The Bland Challenge
5Current Challenge: Describe your favorite film/TV show/book in the blandest and most unappealing way possible.
WHAT’S GOING ON HERE??
The basics: We’re doing a little April Fools’ Day game, asking our users to complete a series of ridiculous, stupid, and fun (we hope) photography/writing/drawing tasks throughout the day.
But why: Because April Fools’ Day has grown tiresome. Sure, maybe we laughed the first few years that corporations took on the challenge of lying to their customers. But then, we got to the point where Continental was tweeting about their new airliner constructed entirely from bacon or whatever and it got a little old. We want to celebrate April Fools’ Day in a fun way.
Okay, but why on March 31st: Because you’re more likely to be tethered to your computer on a Friday than a Saturday.
Will there be winners: Yes! The winner will be whoever gets the most votes on their entry!
Will there be prizes: Yes! The pride of knowing you had some fun on the internet!
So, there won’t be prizes: Correct. Anyway, we hope you enjoy yourself.
- 77 comments, 213 replies
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This is one of my favorite movie writeups ever. Saw this on a meme.
The Wizard of Oz
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets, and then teams up with 3 strangers to kill again.
@Bingo Ooh a murder mystery I like it.
@Bingo That is awesome!!!
VAN GOGH! MANGO! TANGO! AWESOME!
@Bingo @Targaryen The mystery is how she’s going to get away with it all.
@Bingo
big bang theory, Meh.
@bullrocky Is this your description or a review?
@Targaryen yes
@bullrocky @Targaryen I approve of this review.
In one of my favorite shows, some people only ever go to work, and some other people don’t ever go to work, but they’re really the same people.
@dave What show is this?
@dave Severance
@dave @jhedlund Ahh I haven’t seen that yet.
@dave @jhedlund @Targaryen I was going to suggest that it also sounds like it could describe Friends or Seinfeld or possibly even “most sit-coms, ever” … but then I realized the “some people only ever go to work” part eliminates that. Most shows don’t accurately portray characters actually going to work.
(New theory: The Simpsons is actually more accurate than most shows, because it shows Homer going to work fairly often.)
Man builds house with his unethusiastic teenage son.
@mbersiam I don’t know this show?
@mbersiam @Targaryen maybe arrested development?
@medz @Targaryen it’s a movie called “Life As a House” one of my favorites but not well-known. It had Hayden Christensen in it before he was in Star Wars
@mbersiam @medz I’ve heard and see it mentioned but never actually watched it.
A group of friends go on a trip to return a lost ring
@northstarcakes4 To Isegard to Isegard the hobbit the hobbits the hobbits…
Stuff happens. There’s a conflict but it resolves. Hilarious.
@brainmist Description and a review at the same time, nice.
@brainmist
Classic! Every sitcom EVER!
Woke daughter spends three hours and multiple realms trying to tell her mom she’s gay, as her grandfather battles his stereotype and can’t accept it, and the girl’s dad is a Cuck, who watches his wife (the mom) make out with Laurie Strode from the original Halloween.
@ioBuddha
@ioBuddha Haven’t seen it yet, don’t spoil it for me!
Two guys drive around Chicagoland trying to raise money for an orphanage.
@hugacrv
@hugacrv on a mission from God?
@medz you must have seen the light
@hugacrv Watch out for The Penguin!
@hugacrv @UnionLiz Ah!.. Blues Brothers.
Amuse yourself waiting for the inevitable heat death of the universe by watching colorful blobs move on a flat surface. Sounds can also be heard.
@awk
@Targaryen I don’t hear any sounds
@awk …boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and boots and pants and…
@awk @Targaryen
Radio psychiatrist repeatedly fails to impress his father and many, many women.
@JuanGonzalez Does this one star Gerard Butler? or Mel Gibson?
@JuanGonzalez Fraiser.
@JuanGonzalez @UnionLiz I haven’t seen that in a long time.
Lots of people hang out at the beach and go on boat rides around the 4th of July and everything works out perfectly well for almost all of them.
@dave
@dave
@dave @hugacrv
@dave @hugacrv Seaquest DSV?
@dave @hugacrv @Targaryen You’re gonna need a bigger boat.
Over a series of 20 books, two men sightsee locations on or near the water
@lehigh What is this?
@Targaryen Aubrey/Maturin series (Master and Commander)
@lehigh I remember watching that one.
@lehigh @Targaryen That is awesome! I’m working through that series.
VAN GOGH! MANGO! TANGO! AWESOME!
The Matrix:
Office drone quits job to take learn philosophy and mysticism while evading the authorities.
@SteelCityExile
Documentary of an office selling reams of paper
@spmedicallake Oh the Office!
a couple gets a flat tire, walk to a castle to call the auto club, eat meatloaf, and dance.
@bullrocky No idea
@bullrocky just a step to the left?
@bullrocky Rocky Horror Picture Show?
@bullrocky @Turken It’s just a jump to the left.
And then a step to the ri-i-i-i-i-ight.
@bullrocky @werehatrack and this is why I don’t even try to dance…
@bullrocky @Turken @werehatrack Footloose?
@Targaryen @Turken @werehatrack rocky horror picture show…
@bullrocky @Turken @werehatrack Ah that makes sense because I’ve never watched it. Always mean to then I forget.
@bullrocky @Targaryen @Turken @werehatrack Just listen to the soundtrack! I don’t actually care for the movie, but it is one of my all-time favorite musicals because the songs are JUST SO GOOD.
@bullrocky @Targaryen @Turken @werehatrack Unless you watch in a theater with a crowd, it’s a silly movie. In a full theater, it’s an EXPERIENCE.
High school girl tries playing an online virtual MMO for the first time, but doesn’t want to get hurt, so puts all her stat points into maximizing defense
(It’s an anime series literally titled “Bofuri: I Don’t Want to Get Hurt, so I’ll Max Out My Defense” And it’s hilarious. haven’t laughed out loud so hard in a long time)
@Turken Sounds interesting. Is it serious or funny? Sounds similar to Sword Art Online.
@Targaryen quite funny. And much much less dying and drama than SAO (which is also a great show).
@Turken I’ll add that to my list.
Family out exploring takes a wrong turn, can’t find way home. (Lost in Space)
@werehatrack
Life aboard a cruise ship, but in space.
@medz What is this one?
@Targaryen star trek TNG, o’course
@medz @Targaryen I thought the description fit Avenue 5 better
@medz I should have known that.
@medz @Targaryen and here I thought it was Wall-E
Two little shits get lost in the woods, there’s a guy that chops wood, a lantern, and one of them sings Potatoes and Molasses. Turns out it’s a dream, maybe, or they almost died. In any case it’s Halloween and one of them is dressed like an elephant
@Arctic_Tern No idea, hint?
@Arctic_Tern Hansel and Gretel?
@Arctic_Tern @UnionLiz Wierd, I only remember the bread crumbs part.
@Arctic_Tern UGH IT’S SO GOOD! Wait, Greg is an elephant? NOW I HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN AND CRY SOME MORE.
This guy takes a girl on a road trip while trying to avoid people that have taken bad shrooms.
@djslack I definitely haven’t watched enough movies.
@Targaryen really, they’ve had mutated shrooms forced upon them, but that didn’t sound bland enough.
@djslack Is it this?
@Targaryen no, and it’s not a movie, and it’s a really shitty description. It would be difficult to have not been exposed to it in 2023.
I’m honestly not even caught up on it, I think I have an episode or two left.
@djslack The Last of Us?
@SteelCityExile yes
@djslack Never saw it, have barely heard of it, and what’s described here is now everything that I know about it.
Pass.
@werehatrack it’s actually pretty good watching. I don’t go for much TV. Don’t give a shit about zombie shows. Didn’t play the game. So far I think the show does a good job of storytelling and creating this world. The zombies are mostly just scenery, set dressing, and the occasional plot point. But no problem if it’s not for you.
What could possibly go wrong if we just get in the phonebooth with this rude, chain-smoking psychopath from the future?
@snotbottom Doctor Who?
@Targaryen Bill & Ted
Two friends bring their towels on an off-world excursion.
@medz Ah this should be Hitchihiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Comedy sketches featuring a guest host.
@medz SNL?
@Targaryen
Man escapes from a chain gang when he hears that his wife is getting remarried.
@j2 Shawshank Redemption?
@j2 Nope nevermind I’m wrong.
@j2 Oh Brother Where Out Thou?
@j2 @UnionLiz Nice.
@j2 @Targaryen @UnionLiz
a re-telling of the Odyssey
Cute, yet feisty, teddy bears wage war to aid rebellious squad.
@JWhirly Gummi Bears?
@JWhirly Return of the Jedi
@Targaryen well played! Hadn’t thought about that one!
@JWhirly @Targaryen I thought the Care Bears first, but the Gummi Bears is a better fit.
(although the ewoks probably do more to “aid rebellious squad.”)
Two best friends living with their parents in their 30s start a successful influencer channel from a basement studio.
@KingMarty42 Wayne’s World
@KingMarty42 @medz Good one.
Five children living in an idyllic mountain town have misadventures and learn things.
One of them often dies in an anachronist fashion.
@UnionLiz Southpark
@UnionLiz @werehatrack Damn got it before I did.
A man struggling with identity, bored of his life sucking corporate job, gets beaten up a lot. On purpose.
@LordSalem Fight Club
(oshit, I mentioned Fight Club outside of Fight Club, I R DOOMED)
@LordSalem @werehatrack Hey can I join?
@LordSalem @Targaryen @werehatrack You know the first rule.
@LordSalem @pakopako @Targaryen @werehatrack SOMEONE has been talking about Fight Club.
A high school science teacher gets sick and needs money so he starts a bake sale.
@actionjacksn04 Fast food chicken empire expands into lucrative chemistry market.
@actionjacksn04 @chuckzbt Poignant satire about the American Healthcare System.
@actionjacksn04 Oh uh…Breaking Bad?
A law enforcement officer has to go talk to a criminal in jail to get help catching another criminal who’s not in jail.
@djslack the “original” or the prequel that came out earlier with different actors entirely?
@lehigh I’m guessing the “original”. I didn’t realize there were actually five related films.
@djslack Silence of the Lambs?
@Targaryen yep
@djslack @Targaryen recommend Manhunter if you haven’t seen it… Michael Mann mood masterpiece
@djslack @Targaryen Doesn’t Dexter also mostly match that description?
(I haven’t actually seen either of these, so I’m basing this on pop culture references I’ve picked up over the years. And Wikipedia.)
(And, as I’m trying to verify that I’m thinking of the right thing, I’m pretty Dexter isn’t the one. But I’m not sure which show I am thinking of. And TVTropes isn’t helping me nearly as much as I hoped it would.)
@xobzoo I read some of the Dexter books but never watched the show. From them I wouldn’t make that connection. More of a cop is also a serial killer so he knows how to get away with it thing.
But a properly bland description of many stories probably does sound like a lot of others, considering some parts of Hollywood’s general avoidance of new and different.
@djslack @Targaryen @xobzoo You might be thinking of “Prodigal Son” with Michael Sheen & Tom Payne…?
A real estate’s estranged husband—an agro New York police officer—flys to Los Angeles to show up at her office holiday party. Things go from wrong to worse.
@perred Nakatomi Plaza will never be the same.
@chuckzbt @perred A holiday tradition.
Grandfather and grandson have adventures, sometimes involving the rest of the family.
@chuckzbt Will there be pickles?
@chuckzbt @patwhatley I don’t know this one?
@chuckzbt @patwhatley @Targaryen
Rick and Morty
A chain restaurant in a small town closes.
@cathyk39 I have no idea.
@cathyk39 And it lead to an increase in testicular cancer? South Park’s KFC episode!
@UnionLiz. Sorry, no. Heres a hint: the fast food chain’s cheddar biscuits are by far better than the seafood they are known for.
@cathyk39 @UnionLiz Well, the restaurant is Red Lobster, but I’m clueless about any connection to entertainment media.
@UnionLiz @werehatrack
The book is Last Night at the Lobster by Stewart O’Nan.
@cathyk39 @UnionLiz @werehatrack Have you read A Prayer for the Dying?
@lisagd @UnionLiz @werehatrack
Yes! I’m a big O’Nan fan and have read most if his works. Prayer was actually my introduction to him.
A husband’s wife is brutally murdered and son is physically disabled by a serial killer. In a twisted turn of events his now disabled son is kidnapped and the widower had to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman he befriends along the way.
@patentdude They might want to ask P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney
@patentdude @patwhatley The hint help I think. Finding Nemo?
@patentdude It is supposed to be bland. This sounds way more gripping then the original! Brilliant write up.
@patwhatley @Targaryen Bingo
@patentdude The serial killer threw me off; they only appeared at the beginning and it wasn’t so serial as it was savage.
@pakopako I just figured it was a repeating thing hence the ”serial killer” moniker.
Funeral home extended family members live their lives and then don’t.
@Phaux. Six Feet Under?
@Phaux Hey look below.
@Phaux NARM NARM NARM!
@cathyk39
It’s a family drama where someone dies in each episode, and in the final episodes, EVERYONE dies.
@ChadP Supernatural?
@ChadP @patwhatley Game of Thrones?
@ChadP this is us
@ChadP @patwhatley @Targaryen @medz Six Feet Under
A young farm girl from Kansas is injured during a tornado and hallucinates during her coma
@biblegurl Wizard of Oz.
Everyone sleeps through the whole movie. They have some weird dreams about beating people up.
@TehErk Ugh no idea I gotta watch more movies.
@Targaryen wow. and here I thought I gave it away
Hint: they listen to some music too.
@Targaryen @TehErk Fight Club?
@lisagd @Targaryen @TehErk Maybe Inception? (I haven’t actually watched it, so I could easily be way off.)
@lisagd @Targaryen @TehErk @xobzoo The Matrix
@Targaryen @TehErk @xobzoo I tried, but that’s not my kind of movie. Neither is The Matrix, but I made it to the end of that one.
@lisagd @Targaryen @xobzoo @ybmuG It’s Inception
A NY cop attends his wife’s office Christmas party
@CraigDanger Die Hard?
A kind of nerdy guy talks about science through cooking, or cooking through science, something like that. Kind of makes me want a snack, really.
@djslack Mythical Kitchen?
@Targaryen much more mainstream. The nerdy guy went on to host some related “game show” type programs and I think that he’s done with those now, or those shows are done, something.
@djslack Good Eats?
Space Communism
@owlhooter Star Trek
A magical troll in an obnoxious shirt travels the country eating garbage.
@DLPanther I saw my video?
/giphy guy-fieri-garbage @Targaryen
Families play an IRL version of Monopoly. Like many family game nights in the south, things get sexual and no one ends up winning.
@spades24k I don’t know.
@Targaryen Hint: Your username
@spades24k @Targaryen
Haha - that’s a terrifically bland description.
Some guys with office jobs learn about rounding errors in accounting. A coworker wants his stapler.
@djslack Oh Office Space.
Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret
A girl menstruates for the first time.
Dyslexic, grown-up foster kid gets a job at the Georgia Bureau of Investigation and adopts a dog.
@ircon96 good show!! Betty is so cute!!
@ircon96 @tinamarie1974 I’d never heard of that show but it sounds good - and that dog IS adorable!
@Kyeh @tinamarie1974 It’s really good, i got sucked right in. It’s got the case of the week, but the characters all have compelling arcs of their own that runs thru all the episodes. And, yes, Betty is stinkin’ adorable!
@ircon96 @Kyeh @tinamarie1974 It’s only three months old. I barely heard of it myself (and I used to promote stuff for ABC)
@Kyeh @pakopako @tinamarie1974 It’s funny, ABC was advertising it constantly in the weeks up to the premiere, but they mustn’t have put nearly as much effort into promoting it in other venues.
A consumer products company makes posthumous public service jobs a possibility.
@cjernt Fido. great movie
A man spends his entire life dreaming of adventure but never actually doing anything. He goes on a pointless journey to find a photograph that no one really cares about, spending a lot of money and time in the process. The only thing he gains is a new love interest, but let’s be real, she’s not even that interesting.
Unexpected ways to use duct tape
@heartny oh I love that show!!!
@heartny @tinamarie1974 Remember that time they used a tennis racket?
@heartny Red Green?
@heartny Quando omni flunkus moritati
@heartny @tinamarie1974
Their honeymoon ended decades ago, and it doesn’t seem like there’s any love and/or sexual attraction left in their relationship, so I really don’t understand why they are still calling them that.
@ShotgunX Norton!
An Italian guy, lives in Philly. He likes to fight
@tinamarie1974
Rocky
@braveit1
Boy meets girl, boy falls in love, girl doesn’t.
@TexDragonSlayer I think you’re going to have to be a little more specific so we can narrow it down.
Some girls play soccer, and then they don’t anymore.
A British-sounding alien lives in a phone booth.
There’s a cop who’s a lady, but it’s ok because she’s been a cop for a really long time.
Kid who never grows old, terrorizes town for 30 years in over 750 episodes.
@braveit1 Mr. Rogers didn’t terrorize the Land of Make Believe! (I’m assuming you mean “Homer” – he did way more terror to Springfield.)
@braveit1 The character is Bart Simpson.
@pakopako Mr. Rogers didn’t have over 750 episodes, but the Simpsons did.
A guy tortures his dead friend because there’s nothing else to do; that and eat vindaloo. And there’s a cat.
@ybmuG Red Dwarf?
@pakopako and it’s on Crackle!
Naive composer signs contract with unscrupulous producer.
@mossygreen Phantom of the Paradise?
@ircon96
A group of people sitting on a porch; the group changes from time to time, often leaving the porch to go outside or to a bar or play make-believe in a big empty room. The premise is that they’re looking for problems to solve, even though their own by-laws prevent them from doing anything most of the time. Sometimes they just don’t know any better.
@pakopako Star Trek: TNG?
Boy calls a wrong number and a game of tic-tac-toe stops world war 3 from happening.
@pakopako War Games
“The only way to win is not to play.”
A lot of people gathered in a big house and plenty of murder ensued. It turns out it was the pimp that did it. Or was it the wife? Maybe it was everyone’s fault. If there’s one think you should take away from the film, is that Communism was always a red herring!
@pakopako Clue?
Man loses love of his life, becomes depressed, helps a bullied child overcome their anger, and time travels to kill himself. Repeatedly.
@pakopako “[Green Lantern?] God damn, that’s beautiful.”
@pakopako
@pakopako Best in the “Once Upon…” version, IMO.
A king and his knights looking for a fabled cup have adventures, never find the cup.
@lisagd Were they arrested in the end? Did they ever find that shrubbery?
Southern woman lives through Civil War, is dumped by third husband.
@lisagd As god as her witness, she will never go hungry again.
@lisagd Great description.
@Kyeh Thanks
Boy has dreams of grandeur, wants to join the army like the bigger kids and his friends, but an accident with a grenade prevents this. Unlike another film, he does not gain super abilities and instead returns home dejected to be with his mother, his imaginary friend, and the girl they have locked up in their secret attic.
@pakopako Their imaginary friend is very very toxic. Like some sort of war criminal.
@pakopako Jojo Rabbit. Good one.
A man escapes from prison and moves to Mexico. After being paroled, his friend joins him there.
@lisagd Shawshank!
@ircon96 Ding! Ding! Ding!
@ircon96 @lisagd Oh wow, I thought the friend couldn’t handle the outside world, but I must have confused him with the librarian.
@ircon96 @xobzoo Yeah, Brooks is the one who couldn’t make it in the regular world.
A teacher travels around the world to find a lost treasure before a competing group, has several encounters that ultimately have no effect on the final result.
@macromeh National Treasure?
@macromeh @tinamarie1974 Raiders
I wanted to come up with a good one, but that sounds like a lot of work. Especially for how late to the game I am.
So I’ll cheat, a little…
My favorites are those that are easily confused with another, once blandified. For example,
Or
But those would be cheating, because they were already compiled as part of this sketch:
(It’s hard to believe that it’s over 9 years old now; it feels like only 3, or maybe 5 at the most.)
@xobzoo “Smells believable.”
Military project is shut down after news leaks funding was spent on hookers. Fast forward 500 years and one of those hookers becomes the smartest person in the world. God help us all.
@pakopako Idiocracy
Boy wants to grow up to be a musician, but lacks friends outside of a weirdo neighbor with a very fancy car. He likes skateboarding, has a girl, but his family life could be better, especially his father’s attitude.
After spending some a-little-too-intimate time with his mother, his father’s attitude improves, he gains more respect for history, and his neighbor prevented a terrorist bombing and lived to tell the tale.
@pakopako Back to the Future
Jaded man just can’t find the snooze button.
Theoretically, researchers calculated it was for 30+ years. But in theater, it only lasted about 100 minutes.
@pakopako Marmota monax has his day in the sun, or not.
@werehatrack they did get to drive at one point (and in the ending, it was announced there was an early spring right?)
Heartless bounty hunter becomes a dad and changes his ways.
@blaineg It is The Way.
Every single week they walk though the same doorway, but it never gets boring.
@blaineg Stargate (SG, Atlantis, etc.)?
@blaineg it did get boring that one month where it led to a time loop. Granted it was hilarious for the viewers, but I can imagine getting sick of fruit loops (or being smashed by a door)
@pakopako
In The Middle Of My Backswing???
@blaineg
They kept the bit where they kept the shift when Daniel Jackson (the egghead) teaches a lesson to by Jack O’Neil (the hothead) to when he is being taught because Jack has osmosed enough through rote repetition and wants to get everything over with. (And then proceeds to take several breaks.)
A man with a hat travels the world and finds interesting items with a helper and once with his dad, and usually bad guys are trying to stop him.
@janthenat I wanted to say “Curious George” — but it doesn’t fit as accurately as Indiana Jones does.
@xobzoo ya, Indiana Jones(es)… and I missed this one from @macromeh before I posted mine…
“A teacher travels around the world to find a lost treasure before a competing group, has several encounters that ultimately have no effect on the final result.”
Three guys go on a really long trip, have their plans trashed, and eventually get back home.
@werehatrack Apollo 13
In the next hour, we watch a girl win ~US$50,000 through twenty minutes of gambling.
An independent-thinking son finally agrees to join the family business.
@f00l The Godfather
Three neighbors solve crimes without leaving home.
@rockblossom
Only Murders in the Building?
@Kyeh
A boy rules the galaxy while he becomes a worm.
@rockblossom Fear is the little death/
@pakopako @rockblossom I will not brew decaf. Decaf is the mind-killer. Decaf brings the little sleep that leads to total oblivion.
@werehatrack I will face my decaf. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the decaf has gone there will be nothing, because it is a powerful laxative.