Healthy Eats (but not for you)

Hello, it is us: the four dogs of your financial apocalypse.

The black lab there? She represents famine. So hungry was she that she ate something out of the trash. And, of course, this did not sit well with her. She vomited it up, and though your house features primarily hard floors, she managed to find a place at the center of your nicest rug. Furthermore, she ejected the bile quietly yet forcefully at a time when you would not be walking through the room in question for nearly an hour. As such, it seeped so deep that not even a rented Rug Doctor could get the smell out. By the way, have you seen how much a good new rug costs?

The Irish setter there? He represents war. Specifically, the war against time. Like the black lab, he ate something foul. Unlike the black lab, his sickness did not go unnoticed. As such, you took him to the vet. And you almost made it all the way there. Along the way, you noticed him looking woozy and ready to throw up. In response, you sped up, driving somewhat recklessly so that he might unleash the contents of his sour tummy somewhere other than the interior of your car. Alas, as you were turning into the vet’s office’s parking lot, so close to safety, he released his guts, and the cost to have it detailed will be shocking.

That poodle, meanwhile, represents conquest, and she works in subtler ways. You have purchased her a variety of treats, some of inoffensive odor, some absolutely rank. Guess which ones she prefers? Of course, they’re also more expensive. Furthermore, their smell lingers. You swear you can catch a whiff of it as you leave the house every winter day, or as you drive to work or to run an errand. You think you’re just imagining it until you hear other people whispering to each other, “Do you smell that?” That’s when you realize: you shove the treats in your coat pocket all the time, with no layer to keep them from the fabric. In this way, she has claimed your outermost layer as her own, and you will now need to buy a new one at the height of the season.

As for me, I am a Dogo Argentino, and I represent death. Not because I am fearful to behold, but because just an hour ago, you were preparing for a dinner party. You left an extra chair in the kitchen that I realized I could use to boost myself to counter height. Here, I found two things: a steak you were getting ready to cook, and a bag of grapes you hoped to incorporate into a salad. Something within me told me to defy my basic canine instincts and focus my attention on the latter. I ate all of them, and a good amount of the stems too. But don’t worry; you’ll get me to the emergency vet. So I don’t represent death in that way. But the cost of my stomach pump does represent the death of a solid swath of your savings account.

You will notice something that links us all: we are, every one of us, willing to eat the inedible. And this doesn’t just apply to dogs, either. Cats, for all their eccentricity, will also eat incredibly perplexing things. Including their own fur. But you can use this feature for good. You can use our insatiable appetites to feed us things that help us. Like vitamins or dental treats or supplements to boost our immune system. There’s even something that will help cats with hairball control.

Now, just to be clear: giving us some supplements won’t stop us from costing you egregious amounts of money throughout our lives. But hey, maybe they’ll help just a little bit.

Now, if you don’t mind, we need to be going. There’s a party platter on the prep table. And did you know that, by leaving the step stool out after screwing in a new light bulb, we can now get our bodies fully up there where all the food is? No?

Well, you’re about to find out!