this is why i hate tuesday...

carl669 went on a bit of a rant said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 4:47pm ET

mY RULER HAS DISAPPEARED AND THERE IS SOMETHING STUCK BELOW MY CAPS LOCK KEY.

There, the caps lock issue has been resolved. But the ruler is still missing. The hunt is on.

Walking around, I see faces. Faces which are trying to say, “It wasn’t me”. But, I know one of these faces is lying. Or could it be more than one? Is there a conspiracy to keep my beloved ruler in limbo?

I continue searching. A pile of discarded and obsolete test reports lie in the corner. Forgotten. No longer needed. A product line which is now defunct. My ruler cannot be within these papers. My ruler is not defunct. I have not forgotten it.

A straight line. I try to draw it, but there are always slight variations and imperfections. A line! A line! My arm for a straight line!

Why would someone go to such great lengths to keep a straight line to far away from me? I do not know. The search continues.

The drawer next to my desk. The file cabinet 6 feet away. Nothing.

The equipment room. The bastion of all sources digital. The repository of technology. No. My ruler is simple. It does not require impressive user interfaces. It does not require multicolor pixels. It does not require a power source. It does not require these things and does not ask for them. No. It cannot be in the same room as these technological miracles.

I continue on.

The cubicles. The expanse of space which slowly fill up with the aforementioned test reports. I search them all. A half finished diet Pepsi. An unopened Snickers bar. beef jerky, pens, pencils, wires, CD’s, stopwatches, binders, dust, books, hard drives, routers. I find nothing. No ruler. No meaning to this heinous crime.

I walk back to my desk. Defeated. Alone. I try to draw a straight line with a CD. The CD is round. It is useless. I try the stapler. The resulting line has a slight curve to match the base of the stapler. I am aghast.

I cry out, “Why must you torture me! Demons from the seventh circle of hell, release me from thy grasp!! Let me see the shining light of the straight line!!”

Head hung low, I weep. My ruler is gone. The minions of the underworld have claimed it for themselves. May they suffer. May they go blind and not be able to inscribe a perfect 1.5 inch straight line!

Wait. What’s this? A small ray of light shatters the darkness I have been plunged into. I reach down. My hand feeling the carpet fibers. I reach further, grasping. I fingers settle on the object. I inch it closer to me, my mind screaming.

A pen.

The adrenaline leaves my system. My heart is crushed.

Jimmy approaches to console me. Or so I think.

“Here’s your ruler back”, he says.

“Fucking demon seed”, I mutter.

“What?”

“Nothing. Thanks”

Thus ends the quest for the ruler.

tl;dr - fuck you. read the story.

11 comments, 21 replies
Comment

communist said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 5:00pm ET:

have you considered buying a backup ruler or 10 ?

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- @communist no. one should never take another’s ruler without leaving a note.
  
  carl669 said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 5:08pm ET
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- @carl669 what if the ruler abdicates on his own?
  
  no1 said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 5:17pm ET
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- @carl669 what if the ruler breaks? what if u need a ruler to stab your co-worker?
  
  communist said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 10:52pm ET
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- @communist this is why i carry a pocket knife… in case the situation warrants being stabby.
  
  carl669 said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 11:59pm ET
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- @carl669
  /image feeling stabby
  
  compunaut said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 12:25pm ET
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- @compunaut
  
  carl669 said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 12:44pm ET
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no1 said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 5:18pm ET:

why do you need a ruler? isn’t everything electronic now?

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- @no1 sometimes, simplicity is better.
  
  besides, this shit is just fugly:
  
  carl669 said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 5:35pm ET
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f00l said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 5:50pm ET:

@carl669
You are to be complimented on your Misery Most Poetic.

Suicide Is Painless

PS if you hide your ruler in your “secret special place,” it’s unlikely that anyone will steal it.

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- @f00l So you want @carl669 to put a stick in his ass?
  
  dashcloud said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 6:28pm ET
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- @dashcloud
  Actually I was trying to find the remainder of the “Last Supper” clip from M.A.S.H. (1970, Altman). The part where Lt. Dish shows up in the afterlife. Only I can’t find it on YouTube.
  
  Youtube has failed me, and failed @carl669.
  
  f00l said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 9:58pm ET
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Kidsandliz said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 10:01pm ET:

In this house someone by the name of SOMEBODY (as in “somebody took my…”) is the one who always ~~misplaces~~ swipes items. I have never met SOMEBODY but I certainly see the evidence that this person exists.

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- @Kidsandliz
  Well it wasn’t me.
  /giphy NOT ME
  
  f00l said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 10:03pm ET
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- @Kidsandliz in our house we must have SOMEBODY’s cousin, SOMEONE. When the question “can SOMEONE go get the _____ in the basement” comes up, i know i have a new name for a moment
  
  Yoda_Daenerys said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 1:10am ET
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- @Yoda_Daenerys NOBODY also lives in our house, as in NOBODY took it.
  
  Kidsandliz said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 2:44am ET
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jimmyd103 said Tue, Aug 9th 2016 at 11:25pm ET:

People keep borrowing the strawberry jam I keep in the community fridge at the office. The last time I grabbed the jar, jam all over my hand. The nerve…to steal my jam and then blatently leave evidence that you did! I just know they liked the knife and double dipped.
/giphy I feel your pain

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- @jimmyd103 people use my half n half. instead of writing my initials on it, i started writing “NOT YOURS”. it really did seem to help. but then i just started making coffee at home.
  
  meh said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 11:18am ET
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- @meh have you considered a combination lock?
  
  http://newatlas.com/go/4263/
  
  carl669 said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 11:34am ET
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- @carl669 so much work. i just like to put the carton in the fridge. how am i supposed to open this before i’ve had my coffee. anyways, since i have a long commute by train, i need the coffee on the way or i’ll wake up in the rail yard.
  
  meh said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 11:46am ET
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pitamuffin said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 12:28am ET:

This is why I like Tuesday. Stuff like this is produced on Tuesday. Without Tuesday, I never would have been able to read carl’s glorious rant.

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thismyusername said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 12:37am ET:

Wonder who this one belongs to?

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Yoda_Daenerys said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 12:43am ET:
tl;dr i was looking for something today, and then i found something else i lost
```
 ____________________
< this made me happy >
 --------------------
         \
          \
            ^__^ 
    _______/(oo)
/\/(       /(__)
   | W----|| |~|
   ||     || |~|  ~~
             |~|  ~
             |_| o
             |#|/
            _+#+_
```
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- @carl669 oh yea, there’s only one ruler in this here classroom, and it’s me! - that there is a SCALE
  
  Yoda_Daenerys said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 1:13am ET
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analoxide said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 6:36am ET:

NARF!

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beavsco said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 12:53pm ET:

Jimmy is an asshole!

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luvche21 said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 12:56pm ET:

You can borrow mine next time. It’s a ProArt 7720-24, made of stainless steel, flexible, and has a non skid cork base. Only the best when it comes to rulers.

Oh year, it’s 24" too because that’s important.

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- @luvche21 You’re lucky; 24" won’t even fit on the open spot of my cluttered desk
  /image cluttered desk
  
  compunaut said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 1:04pm ET
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- @compunaut mine normally fits OK
  
  luvche21 said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 1:22pm ET
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- @luvche21
  24"? Flexible? Non-skid? That’s important? That’s what she said?
  
  f00l said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 2:36pm ET
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- @luvche21 No fair. You can actually see the edge of your desk
  
  compunaut said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 3:12pm ET
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- @compunaut I’ve worked hard for that though - I’ve only been here a year, so that helps. I have way too many coworkers with offices like this one:
  
  (I work in a library, so stacks of books/music scores is pretty normal…)
  
  luvche21 said Wed, Aug 10th 2016 at 3:43pm ET
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