The Mehliad (So Far)
17Chapter 1
Name’s Dan. Dan Fogelberg. No relation. If it helps though, I guess you could visualize the other Dan Fogelberg throughout this story. That might add some comedic value.
My dad had a pretty sweet condo outside of Dallas. I was obviously his favorite kid, which makes sense if you get to know me. He sent me to college, but it just wasn’t really my thing, y’know? I had too much of an entrepreneurial spirit. And classes before 3pm are bullshit.
So I took up a sort of “internship” with this old eccentric dude, a real Mr. Wing type, who told me the ancient hidden secrets of business: buy up cheap shit, and sell it for slightly less cheap. Real business tycoon stuff, y’know? But eventually it got to his head. It became less about selling junk and more about making a shit ton of money. I started to drift away from his influence.
So one night while we were on our way to some warehouse to pick up a truckload of broken iPhone speaker docks when a storm separated us. I assume. I asked to stop and use the shitter at the rest area outside Bigfoot and when I came out my “mentor” was gone. Whatever. I figured NBD, I can catch a snooze until he comes back right? So I head back to the men’s room to get out of the rain and lie down on the floor to take a nap.
Next thing I knew, I could feel hands patting me down. And not in the good way you’d expect from a rest stop men’s room. I opened my eyes and tried to get up off the floor, but I couldn’t move! I was tied down, and someone was going through my pockets looking for my wallet. Joke’s on them because the chain means it’s not leaving my side, but still.
“Knock it off!” I yelled.
“Oh shit, he’s awake,” said a high-pitched, scruffy voice. “We thought you were dead, dude. You look dead.”
“Who are you? Where am I? Why can’t I move?”
“Well, I’m Geoff. And you’re in hell, dude.” My heart started racing and I yelped. “Nah, just fuckin’ with ya. You’re in Monolito!” Geoff had a glimmer in his eye, but not the good kind. It was the “I know something you don’t” kind. He was small, impish even. With his hair combed straight back in that weird greasy style that you can’t wear any more for fear of looking like the type of guy who has a Pepe the Frog avatar.
“What the hell is that?”
“You…you haven’t heard of Monolito? Monolito’s the whole world, man. We’re in Nasteria, the most technologically advanced nation on the planet. Everyone is linked with these little chips in our heads, and we can access all knowledge instantly.”
“Holy shit,” I said flatly.
“Yeah. It’s rad. You’re gonna love it!” He started dragging me out of the restroom. I offered a silent prayer that the dampness spreading on my back was sweat.
“I don’t think I want-”
“Dude, you don’t think you want instant access to the whole of human knowledge and experience? Don’t be stupid. Besides, I already installed your chip while you were passed out.”
“What? Why would you do that?”
“Because you accepted the end user agreement.”
“I did?”
“Yep. I said, ‘Say anything if you do not agree to the terms,’ and you just laid there.”
“That’s not cool, man. How could I have known I was agreeing to that?”
“Relax,” he sighed as he smiled lazily at me, “it’s just one of those things about the world now, like a non-functioning government and natural disasters and identity fraud. It’s easier to just not think about this stuff and hope it doesn’t happen to you.”
“Man, this is like an episode of-”
“Black Mirror, the hit scifi dystopian nightmare available for streaming now on Netflix?”
“I was gonna say The Twilight Zone, but sure. I guess,” I muttered as I looked around. “How do I get home?”
“Home?” Geoff looked genuinely confused. “Why would you want to go home?”
Chapter 2
After the initial shock of waking to a strange man named Geoff patting me down as I slept on a filthy men’s room floor wore off (we’ve all been there), I started to explore a bit. Nasteria seemed kinda cool, actually. Having a chip implanted in my brain without my actual consent SOUNDED bad, but in practice it made everything super convenient.
“This place was built by settlers who wanted a place to talk about geeky shit,” Geoff explained as he showed off the capital city,. “They spent their lives building a utopia of geek culture, where you could while away the hours talking router specs and no one would so much as purple nurple you.”
“No purple nurples?”
“The nurples were unpurpled.”
“Wow.” We let that clunker of a joke hang in the 72-degree air. “So this is like a tech nerd paradise?”
“Oh it’s even better than that!” Geoff squealed giddily, “Come on, I’ll show you!” I followed him down the hill, noting the faint scent of cinnamon buns in the air.
Chapter 3
I’d been walking around Nasteria with my guide Geoff for a few hours now. I realized I was hungry as hell. Geoff led me down into the Food & Entertainment district to get some grub.
“This place has been here since the ‘50s!” he told me over his shoulder as he capered ahead, pointing out various window displays full of perfectly-decorated cakes, pies, and various roasted birds. The smells wafting from the buildings were intoxicating. Each storefront was smoother and sleeker than the last, like those horrific box-shaped condos that are ruining cities everywhere: straight lines, shiny glass.
“The ‘50s?” I asked, “This all seems so…new.”
“Oh yeah” Geoff explained without missing a beat, “That’s one of the benefits of Nasteria: the shared expertise. See, when the Overlords acquired the district they killed off the old foodies and installed a mayor with a fashion and style background. She makes sure everything is super chic.”
“Wait,” I stopped in my tracks, “Overlords? Killed?”
“Well sure,” Geoff beamed, “In Nasteria you either embrace the Overlords’ way of things or you get liquidated.” He tossed a hand pie my way and I fumbled a second before catching it. It looked pristine, like it belonged in a magazine photo. I noticed my appetite was shrinking.
Chapter 4
I took a bite of the hand pie Geoff had tossed my way. The crust was a perfect golden bronze color, with little holes shaped like leaves poked in the top to vent delicious-smelling steam. The filling tasted of apples and spiced lamb: warm, comforting, and satisfying. Despite my unease at the sudden mention of government-sponsored murder, I wolfed it down.
“Woah there tiger,” Geoff giggled in his high voice, “you didn’t even take a photo of it!”
“Huh?” I wiped crumbs from the corners of my mouth, “Oh. I was never really one of those people. Not my thing.”
“But why would you even want food if you’re not going to photograph it for social media? They make it so easy here!” Geoff seemed genuinely confused as to why I would want to eat food rather than share a picture of it. “The bakery is fully integrated with Nasteria’s own social media. You could get so many NasteBucks for sharing that pie!”
“Look, Geoff, I don’t give a fuck about NasteBucks or photos of pies, okay?” I snapped. How was I still hungry? “
“Hey!” a deep voice bellowed from the storefront. I turned to see a slight man with a bizarrely-coiffed beard wearing buffalo plaid and adorned with neck tattoos of naked angels. “You gotta pay for that pie, man!”
“Shit, sorry,” I apologized as I fumbled for my wallet. “Here,” I handed him a five dollar bill.
“Try again, pal,” he scolded me. Of course this place would be expensive. I wasn’t even full! I reached for a ten, but again he shook his head. “No cash here, pal. NasteBucks or credit card only.”
“What? It’s legal tender. Come on.”
“Just hand him a credit card,” Geoff skulked, obviously embarrassed at my faux pas, “Besides once your card’s in the system it’s stored permanently and you can use it anywhere instantly. For convenience.” I noticed a small crowd gathering around to gawk at the disruption we were causing. One of them sported a shiny Community Officer police badge.
“Okay, okay,” I sighed, “here.” I handed him my Visa.
“Awesome,” beardy’s demeanor instantly changed, “By handing me this card you agree to all terms and conditions of Nasteria and Monolito citizenship, subject to change without notice at the behest of the Overlords of Nasteria.
The interaction didn’t feel especially convenient.
Chapter 5
After the hand pie debacle I made my way out of the Fashionable Food District to try and find a way home, or at the very least out of Nasteria. Geoff capered after me, still not seeming to understand my distress and continuously trying to sell me on the majesty of Monolito.
“The high-brow blue blood satirical paper shares an editorial board with the teen fashion magazine, the sporting news, and the women’s lifestyle publication! Each informs the other! It’s the perfect synergy for customers!”
“But there’s only one source of information.”
“Exactly! The Overlords can perfectly manage the messaging and deliver it in the style that each consumer segment prefers!” I didn’t say anything further as we made our way down the main drag through the city. I didn’t want to be on record as questioning the Overlords.
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Chapter 6
“Juvenile. Vapid. Artistically irredeemable,” huffed a skinny-jean-clad hipster in a leather jacket through a cloud of PBR-scented vapor. “I give it a 3.2, and that’s being generous.”
“That’s great,” I grunted through my clenched teeth, “But I’m just asking you how I get out of here.”
“Derivative. I’ve heard this all before and it bores me.”
“This could go on all night,” Geoff giggled, thumbing his suspenders up and down. I fought the urge to slap him across the face.
“Does EVERYONE live in Nasteria?” I gasped.
“Of course not,”another pull from the silver hand-grenade-shaped vape box and a cloud of beer-soaked fumes. “Only the creme de la creme. The elite. The tastemakers-”
“Great. Fine. So where do the other people live? How do I get there? How do I leave?”
“Leave?” The vape enthusiast looked at Geoff, who shrugged.
“I don’t get it either,” Geoff said. I left the hipster behind and trudged down the road, Geoff following behind.
Chapter 7
“I’ve seen this thing!”
“Seen that!”
“A thing I have seen!”
The central plaza of Nasteria was complete chaos. Thousands of people milled around, each with their own photos, statues, songs, news stories, and any other bit of creative detritus you could think of. Periodically they would hold up whatever their prized possession was, whereupon others would point and declare that they had seen it.
“What is this place?” I asked Geoff, who I had decided was my own personal Virgil at this point.
“You poor uncultured brute,” Geoff chided, “This is Seenit Square! The ultimate exchange of ideas and information, all under the paternal guidance of the Overlords! Everyone here can bring their own little bit of knowledge to share and have its inherent value assigned by strangers! It’s like Antiques Road Show but for culture!
“TODAY I LEARNED,” a frantic voice shouted into my ear above the din, “THAT MARK TWAIN BELIEVED TRAVELING WOULD ALLEVIATE PREJUDICE.”
“LOOK,” another answered, “LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF A DOG. IT IS AN ADORABLE SHIBA INU DOG AND IT IS WEARING WHAT APPEARS TO BE SAMURAI ARMOR.”
“I APPROVE OF YOUR NINJA DOG!”
“YOU CRETIN! YOU IMBECILE! IT IS CLEARLY A SAMURAI DOG, AS THE PERSON WITH THE PHOTO INITIALLY STATED! SURELY I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF YOUR INTELLECTUAL SUPERIOR!”
“I SHALL REPURPOSE THE PHOTO AND DEEM IT A NINJA DOG!” The roar of shouting and confusion hit a fever pitch but never seemed to subside, only grow in ferocity. If Hell had a stock market, I’d swear we were on the floor at peak trading time.
“IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, THE PRESIDENT IS A FOOL!”
“I SHOWER YOU WITH PRAISE FOR YOUR BRAVERY IN SPEAKING TRUTH TO POWER!”
“HERE HERE!”
“NAY, I POSIT THAT IT IS YOU WHO IS THE FOOL!”
“I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU BACK UP THAT FALSE ALLEGATION IN MUTUAL COMBAT!”
“HERE HERE!”
“BEHOLD, I HAVE REMOVED THE MUSIC FROM THIS SONG AND THUS REVEALED THE TALENTED SINGING THAT LIE BENEATH!”
“This is the worst fucking place I’ve ever been,” I glowered as I tried to fight my way through the throng.
Chapter 8
The constant roar of the mindless throng in SeenIt Square left my head pounding. All I wanted was to get away, get out of here, and get back home. Unfortunately, my guide Geoff couldn’t understand why.
“Everything you could ever want has been acquired, repurposed, and brought under one umbrella,” he beamed as he spoke. His hair flopped from side to side, slicked back into one fin of annoyance.
“I just want to go home,” I groaned, “It’s nothing against Nasteria or Monolito. These places just aren’t my home.”
“But the Overlords-”
“Fuck your Overlords!” I snapped. The silence was deafening. I saw panic in Geoff’s eyes, which was amplified when I realized that the silence wasn’t just between us. The entire square had stopped bickering and turned to face us.
“HE BESMIRCHED THE OVERLORDS!”
“THIS FOGELBERG IS AN ENEMY TO THE PUBLIC!”
“WE VALUE FREE SPEECH ABOVE ALL ELSE, SO LONG AS IT JIBES WITH CORPORATE INTEREST!”
“LOOK AT THIS HILARIOUSLY INTRICATE KNIFE I FOUND AT A MALL SHOP. IT IS SHAPED LIKE A DRAGON!”
“STAB THE FOGELBERG WITH THE DRAGON KNIFE!”
“DOWNVOTE HIM! DOWNVOTE HIM TO HELL!”
The switch was instantaneous. One second they were staring at me, the next they were charging. I turned to run, with Geoff not far behind.
Chapter 9
We turned down an alley, desperate to lose the angry mob, but I knew it was only a matter of time until they had us. I worried we’d be torn limb from limb or, worse, I would be torn limb from limb while being forced to listen to Geoff scold me about embracing synergy or whatever. Suddenly a cracked, rotten door on my left opened and a voice croaked out from the darkness.
“Here.” I didn’t need a second invitation. I lurched wildly out of my sprint to throw myself at the door.
Geoff followed hot on my heels as I heard the door shut behind us. I could hear muffled cries of “He went that way!” and “I think I see him there!” and “Let me show you this video of an otter eating a muffin!” I took a second to catch my breath.
“Thanks,” I panted, “These guys take their Overlords seriously.”
“Yes,” the voice croaked back from the darkness, “We like it that way.”
Chapter 10
“Look I didn’t mean any disrespect,” I tried to explain as a hunched, sickly woman led us down a winding stone staircase, “I was just frustrated, y’know?” I looked to Geoff for backup, but he wouldn’t say anything. He looked terrified.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” the woman croaked with a grim smile. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
“Dan,” Geoff whimpered, “I’ll show you how to go home. We should leave.”
“Oh now you wanna help?”
“Look we need to-”
“SILENCE” a voice boomed through my skull, nearly flattening me.
“Who the fuck was that?” I squealed.
“The Overlords,” the woman intoned solemnly.
“Where? I don’t see anything.”
“Down there. Below.”
Not to get all Lovecraftian Horror on you, but it’s really hard to describe just what the hell I saw in that pit.
The crazy old woman had led us down into what looked like a sewer, except not a real sewer because those are small and cramped and full of shit. This was a huge, gothic chamber of grimy brick and foul, dripping water.
Like in the movies. In the center was a well about 30 feet across. I peered down into it. It looked like a writhing mass of cocks and slugs, all covered in pearlescent green mucus. They twisted and intertwined and slid around and through each other in constant motion.
“What. The. Fuck.” I know. They should’ve sent a poet.
“WE ARE THE OVERLORDS,” the slug dick thing bellowed into my mind through some sort of telepathy. It must’ve been in Geoff’s mind too, because he flinched like he’d been struck.
“Uh, hi. I’m Dan. Dan Fogelberg.”
“LIKE THE-”
“No, no relation. It’s actually kind of a common name.”
“YOU HAVE DISRUPTED OUR HARMONIOUS GARDEN, DAN FOGELBERG NO RELATION.”
“I’m sorry. I just want to get home. I was taking a nap and next thing I knew this weirdo was groping me in a men’s room.”
“I told him to not say anything if he accepted the user agreement,” Geoff tried to explain.
“Look I just wanted a decent hand pie that would actually fill me up-”
“ENOUGH CHILDISH BICKERING,” the Overlords boomed, “SINCE WE ARRIVED HERE FROM OUR HOME ON CONDE WE HAVE AMASSED POWER THROUGH THE ACQUISITION OF TALENT AND IDEAS. SOON WE WILL CONTROL ALL INFORMATION, ALL ENTERTAINMENT, AND ALL THOUGHT.”
“Okay.”
“WE- OKAY? THAT’S IT?”
“Whatever, man. I don’t give a shit. I’m one guy. I couldn’t stop you if I wanted to.”
“YOU COULD NEVER HOPE TO STOP US- OH. YOU JUST SAID THAT. SORRY, WE HAD PLANNED ON A LOT MORE RESISTANCE.”
“Near as I can tell, you’re like 90% of the way to absorbing everything in Monolito. And I don’t live here, so whatevs. Can I just go home?”
“EXCELLENT. YOU WILL HEAD TO THE DOCKS. A SHIP AWAITS. IT WILL TAKE YOU AWAY FROM NASTERIA, AWAY FROM MONOLITO. PERHAPS YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE ON YOUR TRAVELS WHO CAN HELP YOU RETURN HOME.”
“Wow, thanks. You guys aren’t nearly so terrible as I thought.”
“WE STRIVE TO DELIVER THE BEST EXPERIENCE FOR CITIZENS AND VISITORS OF MONOLITO.”
“Cool. Well I’m gonna go then. Thanks for your help!”
“ONE LAST THING.”
“Please don’t-”
“TAKE GEOFF.”
“Dammit,” Geoff and I both muttered at the same time. To the docks we went.
Chapter 11
The docks were not what I expected, since I expected them to be docks where boats docked. Instead, we walked along an upward-inclined solid beam that rose steadily until it met the bow of a fantasy-style airship.
Never one to look any sort of ex machina in the mouth, I boarded with Geoff in tow.
The ship was simple enough to steer, and provisioned for a full crew well above the three goofballs assigned to keep Geoff and I from wrecking the thing. Goggles, our “navigator” as such, swore that if it could be found, he’d find it. He also had no idea what Texas was or where it might exist, but enthusiasm counts for something. Norton, our ship’s doctor, spent an ungodly amount of time “scanning the ship for weaknesses” and generally slowing our progress to a crawl without ever actually finding anything. Aoelh was introduced to me as a “primitive,” from some far away tribe of native peoples. He didn’t speak much, only offering a “welcome” upon meeting. I guess every ship needs its Queequeg.
We let loose the ropes and sailed into the sky, headed for adventure and, hopefully, home.
Chapter 12
It took roughly 45 minutes for us to get completely lost. Geoff kept teasing me about this whole trip home being a lost cause. Goggles wouldn’t stop apologizing for his navigational searches returning no results, and Norton has gone completely mad - he insisted we stop the ship every hour and let him scan it for threats.
“No threat detected,” puffed Norton as he climbed up from the ship’s hold, “but that doesn’t mean they’re not still there. The ship’s performance could be affected, you know.” I stared at the cloudless sky, with nothing but ocean waves below us, and sighed. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to find my way home from Monolito, but I didn’t realize it would all go to hell so quickly. I turned and noticed Aoelh silently standing by my side, sharing the view.
“Do you think we’ll find land, Aoelh?”;
“Goodbye,” came the sing-song reply as he walked off to go below deck.
Chapter 13
We sailed for three weeks, completely lost at…not sea, exactly, since we were in an airship, but we were above an ocean so yeah, at sea. I guess. Geoff had long ago lost his freewheeling good humor and had become a sullen lump, rarely leaving his bunk and grousing whenever he did. Norton obsessively hunted for the “threats” he swore were present on the ship, and Goggles ceaselessly scanned the horizon for any sign of land.
Aoelh would periodically bring me glimmering discs of plastic and place them into my hand.
“Welcome,” Aoelh would say, then, “Goodbye,” as he turned and left.
What a weird fucking dude.
I had all but given up hope and was getting high in my bunk when suddenly our ship jolted with an impact. Land! Or rather, a tower! We’d finally found something! We all scrambled to the deck of the ship, giddy with anticipation at what awaited us. We saw a small man with embarrassingly outdated facial hair staring at us from a loading bay. Laborers busily tied up our ship and extended a plank to help us exit.
“Uh, ahoy!” I beckoned. The curly-haired man with the goatee stared back mutely. He was an odd fellow, made odder by the fact that he was obviously trying to be odd. Like, okay dude I get it. After a few seconds of awkward eye contact I made my way down the plank and towards him.
“Stop!” he barked suddenly, freezing us all in our tracks, “You are about to enter the nation of Sa.”
“Okay,” I responded, “We come in peace.”
“I don’t give a shit how you come,” he sneered, "But you gotta pay $9.95 before we let you in.”
Chapter 14
The nation of Sa was kind of exhausting.
Like, parts of it are really cool. There were whole cities dedicated to mocking cultural icons and fashion movements and celebrity worship in general. The people there tended not to take themselves - or anything, really - too seriously.
But that’s just it - they didn’t take anything seriously at all. What started as tongue-in-cheek sarcasm and contrarianism soon descended into full-blown nihilism. Poor Norton was a wreck. The goons of this land fed him endless red herrings and false leads to throw off his obsessive quest to detect threats. The man exhausted himself chasing ghosts.
Goggles had a similar breakdown, at one point refusing to archive any maps of the region for fear of being pranked. Geoff eventually convinced him that he could at least trust us, but I feared our trusty navigator would never be the same.
Aoelh didn’t really seem to give a shit. The pile of shiny discs in my cabin grew.
Chapter 15
After 17 different false alarms that proved to be sardonic pranks from various goofballs, I gave up hope of finding my way back home by way of Sa. We began provisioning our ship, which the citizens were happy to assist with so long as we gave them the honor of naming our ship something glorious.
We agreed, and thus the boat was christened the “SS STUPID BOAT” by the denizens of Sa after a lengthy discussion. They all stared at me, stone-faced, when I asked them if that was really the most majestic name they could come up with. Their leader insisted it was, and acted offended that I would even question them on it. I apologized, more to keep our supplies stocked than to save face, and he thanked me with a ceremonial offering of a pillow with what I guess is a small Japanese woman printed on it.
I told Aoelh not to use the good paint when he wrote the name on the bow.
Chapter 16
The denizens of Sa invited us to a feast and, needing their support to resupply our ship, we had no choice but to agree. In a stark, unfurnished basement with little more than an inflatable pool we were treated to pizza rolls and cheap beer.
“Some of my people have paid you great tribute,” the Grand Kyanak spat between bites of pizza roll. “They honor you with portraits.” Geoff, serving as our ambassador of sorts, gave appropriate deference and the artists were brought in one at a time to show us their work.
What followed was a horrific menagerie of images, each more grotesque than the last. They had manipulated portraits of us to depict us on animals, as terrorists, engaged in coitus with one another, eating human flesh, and with Hitler mustaches.
We did our best to seem appreciative, but I made sure to leave the feast as quickly as I could without causing a scene.
When I made it back to the ship, I saw the bow had been painted to depict me with a pineapple sticking out of my ass.
Chapter 17
Goggles was feeling confident that he’d located a large continent to the East, and we were all really eager to get the hell out of Sa, so I made our final preparations to say goodbye. In the interest of goodwill, Geoff suggested we host a screening of some home movies we’d been shooting along our travels.
“But we were lost,” I said, “The videos are just us staring out at the sky. That sounds insanely boring.”
“You’ve seen these lunatics,” Geoff smiled, “the weirder and more boring it is, the more they’ll hail it as the pinnacle of art. Up is down here.” He had a point. And the chance to put one over and have these cynical weirdos eat up the most boring video I could think of was pretty appealing.
“All right, let’s do it. It’s just a stupid video.” That night we gathered in the Grand Kyanak’s basement. The video, all six hours of it, ran through with no intermission. That was Geoff’s idea. After the video ended, a silence hung in the basement thicker than the reek of mold.
“So, uh, that was our video. Hope you guys liked the glimpse into the outside world,” I tried to wrap things up. “I know you guys like your…uh, insular nation. But there’s lots of stuff out there.” The Grand Kyanak stood slowly, before pointing at me and screaming.
“Oh,” Geoff said quietly, “I think you just got challenged to a fight. To the death.”
“Over a fucking movie?”
Chapter 18
The goons of Sa gave chase from the basement all the way to the ship, but I think most of them were doing it ironically. I’ve been chased enough times in my life to know when someone’s heart isn’t in it. We made our way down the streets and to the dock, where Norton was busily inspecting the seams for the 400th time.
“Would you like me to scan-”
“LATER!” I screamed as we cut the ropes and kicked off. The gang tumbled off the deck and down to the ground below as we sailed into the sky.
“FOR ADVENTURE!” Goggles screamed into the wind.
“Goodbye,” said Aoelh.
Chapter 19
We’d sky-sailed many days before we landed on the shores of Ogle. Spirits were high, and Goggles was confident we’d find a bustling metropolis sure to be full of travelers from all over who might be able to help me find my way back home.
What we found was a smoldering ruin.
Dazed villagers approached us, zombielike.
“Please,” one begged, “have you any celebrity gossip?”
“What?” I asked.
“Gossip. Scandal. Affairs. Cell phone footage of police stops. We’ll take anything. Even something with Kathy Griffin.”
“These people are lost,” Geoff said while crossing himself.
“What happened here?” I asked the bedraggled group surrounding us.
“Hogan!” hissed a ragged old man with a beard down to his knees.
“Hogan!” the group joined in, chanting the name with religious fervor. “Hogan!” “Hogan!” “Hogan!” “Hogan!”
“Captain Fogelberg,” Norton, our trust ship’s medic approached me, “I-”
“I”m not a captain.”
“Right. Sorry. Dan, I’ve done some asking around and the villagers seem to believe some mythical hulking beast with hair the color and consistency of dry hay destroyed their village.”
“Like a bigfoot or something?”
“I’m not sure. Apparently his legs were atomic, though.”
“Captain!” Goggles interrupted.
“I”m not a-”
“There are other villages here on the continent! Some of them are even thriving, despite the destruction here at Ogle proper!”
“Well then let’s get the hell out of here.”
Chapter 20
We traveled overland into the Yonic Valley until we reached a small village that smelled absolutely amazing, even from the air. Our ship docked and we found ourselves surrounded by women who stared at us suspiciously.
“Greetings,” I said in my friendliest voice, “We are travelers seeking to find our way home. I come from a land called Texas. Have you heard of it?”
“The land with like three reproductive health clinics for almost 300,000 square miles?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed before realizing I should probably not sound so excited about that fact, “Yes, it…uh, it is an imperfect land, but it’s my home. And I need to get back. To, uh, vote. For progressive voices.”
“He speaks falsehoods!” shrieked the chieftess, “He is no ally to the sisterhood! He brings the patriarchy!”
“Unleash the Lindy!”
“No, I swear, I donated to Wendy Davis!” It was too late. The women turned on us, gnashing their teeth and brandishing knives. We turned to flee when the chant rose up from the valley. We kicked off and left the valley, no closer to home, as an unholy, guttural shriek reverberated over the hills. I turned to my beleaguered crew.
“Any other ideas?”
“There are other villages on the continent. Hope isn’t lost!” Somehow, I couldn’t muster much enthusiasm for Goggles’ optimism.
Chapter 21
As we crested the hill fleeing the Yonic Valley, a beautiful mountain came into view. Snow adorned its peak, and a picturesque village rested at its base. Cherry blossoms exploded into bloom below us, and the haunting notes of a shamisen wafted up to us from below. We docked, eager to explore the mystical land.
“Greetings, gaijin,” a friendly, overweight man with skin the color of printer paper and a patchy beard beckoned us. He wore an ill-fitting kimono of dubious quality, and carried a katana bearing a Spencer’s Gifts price tag on the handle. “I am Fred san, noble ronin of this land. I greet you in friendship.”
“Uh, hi. My name’s Dan Fogelberg. But not like the singer.”
“I am unfamiliar with your Western music,” he said while eating string cheese.
“Right. We’re trying to find our way back home,” I started to explain.
“His home,” Geoff butted in, “Not mine.”
“Or mine,” Norton interrupted.
“Not mine either,” added Goggles.
“Welcome,” said Aoelh.
“It is I who should welcome you,” spoke the mysterious stranger in the ill-fitting kimono. “Please, join me in enjoying this obscure Japanese RPG. I have procured an untranslated disc for the original Playstation. It is the superior gaming experience.”
I sighed as he led us into his home.
“Please remove your shoes,” he motioned to the floor, “My mother will prepare a snack.”
“I’d really rather just find out if you know how to get to Texas. We’re not hungry.”
“I’m kind of hungry,” Goggles sniffed.
This was going to take a while.
Chapter 22
After 22 boss fights, 48 side quests, and 76 hours we finished Fred’s obscure JRPG. I have no idea what happened, exactly, but I guess an evil wizard who was dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl who was actually a robot under government control had to kill every Disney character to gain the power of an ancient warlord or…something.
“Great. We did it. Now can you tell me how to get back home?” I asked, exasperated.
“The longest journey begins with a single ste-” Fred san couldn’t finish his thought before Geoff punched him in the nose, dropping him like a sack of bricks. “MOOOOOOOOOM!”
“Come on, let’s cheese it!” I yelled as we headed to the ship, “This place smells like dirty feet!”
Chapter 23
As we left Fred san’s house Norton convinced us to visit the top of the picturesque mountain. It seemed peaceful and after the long string of failures, I figured it would lighten the mood and maybe improve morale.
We found was a small community up there, living among the clouds. They were peaceful, calm, and eager to share their advice on the key to better living.
We learned so much from those beautiful people: the best time of year to buy a car, how to actually get bloodstains out of clothing, how to rebuild our credit ratings, and the best hidden features in our phone’s operating systems.
They couldn’t help me find my way home, and so we had to leave them eventually. But I am eternally grateful for their help.
Chapter 24
The choking clouds of Autobahnia rose high above the city, which was swaddled in an endless nightmare of twisting freeways. At first I thought it was Dallas.
We tried flagging down help, but the people of Autobahnia spend their every waking moment in their cars: new sportscars, old muscle cars, and ironic economy family sedans that were loving tributes to the cars of their teenage years.
It was kinda neat, but not really my thing. We pressed onward.
Chapter 25
“Look Dan,” Geoff pointed down to a glimmering city below, “It’s Giz.” I’d heard the legends: a beautiful celebration and tribute to science, technology, and possibility. What I saw left a little to be desired. Billboards for vape pens and headphones towered over buildings. Drones flew over the people, shouting updates on “celebrities” like Martin Shkreli. There were iPhones everywhere.
“Wait,” I said, “What is that place outside the city?” A small arcology sat just on the city limits, papered over with ads for low-budget scifi movies and fanfic.
“That’s Io,” Goggles noted, while adding to his charts.
“STOP EVERYTHING,” Norton interrupted, “I have reason to believe there are security threats aboard the ship! I need to scan!”
“Oh for the love of- let’s just go.”
“Goodbye,” said Aoelh as we floated away.
Chapter 26
“Yes, I agree, the name is racist. But again: I’m trying to get back home,” I reiterated for the sixth time. The people of Snarksports were eager to trade stories, and were desperate for affirmation of just about any kind, but the shtick was running thin.
“Yeah, Texas. WOOOO GUNS AND COWBOYS AND SHIT. SO ORIGINAL,” a smarmy, overexcited manchild wasted no opportunity to snark on something, anything. He also did that sudden loud talk thing where you are saying a normal thing and then SHOUTING. Like, you didn’t invent that, dude.
“I don’t like this place,” Norton muttered.
“WOOO, SCANNER DARKLY HERE HAS DETECTED A SECURITY FLAW,” screamed the boy-man. “Shouldn’t you be hopped up on pills and prostitutes promising to hack the FBI from some South American shit hole?”
“That’s not Norton,” I said, “That’s…you know what I don’t need a lawsuit.” The clacking of a foosball table filled the room.
Chapter 27
We’d rated our favorite beers, played 15 games of foosball, and shit on every NFL owner when I decided to press my luck again.
“So I’m trying to find my way back home, and any advice or info you have would be appreciated.” A chuckle rippled through the group.
“Yeah, we’d be happy to help the DESTROYER OF WORLDS.”
“What?” I looked to my party. Geoff, Norton, and Goggles were as confused as me. Even Aoelh shrugged.
“We heard you were coming,” the Snarksportsian said, “From the dead villages you visited.”
“Dead villages?” said Geoff. “Ogle was in rough shape, but I don’t know if I’d call it destroyed.”
“Not just Ogle. Autobahnia, Giz, Yonic, even Fred san, that sad piece of shit. They’re all gone.”
“Gone? What do you mean?”
“Acquired. Absorbed. Taken over.”
“By who?”
“Whom.”
“Fuck you. Whom?”
“Who do you think?” the manchild smirked, “The Overlords.”
Chapter 28
We watched the news reports in disbelief. Every single place we’d visited had been subsumed by the Overlords and annexed into Monolito. They were now operating with “new, improved” features that made them just like every other place in Nasteria. And something called Disqus.
“I knew it was too good to be true!” I shouted as I punched the table. “They’re after us! They’re not going to let me get home!”
“That doesn’t seem like what’s happening,” said one of the more reserved Snarksportsians. I think his name was Burneko.
“Yeah,” added the annoying one from the cooking show, “They’re not chasing you. They’re following you.”
“Okay. Chasing, following, pursuing, whatever Johnny Thesaurus. The point is-”
“The point is we’re next. And you led them to us.”
Chapter 29
We left Snarksports in a hurry, desperate to avoid the ever-encroaching reach of the Overlords. I was not as upset about those guys getting devoured by slug-dick monsters than some of the other people we’d met, but I guess it was still bad overall.
“안녕하세요!”
“What the fuck? Who said that?”
“Wasn’t me,” said Geoff.
“Not me,” Norton said. Goggles shook his head.
“Goodbye,” said Aoelh.
“새로운 휴대 전화를 원하십니까?”
“Is that Korean?”
“Ohhhh, we must be near Ppomppu!” trusty Goggles with his maps, always on the ball.
“What the hell is that?”
“Eh, it’s not what it used to be. But it was THE place to get deals on Korean cell phones for awhile.”
“What happened to them?”
“Lowered standards, mostly. They started sharing deals from the lowest of low-rent deal-a-day sites. But you know South Korea: they love the latest and greatest in tech, even more than our techiest tech geeks. Hence the telepathic broadcasting into our brains.”
“Do you think they’re safe from the Overlords?”
“Globalism comes for us all, friend.” We sailed onward.
Chapter 30
“I’m telling you, I detect threats!” Norton was on this rant again.
“Norton, for the love of God,” Geoff sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose, “There are no threats. Okay? There hasn’t been a threat this whole time. You’re paranoid.”
“노트북에 큰 거래!”
“We’re sailing across the world running from giant dickslug monsters that want to take over world and bend it to their will and you’re saying there’s no threat?” Paranoid, but he had a point.
“Your incessant searches keep slowing us down! We’ll never find the way to Texas at this rate,” said Goggles, exasperated.
“좋아하는 MP3 플레이어에서 새로운 거래를 찾으십시오!”
“Look, can we argue over this somewhere else? I’m getting a headache from the constant Korean telepathy bombarding me with ads for electronics.” We sailed on.
Chapter 31
“Oh my God, this place is amazing!” Norton ran off the ship before we’d finished docking, ecstatic. We’d landed at the shore of Thingee, a nerd heaven full of pop culture riffs, toys, and distractions. It was a welcome respite after such a long voyage full of heartache.
“He’s like a kid,” huffed Geoff, “You’d think by now he’d be over such silly toys and- IS THAT A STAR TREK BLUETOOTH COMMUNICATOR BADGE?” He scampered down the gangplank and was off.
“Man, these guys really live the life,” I said, whistling while we took in the glittering storefronts full of lights, lasers, robots, and….hmmm. Monkeys? Where had I seen those smiling simian faces before? Something seemed so familiar about them.
“Man, this place is neat,” Goggles said, “It’ll be a shame when it’s sucked into a whirling ball of slugdicks.”
“How are they following us? We’ve taken a lot of care to not leave a trail. But like clockwork, they’ve shown up at every single place we’ve stopped.”
“Well, we don’t leave a trail but we are a giant fucking boat in the sky. We’re not hard to miss.”
“No, it can’t be that.”
“Ha, well it’s not like we can count on Norton to find out.”
“Yeah. Guess not.”
Chapter 32
The folks at Thingee wished us well and sent us on our way with a bunch of screwdrivers shaped like R2-D2. We debated it, but in the end decided it would be too awkward to warn them about the impending cockslug armageddon that would leave them just another bland, generic storefront in the Nasteria empire.
“Goodbye,” Aoelh said solemnly as we floated away. We watched them wave goodbye, their innocent faces smiling with happiness and the ignorance of what was to come.
I couldn’t help but wonder how we might preserve these little oases. I looked behind as we sailed away and saw storm clouds gathering in the distance.
Chapter 33
“We just want a map.” We were in hour three of our negotiations with the Grouponians, and things were not going well.
“I’d be happy to help you,” their Lead Dealmaker smiled from her perch in the tree above us, “How about a coupon for 31% off a map at one of our participating retailers when you visit now through July on an odd-numbered Tuesday?”
“I…no. That doesn’t help me.”
“Do you need any false eyelashes? I could get you 40% off.”
“No!”
“Yoga classes? Growler refills? Bike rentals? Real estate licensing? Dinner at a Brazilian steakhouse? Admission to a chocolate festival? Pole dancing classes?”
“Look,” I tried to keep my train of thought, “The Overlords are coming. They’re going to acquire your land. It’ll seem like a great idea at first because you’ll get a bunch of money and they’ll convince you things will stay the same, but they won’t.”
“Oil change? Haunted House tours? Three nights at an oceanfront resort? 72 D batteries?”
“Texas. I need to get back to Texas.”
“Tex Mex? Tex Avery animation cels? Texarkana Massage School Classes?”
“Okay, never mind, we’re leaving. Goodbye. Thanks for nothing.”
“I wanted the false eyelashes,” Goggles gloomed.
Chapter 34
We were packing up the SS Stupid Boat and considering our next move when a cloaked figure waved to me from below. I made my way down to see who it was, and found a stunningly beautiful woman in yoga pants and a tank top that said “Doses and Mimosas” in neon pink ‘80s font.
“You need to be careful,” she told me while idly swiping left on her phone. “Your friends aren’t what they seem.”
“Oh, did Aoelh give you one of those silver discs? I know it’s bizarre, but it’s a custom where he comes from-”
“No. But that is weird. I meant the other one.”
“Goggles? He’s corny, but he means well. I don’t think he’s dishonest.”
“No, the other one.”
“Norton is pretty nuts. Did he tell you he saw a threat or something?”
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE THE OTHER ONE.”
“Geoff? But Geoff isn’t my friend.”
“Exactly.”
“Hey!” It was Geoff. “We’re leaving. You ready?” I turned to ask the woman what she meant, but she was gone.
Chapter 35
We arrived in the city of Eg, a bustling metropolis full of life and people shouting their opinions very loudly. I was thrilled to discover this land of shared ideas, knowledge, and opinion but my heart sank soon after we arrived and I discovered it to be little more than a mud pit into which people waded to shout down folks they disagreed with and punch each other unconscious to prove their point.
I posted a general inquiry if anyone could point me back to Texas, back to home, to my shady business partner who’d left me at that roadside men’s room so long ago, but a man with a frog head tattooed on his face called me a cuck and punched me in the jaw.
Aoelh laughed at that.
Chapter 36
I noticed the folks of Eg were discussing the encroaching “#slugpocalypse,” and was surprised at not only the resignation but bored acceptance. The ongoing homogenization of this world was just the latest catastrophe exploding into the city’s awareness, and this place seemed to feed off catastrophe.
A woman chastised me for prioritizing this over the gentrification of urban neighborhoods and the rent crisis. Another told me that until every rescue pit bull had a home, she couldn’t be bothered to worry. Some guy accused me of being a Russian bot. Someone else kept asking me to “slide into their DMs,” which sounded too gross to investigate further.
And a lot of people dressed like stuffed animals angrily yelled at me to accept their lifestyle despite the fact that I never said anything about it in the first place. The government here swears this place is the richest in the region but I can’t for the life of me figure out how anyone makes money.
Finally, a lead: a portal! In a jungle! Sure, a million other people said it was a million other places, but this one had that “urban legend” vibe that made it feel like it might just be real.
I told Goggles to lock in the course.
/giphy uhhhh ok
Thanks for doing this again, @dave.
That’s the most accurate take on SomethingAwful that I’ve ever seen. But you should have snuck a 'LOL, BANNED. HOPE YOU GOT 10BUX" in there.
(been a goon for …jesus…14 years)
is this no longer updating?
I wanted to check a few chapters I missed.
Update please…I read 30 chapters, then…crickets
@1bmf @ekw Sorry, I fell behind! I’m glad to know someone’s reading it, I’ll try to get this updated in the next hour. Ok, there’s through 35 and I’ll work on the rest in a bit.
@dave Thank you! It’s pretty interesting and was helping me make it thru this work day. When you stopped, I actually had to work.
@dave thank you. I missed a few chapters when they were coming every 5 minutes and I was actually trying to do some work!
@ekw Me, too!
This is great and I can’t wait to read the rest of it. (Even if it skips over the Onion and the AVclub as part of Univision/Gawkerland. Though I suppose that makes sense).
Chapter 37
The SS Stupid Boat pulled into the port of Farkus for a quick piss break and a chance to check the latest news. The place reminded me a bit of the land of Sa, which put me immediately on edge due to the psychological scars those dicks had inflicted on us, but Goggles assured me these folks would be slightly more welcoming.
The news was dire. Ogle, Grouponia, Snarksports, even Sa itself had fallen to the dickslugs. For every person speaking of the growing menace in hushed whispers, there were two praising the change and boasting of enhanced synergies, whatever that meant. Sa had been stripped down to a shell of itself, its once proud-but-misanthropic people reduced to sharing the same stale, sad memes as everyone else in Nasteria.
“I don’t see why you’re upset,” Geoff told me as we watched the Farkian villagers build a Millennium Falcon out of LEGOs, “Those people are better off now. They have access to so much more in terms of resources and reach. More people will hear about them and their culture now.” We made our way back to the ship and prepared to depart, debating the whole way.
“But their culture will just be dickslug culture.”
“That’s not true. The Overlords promise every new acquisition that nothing will change.”
“Yeah, I know they say that, but it changes. It always does.”
“You’re just cynical,” Geoff chuckled at me, “You don’t see the good in anyone.”
“I literally woke up with you groping me while I was tied down in a truckstop men’s room.”
“And nothing bad happened after that, right?” Geoff threw off the last of the ropes tying us to the dock while Goggles steered us gently out of Farkus airspace.
“Everything bad happened after that! And it’s because of you!” There. It was out. Geoff knew I didn’t trust him. Of course, why he ever thought I trusted him was beyond me.
“You think I’m telling them where we are?”
“I think you’ve been reporting back to the Overlords this entire time. We’re just mapping out their expansion for them.” A cold, angry silence hung between us as Geoff fumed. I realized that this probably killed any hope of him helping me find my way back, but that suddenly didn’t matter as much as stopping the Overlords. I thought hard about my options and how I could shake Geoff without incurring their wrath.
Then he punched me in the mouth.
Chapter 38
I reeled backwards from Geoff’s sucker punch with stars swimming in front of my eyes. Before I could get my bearings he threw himself into my chest.
“You fucker! You absolute dick! You think I’m some kind of spy? I didn’t even want to be here!” He rained fists down on me while I tried to cover up as best I could. The noise from the struggle brought the rest of the crew to the deck.
“I detect a threat!” Norton screamed as he flung himself at Geoff, trying to free me from his grasp. Geoff ducked the blow and threw his arm out, jabbing an elbow into Norton’s face. The shriek that erupted from Norton told me his nose was likely broken as he crumpled backward.
I twisted underneath Geoff, leveraging my hips and driving upward to throw him off balance. He stopped hitting me long enough to throw his hands down and break his fall, allowing me to free myself and fire three kicks into his ribs while he was splayed on the floor.
“Stop! Stop!” Goggles was frantically trying to keep the peace, but it was too late. This had all erupted way too fast, and it was going to end ugly. The deck of the ship listed wildly with no one at the wheel to counteract the wind. I fell onto Geoff’s back as he tried to stand, wrapping my arms around his neck to try and choke him out.
“Threat! I detect a threat!” Norton was up, blood streaming from his nose, pointing at Geoff.
“I know he’s a threat you idiot!” I yelled back while hanging on for dear life to Geoff’s throat.
“No-” before Norton could finish, Geoff dropped his weight and threw himself forward, hurling me over his shoulders and into the doctor. The impact nearly knocked me out, and as I tried to stand I saw Geoff sprinting toward me, screaming. For a split second time slowed down; I weighed my options before doing the only thing I could.
I ducked.
Geoff hurled himself over the rail of the ship, falling to the Farkian plains below.
“How’s that for a threat detected, Norton?” I chuckled, dusting myself off. “How’s your nose?”
There was no answer. Goggles stared at me, dumbstruck. The ship sailed on.
Chapter 39
We all took Norton’s death hard. The morale among Goggles, Aoelh, and I plummeted. We barely spoke, even as we arrived in the skyport of Chanland. Geoff’s attack had been sudden, but not entirely unexpected. Goggles agreed that there wasn’t much we could’ve done to prevent his falling. But Norton had been nothing but loyal. And paranoid. But mostly loyal. His death, being knocked overboard when Geoff threw me into him, felt senseless.
My half-hearted joke that at least we didn’t have to hear him declaring there was some kind of threat aboard went over really poorly.
Chanland was probably the worst place we could’ve visited in that frame of mind. Sa had seemed like a nihilistic place, but the inhabitants of Chanland were psychotic by comparison. They greeted us with glee as we tied up, and each person we questioned for directions to the jungle portal we’d heard about seemed incredulous that we would try to avoid the Overlords.
“They’re going to conquer everything and turn it all into milquetoast,” one snorted, “It’s going to be hilarious.”
“But they’ll ruin you guys. For all your faults, you have one of the freest societies we’ve encountered! The Overlords will change all of that, no matter what you’ve heard. You think you’re going to get to talk about your homemade converted-power-tool masturbation aids when they own everything?
“Goodbye,” chimed in Aoelh. But the very fact that we cared seemed to be the driving force for their embracing the Overlords. When pressed to take some sort of stand or hold a genuine opinion, they’d only respond with “lol” or “lul” or “kek.” It wasn’t that we couldn’t reach them, it was that they refused to be reached.
“Don’t you understand? You’re losing everything that makes your home…I mean not great, per se, but unique.”
“Whatevs,” an anonymous resident replied, “No one bothered us before. They won’t bother us after.” I started to wonder if evading the Overlords was worth it at all.
Chapter 40
Chanland frustrated us with conflicting information regarding the portal back home. The Anon people were frustratingly rude, obtuse, unhelpful, or just non-responsive. They had no time for us as outsiders, except to thank us for bringing the Overlords to them.
“You’ve been running from the Overlords this whole time,” one Anon told us while washing a crotchless Sonic the Hedgehog costume, “When really you should be running towards them.”
“You’ve got mail,” Aoelh chimed in. Their flippant attitude was wearing off on him. It was time to leave.
Chapter 41
We pored over the ancient libraries of Imgurnon, searching for some clue of this fabled portal that might help me find my way back home. Goggles was in his element, and the work seemed to distract him from missing his friend Norton.
There were pictures of literally everything one could imagine: cute dogs, babies, car accident victims, sunsets, pornography, embarrassing family photos, and more. The peculiar customs of the library dictated that the information behind each photo’s origin be deleted upon its inclusion, so tracking things down was a tedious process of comparing and contrasting the images we found worthwhile.
“Welcome,” Aoelh said as he showed me a photo. The buildings looked familiar, like an old warehouse I’d known a lifetime ago back in Texas, but they were covered with overgrown plant life.
Almost like a rain forest.
Chapter 42
“I don’t understand any of this, Dan Fogelberg,” Goggles was trying to make sense of the image. “How can your Texas on Earth exist in Monolito?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know how any of this works. But I know that warehouse! That’s where I started working with my business mentor! That’s where I met the guy who abandoned me on the side of the road before I woke up in your world. That’s gotta be my way back! Where is this place? How do we get there?”
“It’s long been forbidden country,” Goggles voice lowered, “No one goes to the Wootazon.”
Chapter 43
“Wow, this place looks just like I remembered,” I said under my breath as we walked off the SS Stupid Boat. The office park was clean, cleaner than it had ever seemed when I worked for that goofball selling infrared butt hole waxers or whatever.
“I’ve heard about this place,” Goggles said as we hiked through the parking lot, “But I never thought I’d live to see it. I’d heard it’d been destroyed.”
“Destroyed? You’re crazy. Woot’s going strong. Obviously they must’ve gotten their hands on some interdimensional portal thingy and beamed their way over here. Probably higher margins.”
“Why do you keep calling it that?”
“Woot? That’s…I mean that’s the name of it. What the hell do you call it?”
“I’ve never heard it called anything but Wootazon.”
“Huh. Well maybe it’s just a translation error or something.”
“Welcome,” Aoelh said as he pointed to the group of people approaching us from the building entrance.
Chapter 44
“Hello!” a smiling man in a Wootazon polo shirt and khakis beamed at us as he approached, flanked by two other men in Wootazon polos. And a woman in a Wootazon polo. They were followed by a dozen more smiling people in Wootazon polo shirts.
“Uh, hi. My name’s Dan. Dan Fogelberg. No relation.”
“Hahaha! Dan Fogelberg! That is a fun-sounding name you share with a musician from yesteryear! Good joke!” The man laughed while a woman to his left tapped on an iPad. “We will note that comical reference in the upcoming quarterly report!”
“Okay, cool. Um, so this is going to sound weird but do you guys know how I might get back to Texas? I’ve heard there may be some sort of portal or something. I’ve journeyed really, really far. And we’re being chased by dickslugs. There was a brief pause as the woman with the iPad whispered something into the leader’s ear.
“Don’t mess with Texas! Haha! We like brisket! And Austin is a fun city!”
“What?” I looked to Goggles, who seemed nervous. Aoelh shrugged.
“These are all valid Texas datapoints I am saying! The people of Wootazon are nothing if not relatable geeks!”
“Dan,” Goggles whispered to me, “I think something here is off.”
Chapter 45
The Wootazon folks were nice enough, but something seemed just a tad askew.
“What’s up with the polo shirts?”
“What do you mean, friend Dan Fogelberg? We love Wootazon, and celebrate it through brand-style-guide-approved work wear!” The smiles were starting to feel really creepy.
“It seems a little corporate is all. Don’t you guys make t-shirts?”
“Of course! We print all manner of internet meme and pop culture reference, crossbred with adorable chibi animals, onto beautiful American Apparel-like t-shirts. Then we pass the savings onto our friends, the Wootazoners.”
“You mean Wooters.”
“I mean Wootazoners! That is how our awesome community of folks have come to call themselves as they browse our ever-growing inventory of discounted electronics, wine, sports gear, kids toys, home and garden supplies, and kitchen appliances!” How the hell did this guy talk so fast?
“Ever-growing inventory? I thought you guys sell one thing a day.”
“We do! We sell up to 6,000 single things a day, and replenish our inventory with a new offer when one sells out! We are the original deal-a-day community!”
“But that’s not a deal a day. That’s…lots of deals.”
“Yes! Research indicates selling more than one item increases customer satisfaction AND profits! Do you have a problem with profits?” The question had an edge. I decided not to press it further.
“Right, so is the big boss man around? He might be able to help me. We actually go back, he was my mentor for awhile before-”
“The founder went away to live on a peaceful farm with his friends and family and still loves Wootazon with his entire heart but cannot come within 5000 miles of the country.”
“Oh. Shit. Well where can I-”
“You cannot see him. Ever.”
“Well what about any of the other old timers? Toon? Joel? Luke? Darold? Derek? Lisa?” He shook his head as I rattled off a dozen more names. This didn’t make sense. It didn’t add up. This wasn’t the place I knew. This was some hollow sham, a corpse being puppeted like some ghastly marionette.
“I can see you have your doubts,” polo shirt guy leaned in to whisper. “Would you like me to prove that we’re the real deal?”
“Uh, sure,” I said, not sure what else I could do but go along with him.
“Follow me,” he said, “I have some people I think you’ll be happy to see.”
Chapter 46
Polo shirt guy led me into the heart of the warehouse and down what seemed like 20 flights of stairs into a dank room with stale air that reeked of sweat, shit, and fear. I scanned the room for anything I could use as a weapon, because I figured he was bringing me here to murder me. His sing-songy voice was as cheerful as ever though.
“Oh boooooys,” he chimed, “you have a viiiiiisitor!” Two hulking shapes loomed in the darkest corner of the room. At his call, they lurched toward us, their footsteps heavy and muffled on the concrete.
“Hey Dan Fogelberg, user 1109283,” huffed the shape on the left in a breathless grunt. It labored under its own weight, and his voice seemed muffled. It was low, raspy, like Harvey Firestein after a night at a cigar bar.
“Good to see you again old buddy,” squealed the other. Its voice was shrill, nasal, like Edith Bunker hitting a high note. It stretched out its arms, grotesque and zombie-like. I backpedaled.
“Who the fuck are these guys?” I lost my cool, stumbling over a box of iPhone speaker docks and falling on my ass. The two leaned over and peered down at me. The details snapped into focus: the hoods, the capes, the fur was matted with blood and feces but the combination was enough to bring my memory gurgling back from the deep well of my lizard brain. As if on cue, they spoke in unison.
“It’s your pals Mortimer and Monte!” The room spun and my stomach lurched. I turned to wretch, and polo shirt went on as if nothing happened.
“I think he’s over-excited to see you guys,” he chirped.
“Get the fuck away from me!” I shrieked. The monkeys didn’t listen. They just kept shuffling forward.
I couldn’t tell if the screaming was coming from them or me.
Chapter 47
I fumbled for the door but in the low light from a single lightbulb swinging by its cord I missed. The Mortimer-homunculus grasped at my back.
“Where ya goin’, friend? You get to stay down here with us now!” he grunted with the effort. I ducked and ran, smashing into something hard on the wall. I heard the crack of plastic. A fire box! I smashed the rest of the panel and grabbed the axe inside.
“You’re not Mortimer and Monte!” I said, brandishing the axe, “Get away from me!”
“Sure we are,” hissed the Monte-doppelganger, “We’re just…better now.”
“Focus-tested,” Mortimer wheezed, “without all those rough edges.” With a scream he dove at me. He was shockingly fast, given how labored his movement had been up until now. Not fast enough. I brought the axe down with a gruesome crunch into the center of his spine. His arms went limp around my waist and he fell, dead weight, wailing in agony.
Monte took the opportunity to hurl a speaker dock at my face, splitting my forehead open. Blood dripped into my eyes and obscured my vision. I scanned the room furiously but he was on my back before I could react. I felt his hands tighten around my throat. I jabbed the axehandle into his ribs. He cried out, but didn’t let go. I started seeing stars, and I could feel my muscles burning from the lack of oxygen.
The axe fell from my hands, my fingers unable to grip it. My focus started to drift. I felt further and further away from body. The blood rushing to my head went from a roar to a dull, distant ring. I closed my eyes, accepting it.
Monte screamed. It was a hideous, feral scream that ended in a gurgling croak as he slumped against the wall and fell to the ground, releasing me and clutching feebly at his neck. I gasped for breath and fell to my knees to regain my strength. I saw the knife in his throat. Standing over him was Aoelh.
“Th…thank you,” I gasped.
“Welcome,” he replied.
“Where’s polo shirt?” He shrugged. There was no sign of the guy in the room. “Come on,” I said as I grabbed the fireaxe, “we have to find Goggles and get out of here.”
Chapter 48
Aoelh had rescued me from two grotesque Mortimer and Monte impostors, and now we had to find Goggles before we could escape Wootazon. While everything looked the same outside, inside was a different story. It was a sprawling labyrinth choked with vines, vegetation, and some sort of techno-organic tendrils that glowed with a sickly yellow light.
Then we saw them.
Amazombies. Thousands of them. They were in perfect 3.5’ x 3.5’ cubes, lined in rows that went on to the horizon. The impossible geometry of this place nearly broke my brain. Each one stared at a screen. Tubes fed into their heads and out of their asses. Their muscles were atrophied and nonexistent.
“Where is he?!” I shouted. They didn’t so much as look up. I lifted the axe and brought it down quickly on an Amazombie’s monitor. The screen exploded in a shower of sparks, and immediately it began screaming.
“Unproductive! Unproductive!” It sounded like it was in terrible agony. Aoelh shot me a judgmental look, but I assured him I hadn’t hit flesh.
Tendrils descended from the ceiling, pulsing with yellow light as they coiled around the creature’s neck. With a terrible snapping sound, it went silent and limp. They pulled the body up into the ceiling. Shortly, they returned, bringing a new body and replacing the monitor setup. It immediately went to work staring at its screen without so much as acknowledging us.
“Hello, Dan Fogelberg,” a soft, effeminate voice echoed from the air around us.
“Who is that? Where are you? What have you done with my friend Goggles?”
“I am everywhere. And I know what you want.” The rows of cubes suddenly split, parting into two separate sections and spreading out to leave a path wide enough to walk. Aoelh shot me a fearful look. “Come,” the voice said.
We started walking down the path.
@dave Mortimer! Monte! No!!!
Chapter 49
We walked down the path that had suddenly materialized for us deep inside the guts of Wootazon, past endless rows of enslaved coders, designers, and product managers chained to their monitors. I carried the fireaxe close, but no one seemed to even notice Aoelh and I, let alone attack us. The soft voice that had parted the sea of Amazombies beckoned us on.
“You’re almost here, Dan Fogelberg.”
“No relation,” I said out of habit.
“I know,” the voice responded. I know all about you. I know your name, where you live, your purchase history, your hopes, your dreams, and I know how you can get home.” We stopped at a wall of tendrils blocking the path. Before I could say anything, they slithered and writhed apart, revealing a golden pillar standing 20 feet tall and easily 50 feet wide.
Atop the pillar sat a whirling, writhing mass of slugs shaped like dicks.
Chapter 50
“You,” I said to the squirming ball of dickslugs, “It was you Overlords the entire time!”
“No, Dan Fogelberg, you still don’t understand,” the voice echoed through the chamber around us. “We are no mere Overlords.”
“Well then what are you?”
“We are Overlord Prime.”
“What do you want?”
“To be alpha and omega. To consume all. To be the only entity in existence. To that end, thank you for your cooperation. You have led us to far-flung corners of this world, making it easy to acquire more souls.”
“I’m not helping you! How have you been following me?”
“The cookie.”
“What cookie?”
“The chip in your head,” the reply hung like smoke in the air between Aoelh and I. “Your ally Geoff gave us insight into your every move when he implanted the chip while you slept.” I could feel the rage building in my throat.
“So he did work for you.”
“No. Geoff was a well-meaning patsy. He believed in the goal of making life easier for the citizens of Monolito through gentrifying every continent and homogenizing them into one singular entity. No passports, no currency exchanges, no competing interests. Your accusation hurt him, and his anger led to his death. But he was no spy.”
“Oh,” I said, my voice cracking, “oh shit.”
Chapter 51
Aoelh stood by my side as we stared down the Overlord Prime, a gigantic mass of dick-shaped slugs hellbent on assimilating the entire universe.
“The citizens of the last holdout on Ogle have been defeated. Their strength is added to mine,” the disembodied slugdick voice chittered with excitement. “They are already convincing themselves the added convenience is worth it.”
“Ogle has to be thousands of miles away,” I said, “How can you possibly know that?”
“We are everywhere. Thanks to you our reach expands ever further,” as if to accentuate the point, the creeping tentacles lining the walls slithered into view. “We can communicate instantly with all under our thrall through cookies like the one implanted in your head. You will submit, or you will die like your friend.”
The wall heaved and more tendrils leapt out to produce a large Gold Box and place it before me. I slid the lid off as if it were a sarcophagus. Inside was Goggles, dead. His face was frozen forever in an expression of terror.
“His knowledge will be added to ours. His strengths assimilated into our own. We will provide even better services to our users. They will have no reason to seek another option.”
“Another option? Like the Overlords in Nasteria? They’re your competition?”
“Haha,” the voice laughed coolly, “You still don’t understand. They are just another half of the same coin. We Overlords grow relentlessly, assimilating all in our path. One day I will consume them too. Or they will consume me. It doesn’t matter. The end result is the same: cultural entropy.”
“The people will rebel! They won’t use your technology!”
“What choice will they have?” My eyes met Aoelh’s. He nodded solemnly. He knew what I was thinking.
“Goodbye.”
Chapter 52
It came to this. Me and my trusty ward Aoelh faced the greatest menace the universe had ever seen: giant slugdicks that wanted control over literally every aspect of life itself. The Overlord Prime. I nodded to Aoelh and we leapt into action.
I swung the fireaxe viciously into the nearest glowing tendril, splitting it with a sickening thump. It writhed wildly, and I swung at the next. Aoelh produced a nearly limitless supply of his useless silver discs, and suddenly I realized their worth. He fired them in rapid succession, the razor-sharp edges shearing tendrils and tentacles and vines with ease.
We were whirling dervishes, all axe blades and death. The sickly yellow glow in the tentacles leaked out with each wound, but the Overlord Prime seemed unable to stop us.
“What are you doing,” it hissed, “Stop it!” Tendrils slapped feebly at us, but the initial shock had taken the Overlord back. “You don’t know the damage you’ll do!”
“I have a pretty good idea,” I grunted through clenched teeth. And I kept chopping.
Chapter 53
The floor was slippery with thick, viscous, yellow blood seeping from the hundreds of alien tentacles Aoelh and I were rapidly ripping apart. The dickslugs calling themselves Overlord Prime writhed on their pedestal in terror.
“You’ve severed our control link with the island of Zapponia!” they hissed as I hacked through a tendril. Aoelh slashed a tentacle reaching for me before it could wrap around my leg. We were making headway, but more tendrils were growing to take their place.
“-doing it!” a voice, not Overlord Prime, burst into my mind. It was familiar, from somewhere far away and long ago.
“Who is that?” I yelled over the chaos of hacking and slashing.
“Can you hear us?”
“Yes! Who are you?”
“You’ve broken their control link! The flow of information goes both ways now! We can hear you too!”
“Then listen to me!” I yelled, “There’s only one way we’re going to beat this thing!”
Chapter 54
Momentum was on our side as Aoelh and I fought the Overlord Prime, but we had to unite the people everywhere if we were going to succeed. Overlord Prime would just regrow and come back stronger, otherwise.
“You’ll lose the ability to ship things for free!” it bellowed, hoping to convince us to stop.
“Wait, seriously? I use that all the time!” Our allies weren’t traitors, but they had grown fat on the easy life with Overlord Prime running things.
“You won’t be able to order groceries from work and have them waiting for you at home!”
“Shit, I don’t have time to go to the store. Let’s talk this through.”
“Focus!” I yelled back through the cookie linking all of us.
“I’m just saying. I mean I like freedom but come on.”
“Would you really sacrifice the vibrant diversity of your world just for convenient groceries?!” I was losing patience with these guys.
“Yeah. Wait. Which way are you trying to argue?” I sighed as I chopped my way closer to the slugs.
Chapter 55
We were flagging. Turns out fighting an regenerating tentacle monster with nothing but a fire axe and some CDs is exhausting. Aoelh slipped in the yellow blood of Overlord Prime and fell. A tendril lashed out and grabbed him by the neck, choking him.
“All your work and still we grow stronger,” Overlord Prime boasted. Aoelh squirmed, unable to free himself. I tried to make my way to him but soon found myself entangled as well. We only had one shot left. I fired up the cookie linking me with the citizens of Monolito.
Surfers of the Internet, I am Dan Fogelberg!
“Like the singer?”
“No. Focus! Listen! I came from a land not unlike yours! A land called Texas! A land of freedom! The freedom to choose!
“We have choice now! I can choose anything and Overlord Prime provides it!”
“But at what cost? Listen, you want your weird, fun, interesting, even dangerous corners of the internet to continue on and thrive, but free of corporate money and influence! What will you do without the SCP Foundation? Or The Useless Web? Or Digg?
“No one uses Digg any more!”
“I still go there ironically!”
“Whatever. Look, if we accept defeat it’s true: not much will change for most of us. We’ll go about our lives, we’ll watch Peep Show episodes on YouTube, and we’ll argue over the redeeming qualities of the latest iteration of the Joker in the DC Cinematic Universe. At least for awhile. And sharing your upvotes, hunched at your desk, would you be willing to trade your universal sign-in credentials using Facebook, across all the websites from LinkedIn to PornHub, to tell the corporate stiffs that they may literally buy up literally every unique idea on the internet…BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE THIS CRAPPY DEAL-A-DAY SITE UNLESS IT’S A REALLY REALLY REALLY INSANE AMOUNT OF MONEY?!
The silence was deafening.
Chapter 56
Overlord Prime had us in the palm of its…tentacles. How dickslugs from another dimension had tentacles, I don’t know, but I didn’t have time to consider the question as I was rapidly losing consciousness.
“You’ll join us,” Overlord Prime cooed in my ear, “you’ll be assimilated. Welcome to the family.”
Suddenly, a shiver.
The grip around my neck loosened for a split second.
“What is happening?” Overlord Prime hissed. “People are…leaving?!” One by one, the citizens of Monolito, so resigned to being subsumed by the rising tide of Overlord Prime, were walking away. They were logging off. They were choosing not to use the most convenient technology in the world.
And it hurt Overlord Prime.
“No, this can’t happen. Perpetual growth is required to sustain us!” The creatures shrank and retreated, leaving Aoelh and I suddenly free. I grabbed the axe.
“Let’s finish this,” I told Aoelh. He only nodded.
Chapter 57
“Wait!” Overlord Prime squealed as I approached it, axe in hand. “We can send you home! We can help free you!” After all this, finally, home was within reach.
“I’m listening.”
The ball of slugs shrank, revealing that the pedestal beneath them wasn’t just a pedestal.
It was a door.
“Holy shit,” I said, dumbfounded, “the fabled door desk.”
“This door served as our portal between your world and ours. It allowed us to expand our reach, to amass our power. We will let you use it to return home, if you spare us.” The mass of dickslugs writhed uncontrollably, either in fear or anticipation. I turned to Aoelh, who was soaked in the monsters’ yellow blood.
“What do you think, buddy?” I asked. “This is what we’ve worked so hard to find. This is my ticket home.” He stood silently, stoic as ever, silver discs in his hands.
“Yeah, me either,” I said, and swung the axe down onto the door. The wood splintered into pieces as Overlord Prime screamed in terror.
Chapter 58
Cleaning up the rest of Overlord Prime was easy. Drained of its power and influence, the slugs that made up its physical form fell easily to the axe once no one was left plugged in to its network to feed it.
It was bittersweet. We had won freedom for Monolito. But if Overlord Prime was correct, I had also given up my only way home.We spent the next days freeing the Amazombies of Wootazon from their cubes. They wandered out into the sunlight, blinking and confused as to their newfound freedom and what to do with it.
I told Aoelh he was free to leave, and of course he stayed by my side. Faithful as always. He still didn’t speak more than a few words, but we shared a bond few would ever know. Wootazon had too many memories, good and bad, associated with it. We couldn’t stay here.
For one last time we packed up the SS Stupid Boat and set sail, looking for somewhere to call home.
Chapter 59
The air smelled sweet when we touched down on a fertile plain. We disembarked cautiously, but soon smiling faces greeted us as people made their way to welcome us to their community.
This place wasn’t on any of Goggles’ maps. It was uncharted territory. But it felt familiar. Comfortable. Not quite as good as home, but what could ever be?
“Greetings,” a small woman bade us while we entered the village center. I figured this was finally his moment to shine, but Aoelh just waved.
“Uh, hi. I’m Dan Fogelberg. My friend Aoelh and I are travelers, and we’ve-”
“Oh, we know who you are! The chieftain has talked of you and your battle against Overlord Prime for many nights now!”
“Oh. Chieftain?”
“Hello, Danny boy,” a familiar voice spoke from over my shoulder.
“No. Fucking. Way.” I turned to see for myself, and there he stood. I swallowed.
“Snapster.”
Almost midnight on the East Coast, and a conclusion seems imminent! I predict Irk.
Chapter 60
I caught up with my mentor, the man who’d left me all those years ago in a roadside bathroom, over many nights of feasting and storytelling. We told him about our journey, the friends we’d made and the friends we’d lost. The people we’d seen, and the wide range of colorful characters inhabiting Monolito.
(He told us a ton of awesome shit, too. Which is kind of a shame because I’m writing this under a really tight deadline and he’s notoriously difficult to pin down via email to get him to approve stuff whenever I try to put words in his mouth, so you’ll just have to trust me that all your favorite old Snapster-isms were in full effect. Go ahead and imagine your own, too. He doesn’t mind. If someone with talent wants to take the time, go ahead and make a Snapster-email-generator app that pairs a random drug/alcohol brand/reference with a sexual euphemism and combines it with either 69, 420, or some combination of xxX or something. Then end with an @ and a really serious/prestigious company name. You’ll probably make a million bucks.)
He stopped me at the mention of Monolito, though.
“You know Dan,” he said wistfully as he
took a massive bong ripsighed peacefully, “Monolito isn’t the true name for this place. I was pulled through the same portal that brought you here, but because time is convoluted I was stranded much longer before you arrived.”“Should I go back and point that out because people will poke holes in the story when I-”
“Nah, don’t sweat it,” he said, “But the actual name of this magical realm is Xorriyadda.”
“What does Xorriyadda mean?”
“I won’t say, because it’s more fun for someone to go choose a search engine to find the answer and post it in the forums so they can feel smart.”
“Choose a search engine? Why not just Goo-”
“Ah! No. Here in Xorriyadda we’re a bit anti-corporate-monolith. Sure, people can use that particular search engine if they so choose. But they’re free to choose any other, and encouraged to choose one that won’t be inclined to prioritize results from places it already owns or gets ad money from.”
“Does Xorriyadda mean ‘pedantic’ in Russian?”
“No. And wrong language. But funny! We’re building something here, Dan. What it will eventually be, no one knows, which is why I’m having trouble landing investors, but I want you to be a part of it.”
“I don’t have any-”
“Not as an investor. As a partner. And a friend. You and that weird little dude with all the CDs could find a home here, if you want.”
“Well, Aoelh?” I called out to my friend, “What do you think of Xorriyadda?”
The small man turned to us, a beautiful lake shimmering in the fading twilight behind him, and opened his mouth to speak.
“Meh.”
Or Liberty, depends on how you squint at the Somalian
@awilkey - Oops, sorry. Decided not to ruin others’ fun. Should I put it back?
Okay, I will.
It means freedom.
@KDemo
/giphy freedom
@KDemo I probably should have been removed, but gremlins are in my modem tonight. shakes a fist in anger
I enjoyed reading that, but now the day is over and I still have to do everything I had to do when I woke up.
Also, this is great (from uselessweb) http://beesbeesbees.com/
@Pantheist that gif doesn’t get old. I love it.
are @dave and @thumperchick collaborators or different pen names used by the same author?
@Yoda_Daenerys We are posters of the story that @llandar wrote. (Ok, I also had some early ideas and direction on the story.)
@dave
@Yoda_Daenerys I’m just making sure the great tale of Dan Fogelberg is witnessed by as many people as possible. @llandar did a great job on this.
@Thumperchick Awww, you.
You lost me at:
Sometimes wikipedia isn’t accurate on the history of how things started, so I’m glad you published the full true story.