Cold Comfort (Also: Warm Comfort)

How to use your CleanBoss Hot/Cold Compression Therapy Sleeves

1. Heat it up in the microwave or toss it in the freezer. (Or don’t.)

2. Put it on your arm or leg.

3. Enjoy compression, improved blood flow, and hot or cold comfort.

4. Go out to happy hour with your friends from work one Friday.

5. Lose track of how much you’ve had to drink.

6. Lose track of everything.

7. Wake up late Saturday afternoon, unsure of where you went after happy hour, or with whom, or how you got home.

8. Go to the bathroom to splash some water on your face.

9. Recoil when you see, in the mirror, a strange new tattoo on your bicep. It’s one of those awful knock-off Calvin peeing pictures, only the Calvin is drawn to look like you, and what he’s peeing on is your coworker Steve’s 1984 Audi Quattro. And not just one like it. It’s the exact car in the exact color, and actually, studying it closely, you see it even has his license plate.

10. Remember the time that Steve confided in you that he’d gotten the car after his divorce, and he’d put into it all the energy he thought he and his now-ex-wife would one day use to raise a pair of children.

11. Spend the weekend panicking.

12. Come Monday, wear a sweater to cover the tattoo.

13. Arrive to find the air conditioning at the office on the fritz again.

14. Experience something approaching a heat stroke.

15. The next day, wear a short-sleeve shirt but cover the tattoo with one of your CleanBoss Hot/Cold Compression Therapy Sleeves.

16. Claim you’re just dealing with some muscle discomfort when anyone asks what it’s for.

17. Keep wearing it, day after day, as the maintenance team tries and fails to fix the AC.

18. When one of your coworkers corners you and names a condition related to arm muscles, say, “Oh, yeah, totally. That’s what I’m dealing with.”

19. Watch as their eyes grow wide with panic.

20. Listen as they explain that their brother-in-law dealt with that condition. It grew excruciating, the coworker tells you, and the surgery he eventually got was experimental, and therefore not covered by any insurance.

21. Feel guilty as your coworkers go about arranging a 5k to raise money for your eventual surgery as well as further research into the condition.

22. On the day of the 5k, show up in your running gear and your CleanBoss Hot/Cold Compression Therapy Sleeve, and give a short speech thanking everyone for their support.

23. Run the 5k with everyone else.

24. About halfway in, experience some discomfort in your knee.

25. Take your CleanBoss Hot/Cold Compression Therapy Sleeve off your arm and put it on your leg.

26. Finish the run without any further knee issues thanks to the compression.

27. High-five everyone as the endorphins pulse through you.

28. Hear someone say, “Will you look at that.”

29. Turn to find yourself face-to-face with Steve.

30. Realize your tattoo is exposed.

31. Experience some level of surprise when he doesn’t recoil but instead smiles widely and says, “I was wondering when I was going to see yours!”

32. Gasp as he raises his running shorts to show his own tattoo on his thigh, one where a Calvin who looks like him urinates on a 1994 Nissan Pulsar Type-R, the car you put your heart into after your divorce.

33. Experience a great rush of relief as you realize you must’ve gotten them together that night you can’t remember.

34. Feel a little weird that you and your coworker Steve have corresponding tattoos, because honestly, you’ve never really been that close.

35. Remember that your coworkers did put this all together because they thought you had an arm disease, so they’re probably pretty mad at you now.

36. Go home.

37. Never go back to that job again.

NOTE: Steps 4 through 37 are optional.