What do you want in a water bottle?

MODERATOR: First, thanks to everyone for taking some time to help us with this focus group. It’s not easy to find consumers who want to share their opinions on water bottles instead of something more glamorous like the iPhone 8.

BOBBY R.: Oh, shoot, I’m in the wrong focus group. Sorry.

MODERATOR: No, wait, don’t go! Whatever Apple’s paying you, we’ll double it! …OK, fine. Good riddance. Now, as for the rest of you, what are you looking for in a water bottle?

DIANE P.: Well, I’ll just come out and say it: I want a bottle that keeps my water cold.

MODERATOR: OK, that’s good. Now -

DIANE P.: And I don’t care who knows it. I like my water cold, period, and nobody’s gonna tell me different. If anybody here doesn’t like it, they can go jump in the county dump. That’s how I feel about it.

MODERATOR: Got it. “Keeps water cold.” What else?

ANTHONY B.: I play a lot of table tennis. Not “ping-pong”. That’s a dumbed-down term with condescending connotations. The name of the sport is table tennis.

MODERATOR: And, is there a point you wanted to make?

ANTHONY B.: Oh, right, yeah. I need a water bottle that I can open and drink with one hand without taking my other hand off my paddle or my eyes off the ball. You know, while I’m playing table tennis, which is the name of the sport people mistakenly refer to as ping-pong.

MODERATOR: So we’ll add “One-handed opening” and “360-degree spout” to the list. Good, good. Who wants to go next?

CRAIG W.: Yeah, I got something. My job keeps me outside all day long. I cover a lot of ground. I work up a lot of sweat. I’m running at peak performance 110% of the time. I can’t have my water bottle letting me down. It’s gotta be rugged if it’s gonna keep up with me.

MODERATOR: “Rugged.” Great suggestion. What do you do for a living, if I may ask?

CRAIG W.: Staff croquet pro at a retirement home.

MODERATOR: I see. I’m almost afraid to ask, but anybody else have any ideas?

AMANDA D.: Well, I think it would be nice if the bottle was kind of thin, so it would fit in a lot of different bottle holders. But then also, it would be good if it had a wide mouth so you could fill it fast, and fit ice cubes inside it.

MODERATOR: That’s it? “Slim body” and “wide mouth”? Just a couple of legitimate suggestions? No weird axe to grind or irritating backstory?

AMANDA D.: No. Nope, that’s it.

MODERATOR: Whew. Thank you. Now, when I look at the list of important features you all suggested, I think you’ll all be pleased with the bottle we’ve come up -

AMANDA D.: Well, I guess I might add that it should be affordable.

MODERATOR: Of course.

AMANDA D.: And BPA-free.

MODERATOR: Naturally, which is exactly what -

AMANDA D.: And gluten-free.

MODERATOR: Gluten-free? Well, there’s no wheat in this water bottle, so -

DIANE P.: Wait, what? What if I want mine with extra gluten? Are you and your corporate goons gonna tell me I can’t have it?

MODERATOR: I… I suppose you could buy your own gluten and, and add it. Or something. We’re getting off the point here -

ANTHONY B.: I hear Bluetooth is essential these days. Will this water bottle have Bluetooth?

MODERATOR: No, no it won’t. What would a water bottle do with Bluetooth?

ANTHONY B.: It’s just, you know, people are saying it’s essential.

MODERATOR: I think we’re done here. Everyone take a pair of rugged, affordable Stanley One-Handed Water Bottles and go. Just go. You can pick up your checks at the reception desk. Thank you.

CRAIG W.: So… am I hearing that we’re not getting an iPhone 8?