Steam On

Hi. It’s me. Steam.

Yeah, yeah. Not exactly the celebrity that I used to be.

And I know it, too. I don’t want you to think I’m some arrogant loser, forever trying to relive the glory days. The high school quarterback who takes every opportunity to regale his coworkers at the insurance company about the Hail Mary that won the state championships? That’s not who I am. No, I’m realistic.

Which isn’t to say I don’t puff nostalgic from time to time, thinking about my train-powering days.

You wanted to get from somewhere to somewhere else? You needed me. Had something you needed shipped? You needed me. The roads? Too slow. The rivers? Not enough coverage. The sky? Not yet colonized. The sea? Well, I couldn’t exactly help you there, but unless your journey involved one port to another, as soon as you disembarked, you were looking for the nearest set of tracks inland.

I’m proud of those times, but I also understand my moment in the sun is over. These days, my celebrity extends no further than the shores of Sodor. (Yes, believe it or not, they’re still making Thomas content.) Otherwise, I’m championed primarily by a group of people who think one can craft an entire personality around wearing goggles and a top hat. I tend not to acknowledge these folks, though, because they seem to worship a fantastical version of me that never existed rather than the vapor I actually was. (Also because, seriously, how can a bunch of people who preach the joy of a world powered by steam–which is to say, water–be so averse to showering?)

Moreover, I don’t have time to live entirely in the past. I’ve got stuff going on, real stuff, in the present. That’s right, like a former blockbuster action star who finds new life in art house films later on, I’ve built myself a whole new career. These days, I work in the garment-pressing industry.

No, this Conair isn’t exactly the Union Pacific Big Boy, but it still packs some power when it comes to removing the wrinkles from your dress shirts and blouses. And it can do it faster (takes only 40 seconds to warm up) and longer (15 minutes of continuous steam thanks to its 7.3-ounce water tank) than many other products on the market.

Pretty cool, huh?

So go ahead and get one. And celebrate me, steam, not for what I was, but for what I am right now.