Light Exorcise

When the exorcist arrived, the toy seller was pacing the sidewalk in front of his shop.

“You called,” the exorcist said, “for some assistance?”

“Oh, it’s you,” the toy seller cried. “I was worried you might not arrive in time. Yes, yes. I am in desperate need of your help! Some of my toys, you see: they’ve been possessed!”

“Let me guess,” the exorcist said. “Tiny toy soldiers are mounting a microscopic war against you.”

“No,” the toy seller said.

“Then it’s little knights, I’m sure,” the exorcist said. “They ride in upon plastic horses and jab you with their surprisingly sharp lances.”

“It’s not them either,” the toy seller said.

“Then it’s certainly dolls and stuffed toys,” the exorcist proclaimed. “Raggedy Annes and Andys, sock monkeys, and teddy bears, all singing ironic songs of friendship while stalking your every move, each brandishing pencils sharpened into shivs.”

“Actually,” the toy seller said, “it’s fidget spinners.”

“Wait, what? Fidget spinners? Seriously?”

“I’m afraid it’s very serious,” the toy seller said. “They just won’t stop… spinning.”

“That’s it,” the exorcist said. “They’re just spinning? Like fidget spinners do? But on their own?”

“Exactly! And I have work to do! But I can’t anything done! Because I’m so distracted by their infernal noises! Some of them even glow!”

The exorcist nodded. “I understand. They glow brightly with the spirits of the dead.”

“Nope,” the toy seller said. “They’re just the LED kind. And they don’t all glow very brightly. They’re pretty hit-or-miss, to be honest. A lot of them are fine, but the lights on some are dim, or out entirely. That’s why we’re selling them for cheaper than the non-LED ones.”

“Okay,” the exorcist said. “I think I know what to do. But I’ll need absolute privacy while I carry out the… um… exorcism. And I’m sorry to say, I’ll need to take the fidget spinners with me. To… ensure they don’t get possessed again or whatever.”

The toy seller did not object. In fact, he hugged him and thanked him with tears and his eyes. The exorcist assured him it would all be okay. Then, leaving the man to pace again on the sidewalk, he stepped into the store. It was true: the fidget spinners were possessed. They spun and spun and spun, until the exorcist said a quick three-word incantation, returning them finally to stillness.

The exorcist checked over his shoulder. Sure he was alone, he took out his cellphone and dialed a number. “Yeah, Dave?” he said. “You know what you’re selling Monday on Meh? Because I just came into a buttload of fidget spinners…”