None of which would be useful for the next step; no, for that, it was time to line up the dozen Blend-Tecs on the counter, and fill the cooler with ice.
His name was Cuisinarticus, a known associate of Count Chocula, Franken Berry & Boo Berry, and he was feared far & wide by breakfast-loving kids of all ages.
Only then did I realize that my flashlight batteries had not been chilled in the fridge, as everyone knows should always be done by every responsible Mehtizen everywhere.
As a shudder wracked my very bones, it was at that moment that I knew that the true prophecy of the Candy-Corn-Speaker-Dock was real - as real as… the Breakfast Octopus!
I couldn’t spend all night waiting for the possibility of a Tiny Tub Mummy catching me with my guard down, so I climbed out a window to the roof of the bus to continue my quest.
Fortunately, a pasta drop box was being drop kicked to the house nearby. The driver should not give up his day job (no matter how much he hates it) since the box veered widely off course and crashed in to the tree. I was able to jump safely to the ground, cushioned by massive volumes of pasta.
I would have to find funds by means ground in reality and fast, as the daily deal for grill supplies only had 12 hours left and my summer barbeque plans hinge on this offer.
It was at this moment that I reflected upon the nature of the human soul and its yearning capitalistic instinct, such that I would contemplate yet another pressured purchase at the very moment that my life was endangered by other meaningless purchases…
only to realize in this reflection, that all of life and human existence is pointless, so it’s best to take it as it comes and do what you can to enjoy what’s left of the time you have.
Yes, the plan - the same plan that always was and always will be – the plan to… refrigerate your batteries. Always. Forever. Until they’re pleasantly chilled, anyway.
Sadly, the Tub Mummy was sober and still wanting to murder. Our wayward heros were in deep trouble, but all they could wonder was “does the Tub Mummy have a USB port?”
Then someone realized the USB port was for it to download it’s knowledge of the ancient art of desert jujitsu. Soon the mummy would go toe to toe with …
And then the benevolent @thumperchick appeared and bestowed a gift upon 2 randomly selected mehtizens who posted in this thread. @narfcake & @brainmist were the unlucky suckers winners. (I put everyone’s username in a list, then used a random number generator to pick who got the IRKs.)
As I pondered my swirling thoughts amidst these latest improbable and disjointed events, my mind again turned to the plight of those hapless unrefrigerated batteries I noticed in the small side alley, as I plummeted to the pavement from the bus.
Tiny Tub Mummy launched a barrage of room-temperature batteries at me. Each Heavy-Duty offbrand battery left a nasty welt on the side of my face as it struck.
Fortunately, a magistrate who happened to be exiting a nearby athenaeum witnessed the crime in progress, and hurled his recently acquired tome at the merciless perpetrator, thus simultaneously serving as judge, jury, and executioner.
But what the magistrate didn’t realize is that those batteries have a life of their own and now free of the jail fridge, liking their taste of freedom they…
….information. He was just a genuine tap of inanely useless but most intriguingly fascinating facts and stories. He would go on and on about space and heavenly bodies. He was quite obsessed with the stars and the wars that might be happening amongst them.
He would often begin his stories with, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” and weave his tales from there. He wondered if he might be able to make a career of this in some meaningful way.
So he applied to be a writer with meh because, after all, even if the products aren’t worth it the stories on the home page can be and he had a great idea for that…
“We’ll have a holiday special about the Day of Gifts and sell a video music box, an AI translation device that can spoof the voices of your enemies, and a VR fantasy viewer with content that is wildly inappropriate for kids.” The other batteries mercifully kill Lucas before he can pull it off.
But having just finished his waterless cleansing ritual with Tiny Tub O’ Scrub, he was distracted by the fresh citrus scent and I was able to slip away unnoticed.
Yesterday I went to meh.com.
Only, I got lost along the way.
The lack of signs was frustrating.
But St. Anthony found me.
So I gave him a hug to say thanks!
And that’s when the murders started.
They happened slowly at first.
But then the Tiny Tub Mummy got involved.
@Thumperchick nice!
She liked to torture her victims before killing them.
And her cat like to watch
But her parrot was watching, too.
The goat wouldn’t watch though, because he knew that was all his fault.
The Tiny Tub Mummy’s technique was particularly interesting.
It began with a deep percussion massage to get the victim relaxed.
Then it wrapped the victims head in toilet paper
Refurbished toilet paper to be specific.
It was at that point Tiny Tub Mummy was glad they had purchased a refurbished bidet.
And a refurbished squatty potty.
None of which would be useful for the next step; no, for that, it was time to line up the dozen Blend-Tecs on the counter, and fill the cooler with ice.
But before proceeding Tiny Tub Mummy decided she needed a margarita.
Fully lubricated, Tiny labeled each blender with a different body part using the new labeler from MummySave
Unfortunately, the MummySave labeler was faulty and spit out a bunch of nonsense labels, such as…
Irk, Glen and meh.
Oh no, should they be the tiny tub mummy’s next victims?!?!?
Queue suspenseful music
They’re actually searching for an octopus
But not just any octopus…
A bezopus!
As fate would have it, Jeff, the memic octopus that lived just down the block had recently escaped.
And now it was hungover and asking for help with his breakfast.
It was later heard to be shouting, “Leggo my Eggo!”
Which summoned the Waffle Demon.
His name was Cuisinarticus, a known associate of Count Chocula, Franken Berry & Boo Berry, and he was feared far & wide by breakfast-loving kids of all ages.
Cuisinarticus shouted “manducare me”
Which summoned Mrs Butterworth, ready to kick some dimpled waffle ass!
And where Mrs. Butterworth goes, so does the Butter Beast.
And where Mr. Butter Beast goes, so does the Butterball.
(two of them infact)
And of course - sausage
All together, they are the Breakfast (of) Champions.
But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today.
Is that the end of the story?
They were still wanting more breakfast.
Still intent on visiting Meh.com, I stole a smartphone from a passenger on the bus.
@ExtraMedium
But google maps and other map apps didn’t work on that phone.
What to do?
So after getting horribly lost as a result, the bus ended up at the end of a long dark alley
It broke down, leaving them stranded in the dark!!
And… in the shadows where they were stranded… lurked the Tiny Tub Mummy murder.
Queue scary music
Meant to type murderer
How many flash lights and lanterns did I buy only to get stuck with a stupid cell phone light in a dark alley?
But now I do wish I had skipped some of those bluetooth speakers and bought knives instead!
They didn’t notice the Tiny Tub Mummy murder slowly and very quietly creeping up on them.
meant to type murderer, I misspelled that in my other post too.
@Kidsandliz
“Dualy noted”
Slowly he turned…step by step…inch by inch…
Only then did I realize that my flashlight batteries had not been chilled in the fridge, as everyone knows should always be done by every responsible Mehtizen everywhere.
Fortunately it was very, very cold out and so the batteries were reviving in the cold.
But how was it so cold in the middle of the summer?
Goosebumps rose on my skin in the uncanny cold.
As a shudder wracked my very bones, it was at that moment that I knew that the true prophecy of the Candy-Corn-Speaker-Dock was real - as real as… the Breakfast Octopus!
But not as real as the Cuisinart Fidget Spinners.
I couldn’t spend all night waiting for the possibility of a Tiny Tub Mummy catching me with my guard down, so I climbed out a window to the roof of the bus to continue my quest.
The view from the top was staggering or was it that last drink I had?
And as the bus passed under a tree branch you grabbed it and hauled ass into the tree.
“Well that was weird,” I thought, “given that the bus wasn’t moving a minute ago…”
…Perhaps I should have taken the expiration dates on those snacks I got a great deal on more seriously.
The tree that I now perched in was a … a … a …
a candy corn tree!
The Horror!
Fortunately, a pasta drop box was being drop kicked to the house nearby. The driver should not give up his day job (no matter how much he hates it) since the box veered widely off course and crashed in to the tree. I was able to jump safely to the ground, cushioned by massive volumes of pasta.
Hence the term pasta drop.
What I didn’t realize is that I had left my satchel full of cash from my copy paste internet work that I was bringing to meh.com…
on the bus!
@ybmuG Sorry for the slight derailing.
@ExtraMedium i almost wish you hadn’t deleted it.
I would have to find funds by means ground in reality and fast, as the daily deal for grill supplies only had 12 hours left and my summer barbeque plans hinge on this offer.
It was at this moment that I reflected upon the nature of the human soul and its yearning capitalistic instinct, such that I would contemplate yet another pressured purchase at the very moment that my life was endangered by other meaningless purchases…
only to realize in this reflection, that all of life and human existence is pointless, so it’s best to take it as it comes and do what you can to enjoy what’s left of the time you have.
But the time you have left to enjoy won’t be much if the Tiny Tub Mummy murderer catches up with you… fortunately you finally figured out a plan.
Yes, the plan - the same plan that always was and always will be – the plan to… refrigerate your batteries. Always. Forever. Until they’re pleasantly chilled, anyway.
But can they make a margarita? Or can the Tiny Tub Mummy murderer make one at least?
Perhaps the better question is can you trick the Tiny Tub Mummy murderer into drinking enough margaritas so that you can make a get away.
Alas, the answer to both questions, was a resounding maybe.
Sadly, the Tub Mummy was sober and still wanting to murder. Our wayward heros were in deep trouble, but all they could wonder was “does the Tub Mummy have a USB port?”
Then someone realized the USB port was for it to download it’s knowledge of the ancient art of desert jujitsu. Soon the mummy would go toe to toe with …
Big foot and a frog (or was it a toad) both of whom were blackbelts at dance-fighting.
@OnionSoup
/giphy dance fight
And then the benevolent @thumperchick appeared and bestowed a gift upon 2 randomly selected mehtizens who posted in this thread. @narfcake & @brainmist were the
unlucky suckerswinners.(I put everyone’s username in a list, then used a random number generator to pick who got the IRKs.)
I’d love to see this keep going.
@Thumperchick Yay! Congratulations @narfcake and @brainmist
/showme Irk party!
@narfcake @OnionSoup @Thumperchick Whaaaa?? This is the IRKiest birthday I’ve had in a lot of years! Thanks, Meh!
(I’m thanking now before the regret sets in.)
@brainmist @narfcake @OnionSoup @Thumperchick Hey you’ll have 2 irks. Between them you ought to have at least one thing good. Right?
@Kidsandliz @narfcake @OnionSoup @Thumperchick That is the hope, but never the certainty!
But the lucky winners need to watch out because the Tiny Tub Mummy murderer may have snuck into one of the boxes.
@Kidsandliz OH, I AM PREPARED TO TAKE ON HOSTILE BOXES.
@brainmist @Kidsandliz I remember that! Exciting times!
As I pondered my swirling thoughts amidst these latest improbable and disjointed events, my mind again turned to the plight of those hapless unrefrigerated batteries I noticed in the small side alley, as I plummeted to the pavement from the bus.
Tiny Tub Mummy launched a barrage of room-temperature batteries at me. Each Heavy-Duty offbrand battery left a nasty welt on the side of my face as it struck.
It was a clear case of assault with battery
@ybmuG I really wish I could give you a couple of extra stars for this.
On the other hand, I’m devastated with myself for not coming up with it…
@ybmuG
all of the stars.
Fortunately, a magistrate who happened to be exiting a nearby athenaeum witnessed the crime in progress, and hurled his recently acquired tome at the merciless perpetrator, thus simultaneously serving as judge, jury, and executioner.
But what the magistrate didn’t realize is that those batteries have a life of their own and now free of the
jailfridge, liking their taste of freedom they……set out to find another fridge to just chill in for a while.
Meanwhile, drunk on their own power, they decided to first to set out to enjoy a night on the town…
They all felt energized and eveready to party, even Lucas who had a tendency to leak.
….information. He was just a genuine tap of inanely useless but most intriguingly fascinating facts and stories. He would go on and on about space and heavenly bodies. He was quite obsessed with the stars and the wars that might be happening amongst them.
He would often begin his stories with, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” and weave his tales from there. He wondered if he might be able to make a career of this in some meaningful way.
So he applied to be a writer with meh because, after all, even if the products aren’t worth it the stories on the home page can be and he had a great idea for that…
“We’ll have a holiday special about the Day of Gifts and sell a video music box, an AI translation device that can spoof the voices of your enemies, and a VR fantasy viewer with content that is wildly inappropriate for kids.” The other batteries mercifully kill Lucas before he can pull it off.
While poor Lucas was bleeding out on the bottom shelf, the Tiny Tub Mummy attempted to escape out from under the book.
But having just finished his waterless cleansing ritual with Tiny Tub O’ Scrub, he was distracted by the fresh citrus scent and I was able to slip away unnoticed.
Or so I thought…