still makes him the most successful famous-musician-turned-aspiring-athlete. And he did about as well as most athletes who try to go the other direction and launch a musical career.

Hey, Meh contributor @JasonToon here. Bear with me as we sample the varied results of what happens when athletes sing, or rap, or play instruments, also compiled in a YouTube playlist for continuous play - but like sports bloopers, this stuff is best enjoyed in small doses.

Shaquille O’Neal - “I’m Outstanding” (1993)
OK, Shaq, “outstanding” may be overstating it, but you don’t embarrass yourself on your hip-hop records. Your theories about the shape of the Earth, on the other hand…

England World Cup Squad - “This Time (We’ll Get It Right)” (1982)
Let’s say you need a song that can be sung together by a dozen or so guys of minimal-to-nonexistent musical ability. And the lyrics have to acknowledge the repeated failures of the past but beg the listener to keep believing in you. You’d wind up with this World Cup oddity, an uncomfortable plea for one more chance in the form of a jaunty pub singalong. They didn’t get it right: England crapped out once again in the 1982 World Cup.

Grinder - “Wouldn’t Want to Be You” (2002)
Between winning Stanley Cups, Detroit Red Wings goon Darren McCarty barked jock jams like this with his band, Grinder. He didn’t quit his day job.

Rich Allen & the Ebonistics - “Echoes of November” (1968)
Rich/Richie/Dick Allen was the archetypal “misunderstood” black superstar: a player of obvious enormous talent who was expected to shrug off racism from fans and management - and because he couldn’t, his every mood was interpreted as “difficult”. In the end, shuffled between teams and positions, underused and misused, Allen still compiled a fantastic career that fell just short of the Hall of Fame. Is it any wonder he’s reminiscing about simpler times in this wistful soul ballad?

Ten Foot Pole - “Never Look Back” (1994)
MLB pitcher Scott Radinsky, on the other hand, says “Never Look Back”. This SoCal skate-punk’s first musical venture was fronting the band Scared Straight, who released the immortally titled You Drink, You Drive, You Die album in 1988. They mellowed a little and became Ten Foot Pole, a solid melodic Epitaph Records/Warped Tour kind of punk band - but Radinsky had to leave the band because of the demands of his career as a Major League Baseball pitcher. All us '90s punk kids were rooting for him. He’s retired from playing baseball now, but still coaches for the LA Angels and sings for the band Pulley.

Allen Iverson - “My World”
I couldn’t snub the ultimate icon of NBA/hip-hop crossover, so here’s the least profanity-laden Iverson cut I could find (still way NSFW, of course). The artist also known as “Jewels” proves that, with a lot of hard work and hard living and money and connections, elite athletes can turn themselves into decent rappers.

Bernie Williams - “Just Because”
I can’t say I’m a fan of the antiseptic Latin arrangement, but longtime Yankees centerfielder Bernie Williams can actually play guitar.

Rod Stewart & Scottish World Cup Squad '78 - “Que Sera, Sera” (1978)
Unlike the perennially disappointing England team, nobody expected much of the Scottish, so they were just happy to be there. And they wisely recruited superstar superfan Rod Stewart to handle the lead on their 1978 send-off to Argentina.

Deion Sanders - “Must Be the Money”
Deion’s flow proves that there’s at least one thing money can’t buy.

Manny Pacquiao - “Sometimes When We Touch” (2015)
Sure, recording a cover of one of the lamest songs ever was probably a bad idea - but are YOU gonna tell Manny Pacquiao that?

Denny McLain - “Cute” (1968)
There were some amazing things going on musically in Detroit in 1968. This organ instrumental recorded by Tigers pitcher and future jailbird Denny McLain wasn’t one of them. But it swings better than American League hitters that year, which is how McLain won 31 games, a total nobody has bettered since.

Clint Dempsey - “Don’t Tread”
The US National Team star’s hip-hop venture didn’t quite turn soccer into the next ghetto phenomenon, but it was a valiant effort.

Ron Cey - “Third Base Bag” (1976)
Not sure why Ron Cey, a Tacoma, Washington native who played for the Los Angeles Dodgers, decided country was the way to go: his voice has less twang than Mitt Romney. But I sure am glad he did, because otherwise we wouldn’t have this, uh, gem to enjoy.

Chicago Bears Shufflin’ Crew - “Super Bowl Shuffle” (1986)
I saved this one for last, because for most of my peers, it was our first introduction to athletes singing (or… something), and because the full version is seven minutes long.

If you don’t have seven minutes, here is the essence of the video - and this playlist - distilled to a GIF:

Well, so what if most of these guys aren’t exactly musical champions? If I was young, had more money than I knew what to do with, and was surrounded by admirers, damn right I’d cut a record and make everybody pretend they liked it. Until next weekend - when I promise the music will be good - keep chasing those musical dreams, sports millionaires!

The thrill of victory, the agony of past weekend playlists:

• Half-Hour Energy: An Action Video Soundtrack
• Drinking Songs. Just Drinking Songs.
• Catwalk Rock: A Fashion Playlist
• My Favorite Songs That Suck
• Weekend playlist archive