2-for-Tuesday: Ion Audio LED Smart Badge
- The bright LED screen is visible across rooms, so everyone at the party will be able to tell you’re “that asshole”
- Can store up to 8 pre-programmed messages
- Battery lasts 12 hours. We suggest wearing at night, charging during the day to keep from embarrassing yourself.
- Clock mode, because in 2018, it’s hard to find out what time it is
- Model: IUL8, like “illuminate” through one of those novelty oral specula
The Dumbest Smartest Badge
Do you think that we’ve gotten lame in our old age? That we don’t sell enough of the goofy, useless bullshit that made us famous in the first place? Well, this one’s for you!
What we’ve got here is a 2-pack of ION Smart Badges. You program them with names or messages, and they’ll scroll across the bright LED readout. From there, you can attach them to whatever you want via magnet or safety pin. Pretty simple, right? But moreover, pretty stupid! Just the way you like it!
With that being said, as a responsible company, we’d be remiss not to mention that there are many practical uses for these things. Here are just a few:
-
Get a bunch of them to use as place cards for your Tron-themed wedding!
-
Play an exactly-the-same but more complicated tech-heavy version of that game where everyone has a celebrity’s name taped to their head and they have to guess who they are!
-
Use them as post-its to impress your boss!
-
Wear one as a name tag to the coffee shop so that when you offer unsolicited computer advice to other patrons they’ll know who to thank!
-
Program one to say “FART” and then wear it into school to all but guarantee you get the superlative of “Class Clown” in your yearbook!
-
Label each houseplant in your apartment with them, then call your crush and ask if he or she would like to take a stroll through “the digi-forest of tomorrow”!
-
Program them to say “THANKS” so you can leave them at restaurants in lieu of tips!
-
Make one say “BEST” and the other say “FRIENDS” and then give them to two people who are friends but maybe didn’t realize they were best friends yet!
-
Keep the smalltalk going with your dentist, even after the novocain goes in!
-
Help people tell you and your twin apart without having to get a painful set of Twin-Disambiguation Tattoos!
-
Adorn your lunch with one that says “DO NOT STEAL” to send a clear message to any potential office fridge food bandits!
-
Program one to say “4:25PM” and then toggle to clock mode at both 4:25pm and 4:25am in order to teach the youths that some broken clocks are actually only correct once a day!
You know what? Maybe these ION Smart Badges aren’t so useless after all…
